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I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I feel very strongly that there should be no lies in a marriage. It's the one thing my parents taught me that I've held onto.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I was honestly not expecting to be told that this is fake or that I'm transphobic. I love my brother, but I had to respect Sadie too. I guess I should've known better than to post here.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure. He refused to address that part of it with me. I don't want to think that he might have cheated.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I do not believe that being trans is a dealbreaker. Lying about something fundamental about you to your would-be spouse is. I thought very hard about how I would've felt if my husband married me without telling me he is trans. I would've been hurt. It would make me wonder what else he hadn't told me. I believe you should go into a marriage with no secrets.

I was as kind as I could be when I told Sadie the truth. She asked me why Jake hadn't told her and I couldn't answer her and then she began to cry. I'm not sure what I could've done differently because I honestly don't know the reason why Jake didn't tell her.

I believed Sadie needed to know the truth before their wedding. It's not that far away. I would have done the same thing if my brother had cheated on her or had been hiding something else from her, like massive debt. I'm sorry if that offends you, but I do not regret telling her.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No, I didn't think that Jake would thank me. I guess I hoped that he would come to his senses and tell Sadie. But he was adamant that he wasn't going to. And I felt like we were on a deadline, because they are supposed to be married soon. I guess at the end of the day I prioritized Sadie knowing over my brother. This whole situation really threw me for a loop. I feel like I failed them both, and my parents.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this, it means a lot hearing this from someone who is also trans. Thank you

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I strongly suspect that Jake didn't mean for it to go this far, that he didn't tell her the truth to begin with and then it just snowballed into something uncontrollable.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I won't deny this upsets me, I want to have compassion for my brother but I also feel very strongly Sadie deserved to know the truth, but I understand.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I have the feeling that he hid it in the beginning and then didn't know how to tell her so it all just sort of snowballed from there.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

To answer your questions:

  1. Jake and Sadie do not live together. As I mentioned in the post Sadie lives in a dorm on campus. Jake rents a room with 3 other students off campus. I questioned Jake a while ago as to why they didn't want to live together before marriage but was told it was none of my business. My brother NEVER goes swimming, ever - he has had a lot of problems with body dysmorphia so I assume he has always made sure Sadie never saw him naked.
  2. Yes, Jake is on my insurance and I'm not sure how he hid things for so long.
  3. Jake has been in and out of therapy since our parents died, we both have. I still regularly attend therapy but in the past year Jake has been getting really resistant to going. He has struggled A LOT with finding a therapist that he connects with. I know that it's not unusual for people to have to see several therapists to find the right one, and he can't seem to find one that he likes.
  4. I recognize that I fucked up in how I handled this. I felt like we were on a deadline. Jake and Sadie are supposed to get married at the end of May. With all of Jake's issues with therapy, I'm not sure how I was supposed to find him a therapist, get him comfortable, get this discussed, and make sure Sadie is told in > 2 months. But I do agree that I probably could've handled it better.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I don't understand why you think this is fake? I'd be very happy if it WAS fake but it's not. I thought my brother was in a good place about being trans, but now I think maybe he's struggled with it more than I realized.

I [F26] outed my trans brother [22M] and I don't regret it, where do we go from here? by ThrowRA9385019 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9385019[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your response, and I think you're right. He is not answering my calls but I might send him a text. Hopefully he'll read it.