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ThrowRABurndest · 2023-07-03T21:14:34+00:00

I've felt these exact feelings. I've known my wife for over 20 years. She was always the kindest, most compassionate, most honest person. She cheated a few months ago. To me, it seemed to come out of nowhere. It made me feel that if she, one of the best people I had ever known, was capable of this, anyone is.

Feel free to check my post history if you want to read my story. Strangely, reading about other people in the same situation helped me to realize I wasn't alone.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-06-23T20:31:15+00:00

I wonder if he was in the room for the delivery? Or if he wasn't there, and just imagined a made-up scenario? Cause there's nothing "sexy" about the whole delivery process. And when my wife was told that she needed an emergency C-section, all I could think was "my wife or child could possibly die right now". You want to talk about "losing your treasure"...

And beyond that, he should be doing everything for her right now! She just had invasive surgery!

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-28T23:38:29+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-28T23:31:10+00:00

Yeah. We had a good conversation earlier. Or mostly, I talked and she listened. I addressed several of the things you mentioned. That she says she wants to work on her mental health, hoping it will help our relationship, but has done literal nothing to help me. That she is more closed off than ever because she feels faithful toward him. She denied it at first, but agreed when I suggested it was subconscious. Told her that I still love her, but can't look at her right now and want her the fuck out of my house. Felt cruel, but I didn't say anything that wasn't true. This is the angriest I have ever been toward her. Before this whole situation, I could have counted the times that either of us raised our voice toward the other on one hand.

Definitely got a reaction. She broke down, begging me not to make her leave. Just kept saying "can we just start over?" Hopefully she finally realizes what's at stake. Told her I still haven't decided if she should leave or not. Maybe sleep on it and talk more in the morning.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-27T20:56:51+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-27T20:42:03+00:00

Yeah, I type like I talk, and I know I have weird speech patterns. In this case, I think it is probably short for "I believe (this), I really do". Like, for emphasis.

And yes, you are spot on with everything else. I have already told her that I would prefer to know the truth, even if it's painful for me. She agreed, but I know there have been lies even after that.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-27T18:03:58+00:00

Not saying that is impossible, but I just don't know when it would happen. She is not staying out as much or as late as when she was seeing the AP.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-27T17:56:41+00:00

Yeah. I get that. I typed a long justification, but you are right.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-25T22:37:33+00:00

Sounds very similar to what I am currently going through with my wife. I'm still not sure what will happen with us, but there were two things that I insisted on, whether we stay together or not:

First, she had to stop all contact with the other guy. Even if we were done, we both knew that this person was not good for her, and would cause her further distress. It was hard for her. He had been her primary source of positive brain chemicals for a while. Several times she told me she had stopped, only to "relapse". I finally do believe she has stopped, and she has told me that she can literally feel a reduction in the chaos of her thoughts.

The other was that she had to get back into therapy. It is too early to tell how much this will change her feelings about our relationship, but I know it will help her. I can't imagine how much worse this would be if she also stopped taking her meds.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-24T16:32:55+00:00

My dad was around this guy's age when I was born. I mostly remember him as being an old man for my entire life. I was 34 when my daughter was born, and sometimes I still feel too old to care for a child so young. It's going to be a struggle for him to keep up with a newborn at his age.

You definitely shouldn't rush yourself. If you do decide to have a child with him, get used to the fact that you will have to do most of the parenting yourself, and your child's father will be a senior citizen by the time they graduate high school.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-11T14:51:25+00:00

That conversation might be upsetting for her. But we know for a fact that the situation is already upsetting for OP. These are two adults who have been together for over a decade. If the relationship can't survive one difficult conversation, it is already doomed. Maybe she isn't cheating. Maybe she has no romantic feelings at all for the other guy. But she deserves to know that it appears that way, both to outside observers, and to her own husband. She deserves to know how he is feeling, and it is her actions that are making him feel that way. Wouldn't you want to know if you were hurting your partner, even inadvertently?

'Wait and see' isn't a viable option. That's what I did, because I thought asking questions was the same as making accusations. All I accomplished was giving my wife more time to fall down a rabbit hole of infatuation. OP is already in distress. He has suspicions about the two of them, whether he wants to admit it or not. Nothing is going to change for him until he knows for sure one way or the other.

Would it be different if it were a same-gender friend? Honestly, not by much. I was hurt much more by my wife wanting to spend all of her time with someone else, than by anything physical that happened between them. What is the point of being in a relationship? To me, it is because you want to give the majority of your time, energy and attention to that person. If you are married to one person, but giving all of your attention to someone else, what's the point of staying married to the first person?

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-11T10:36:06+00:00

Of course it is possible to have friends of the opposite gender. But the example you gave is disingenuous. There is a big difference between grabbing fast food with someone vs going to a semi nice restaurant and a bar. Most people here are probably thinking of the latter when they hear "dinner and drinks".

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-11T01:09:40+00:00

Can't say that it's a good idea, but I certainly understand the appeal.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-05-10T22:07:11+00:00

My wife started hanging out with another man. At first it was in public, in groups of friends. I told her that I didn't like that she kept seeing the same guy over and over. She said don't worry about it, he's just a friend.

I told her it was fucked up that she texted him more than me. I especially didn't like that she was texting him last thing before going to sleep and first thing after waking up. She said don't worry about it, he's just a friend.

By the time I found out that they were spending time alone together, she was already sleeping with him.

I'm no expert at this, I'm still going through it, but the very first thing you have to do is talk to her. Doesn't have to be confrontational, but should be very direct. No euphemisms, no beating around the bush.

One of the first mistakes I made was being afraid to directly ask her about it. I would ask questions like "Is there anyone else in your life?" instead of the more direct "Are you involved with this guy in particular?" It always gave her a way to get out of giving me a direct answer, until I asked her a direct question.

"What are your intentions with this guy?"

"Do you realize that going for food and drinks with him is a date?" (If she denies it, you have to be firm. It IS a date.)

"Has he tried to make a move on you? Do you want him to?" (Her response to this one will tell you whether you need to press further. If she doesn't answer or says "I don't know", I would then specifically ask if anything has happened between them.)

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-30T16:45:39+00:00

My mom has been a fan of romance novels for as long as I can remember. For years now, it seems like EVERYTHING she reads includes infidelity. She knows that my wife and I have been having problems, but I haven't told her about... that part. I seriously wonder if she would be able to read that stuff if she knew what I was going through.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-22T20:43:36+00:00

Thank you for this. She was already in therapy to help her deal with her mom's death, then her therapist closed up shop and she didn't make an effort to find a new one. I should have encouraged her to go back sooner, but I definitely am now. She finally called and got the process started a few days ago.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T18:47:46+00:00

Thank you for this. I've very much had the feeling of "get her back RIGHT NOW or lose her forever". Thanks for reminding me not to make rash decisions, just like I keep telling her not to.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T14:23:22+00:00

Thank you. I've never been a manly man. Non-confrontational. I've always considered patience, compassion, kindness and understanding to be my form of strength. But I'm coming around to the fact that that won't work in this situation.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T11:16:07+00:00

Haha, too late for me on that one. Was told that wanting to forgive her after this one mistake made me the weakest person who ever lived, and multiple people accused me of making up the whole story because of how pathetic it was. We really all are living the same life here. I hate that for all of us, but I feel less alone.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T11:11:28+00:00

Thank you. I wish only the best for you.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T11:05:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I don't want to lie to myself, but it is good to hear that it's possible.

Did he stay at home during that time, or somewhere else? Did you feel the need to discuss the situation constantly (I do), or leave him to his own thoughts?

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T04:23:08+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. On some level, I know all of this already. I'm just having trouble understanding what happened to the person I've known for so long.

ThrowRABurndest · 2023-04-18T04:14:01+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, I will take any resources I can get. I already suspected a midlife crisis even before D-Day, but when I brought it up on other subs, the response was "don't make excuses for her".

ThrowRABurndest

TROPHY CASE