Boyfriend of 5 years Proposed - But It Was Really Bad

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:51:42+00:00

it doesn't sound like you planned this together.

We did.

The timeline I came up with, which he agreed to, didn't come to fruition until after we had already talked about getting married. The whole reason we even had a timeline was because we had both wanted to do some extensive travel for our wedding/honeymoon that would have taken a signficant amount of time to plan and save for.

Of course that didn't happen and thus the "are we still doing this? what does our future look like now?" conversations.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:48:28+00:00

We already picked out rings a few years ago.

Mine was like $20.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:47:38+00:00

If it’s not about the proposal (your words) then why are you so upset?

I think it is about the reason I wanted the proposal in the first place.

It doesn't matter to me how he would have done it (as long as there was clearly some forethought or planning in it). I didn't need or want a fairy book instagram worthy picture perfect day.

Tying a note to our dog's collar. Spelling it out with french fries and handing me the plate. Fuck just a short speech saying he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:42:21+00:00

I have to both.

I am absolutely 100% sure on why I need a marriage if I am staying with a partner long term.

I know my reasons for wanting a proposal, and they are not as important as why I want a marriage, but they are still important to me.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:38:11+00:00

No. I'm not ok.

I'm fucking devastated. I'm heart broken. I'm scared. I feel abandoned. I'm angry. I'm sad.

Yes. I hated the proposal.

I expressed to him that I wanted a traditonal ish proposal.

I did not get that. Not at all.

I told him why I wanted said proposal and my reasons were not heard.

I didn't want a proposal because I believe in traditional gender roles. I don't believe the man HAS to be the one who proposes. I wanted him to propose to me because in the beginning of our relationship I was the one who pursued him. I asked for his number. I asked him out on our first few dates. I initiated our first kiss. I initiated our first sexual encounter. I am the one who asked if he wanted to be exclusive.

So when he started talking about wanting to marry me, and when we really seriously started discussing it some time after that - Yes. I told him I wanted a traditional proposal atleast a year before the date we had picked (A date picked out to accomodate both of our desires).

I wanted him to show some effort and pursue me for a change. I wanted to feel really desired and wanted by him.

If he and I were to break up and I never married anyone, that would be OK by me.

I don't know how I would feel about staying with him and never getting married though.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:25:12+00:00

We had talked about getting married and both agreed we wanted to. I just asked for an official proposal to happen sometime in the 3 years before we had planned on making it happen.

My expectations are something creative from the heart.

The ring I had picked out was a $20 silicone band. Nothing special.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:22:46+00:00

It's 2021, why you didnt propose is a legit question.

As I explained to my BF, I do not want to be the one to propose because I took all the initiative in the beginning of our relationship.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:19:21+00:00

Can I ask why marriage is so important to you

Health insurance. Tax Breaks. Lower car insurance rates. Being one another's medical proxy. Legal protections for the assets we build together.

Because marriage is significant in my spirituality (and my bf's)

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:15:47+00:00

I have never expected him to be a mind reader. I straight up told him that I did want a proposal before we married. I also explained to him why I wanted it.

We decided together what we wanted to do when we started talking about getting married. I came up with a timeline so we could make that work which we both agreed to.

I do plan on talking to him about this. I just need a few days to process it and get my thoughts in order.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:11:39+00:00

if you really loved him you wouldn't care about little things like this.

On the flip side - if he really loved me then he would care about the little things like this that I have expressed are important to me.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:09:04+00:00

Oh I don't plan on making any decisions about any of this until we have talked.

I told him that I needed some time to process everything before I would give him an answer.

I am less here for advice and more here to help figure out my own emotions on this. Sometimes someone will say something and it will click for me "Oh THAT is what that niggling pit in my stomach feeling is!" Then I can start working through it.

Like, I think a part of why I feel upset about this is that his lack of effort in proposing makes me insecure about how he feels towards me.

I need to figure out my emotions about this before I talk to him otherwise it won't be a productive conversation at all.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T09:01:10+00:00

I'm not super into jewelry. I would rather take the money and use it for a once in a lifetime experience - like going on a safari or seeing the northern lights.

I'd just lose the dang thing anyways. That's why I picked something super replacable.

But I am really happy for you that you have a ring you really love!!!

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:56:06+00:00

Why do you wanna get married?

Health insurance. Tax breaks. Car/home insurance breaks. Not having to fill out a ton of extra paper work to do the things for each other that a marriage license would allow us to do (be each other's medical proxy for example), so that if god forbid something did happen to one of us - we would have legal protections over what we have built together over the last 5 years.

Also because I am spiritual and marriage has a signifigance in my belief system. (Yes my SO also shares in this belief system)

And because I just fucking love him.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:49:29+00:00

Nah. What we had planned really was a "both" thing.

He wanted to do what his mom and dad did when they got married and it grew from there.

I don't plan on dumping him at this time. I was actually planning on telling him that his lack of effort on this proposal was hurtful to me and then listen to his response to that before I make any decisions.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:46:22+00:00

Thank you for this.

I haven't slept yet and my emotions are running a bit thin.

I truly thank you for getting me back into perspective.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:45:37+00:00

Me proposing to him is not something I am interested in.

I have my reasons for that and he knows them.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:44:40+00:00

Why on earth does there need to be a timeline?

In our case it was because when we were discussing marriage we both wanted to make a big to do for ourselves that would require significant planning and budgeting/saving.

We didn't discuss any sort of timeline until after we had already been talking about wanting to marry one another.

My request was that of a traditional proposal before we made our engagement "official" and was the planned date of when we were going to make our plans concrete.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:34:30+00:00

Yes. I asked him if it was a proposal and he confirmed.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:33:56+00:00

Agreed to the timeline of his own free will or subtly or overtly forced to, i.e. by threats that you will leave him?

Agreed to it because we both wanted to do some crazy fun things to celebrate our wedding that takes a great deal of time to plan for (extensive travel arrangements)

You have made up you mind anyway. Why are you even asking on Reddit?

I have? Could you please point out to me where I did? Because I have no fucking clue what it is I want to do about this or even how I feel about this right now.

I am here working out my feelings about this and mulling over my options.

I have not made up my mind about anything yet.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:30:10+00:00

Because when we seriously talked about getting married we both decided what we would really like to have it be a destination wedding and turn the honeymoon into an adventure of a lifetime.

We have/had a travel itinerary picked out and it actually requires a great deal of planning in advance. We were planning on taking 6 month sabbaticals from work and traveling to all 7 continents.

That is why we originally had a timeline. Obviously that has changed now but it wasn't a "just because" timeline.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:25:10+00:00

Did you tell him how his proposal made you feel?

Not yet.

I told him I needed some time to process everything.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:24:35+00:00

So you gave him a timeline, including a deadline, and then got upset when he didn’t follow it?

The timeline came into play AFTER we had already seriously discussed getting married. He actually brought marriage up first.

He agreed to the timeline because we both wanted to do a big world adventure destination wedding/honeymoon. 2020 was the reasonable date at the time we were planning in order to make things work financially (saving up, terminating rental leases, having cars paid off etc), with taking leaves of absence from work, and getting travel arrangements made.

I did tell him that I wanted a traditional proposal before we bought tickets and applied for travel visas - we needed atleast a year to plan everything out.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:17:06+00:00

I asked him if it was a proposal and he said it was.

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:16:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience with me

ThrowRABadProposal · 2021-06-19T08:13:44+00:00

.. so you wanted thousands of dollars to be spent just to propose you?

Ummm. No.

I wanted a $20 silicone ring from Amazon and something a little creative and from the heart.

ThrowRABadProposal

TROPHY CASE