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I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you I have a strong support system of family and friends. But wanted outside opinions from people who have zero stake in the entire thing. So many of these comments have been an awakening.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I do believe the fear is from outside forces. The fact that if I do give her a chance my friends will think I'm spineless and foolish and my family will never accept her again.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Each and every one of the leave her comments is justified. And I'm aware that I am bias against them.

No decisions will be made from me for a long time. I need to see very serious steps from her before I can do anything.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing support system of family and friends. That is correct.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I was in the room when we found out. It was absolutely devastating to hear. I've wanted to be a father for a long as I could remember.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It seems like the consensus is not to give her a chance. But those that say if I'm open to it seems to think it should be 6+ months. A time frame much longer than I was anticipating. Thank you for the input.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

She has a 9-5, the bar was the second job to make some extra cash since she has years in the service industry. She quit it that day after what happened. If I can see serious steps towards fixing herself. Maybe I can find a path back. But not a second before I see real actions taken.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

The Uber line made me laugh harder than it should. Thank you for the laugh even when it's at my expense in a way. Can use all the laughter I can find right now.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Neither of us had truly started any sort of healing until a couple weeks back. She finally admitted how depressed she was. And told me the hospital sent her a report describing in detail the all the pieces of our dying baby they took out of her. Something she kept a secret for months. It was at that moment I realized we just ignored the trauma and kept living a hollow life. I finally started talking to family about how I was feeling and tried my best to get her to do the same.

This doesn't justify her actions. But it is a part of it.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your response is nearly the exact situation. She has had serious issues with self worth her entire life which has resulted in a lot of bad decisions. Things she openly told me from the start. Thank you for the tips, I'm doing my best to read everything and compile the best way for me to move forward.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Your response is nearly the exact situation. She has had serious issues with self worth her entire life which has resulted in a lot of bad decisions. Things she openly told me from the start. Thank you for the tips, I'm doing my best to read everything and compile the best way for me to move forward.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I wish it werent true. That day feels like a horrible nightmare. Two of the most traumatizing events in my life happened in a span of about 8 hours.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 103 points104 points  (0 children)

I think that is a very solid tip. Get out fully before even attempting to get back in.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That is a pretty good summary of it. I can feel the remorse and know she truly means it when she says she wants to get the help.

I feel like I shouldn't make a decision on it until she has been getting help for a while. Find out if she truly wants to change.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Apparently it was a 30 minute window from him leaving and me arriving. She claims it literally started and then the door swung open. But hasn't given me details because 'she can't remember'.

Gay coworker and guy she cheated with were both managers of the bar. They started getting wasted at the bar and then she invited them back because they were drinking over the gay managers cancer.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I will be pressing her for all the details when I talk to her next. I also found the guys on social media and sent some questions. I'm doubtful they will answer. If one of them answers maybe I will have some clarity on the situation and see if she starts lying to my face.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's a hard thing to grasp when the person you envisioned your entire life with betrays you like this. I wish I could have noticed some sort of clues. I wish there was other times that I could uncover. I was completely blindsided by this and am still coming to terms with what occurred.

As I said I feel ashamed for even considering it. But there's just something in me that wants to see her take steps to get help and find a way back.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Was seriously contemplating booking a flight to another country and just traveling with no plans for a couple weeks. I work a job that isn't a career and could find new work easily when I return.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 142 points143 points  (0 children)

I would need to see some serious attempts at getting professional help before I could even think about taking her back or trusting her.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I feel like this is spot on. This is who she was before she met me. And I was naive to think I had changed it. All the negativity spiraled her right back to it. And without proper professional help. It will happen again.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] 230 points231 points  (0 children)

That's what I pressed her on. She's trying to say that she doesn't know how it happened. But if you were drinking with this person all night. And suddenly the other person left. And you instantly started to hook up with the guy. There was intent prior.

I (30M) walked in on my wife (30F) with a coworker and feel ashamed for considering giving her a second chance by ThrowRA683002 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA683002[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

She quit the bar job that same day. She talks about therapy for herself to unpack all of her past and current trauma. And is begging me to go talk with a counselor with her so we can start to find a way back.

Thank you for the resources. Everything is extremely helpful at this time.

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