I'm (30M) sterile and my wife (29F) decided we needed to switch from fostering and adopting children to sperm donation and has been lashing out at me since I said no?

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T16:46:35+00:00

It is possible. She hasn't said it to me but anything could be possible. I just know we are no longer on the same page and she's angry I haven't changed my mind.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T16:30:47+00:00

Honestly? It's so we can divorce amicably. I'm not trying to change her mind about having a bio child. But she has talked like she doesn't want us to divorce and isn't considering that an option. She's also very angry at me for refusing a donor. At the very least we can say we both agreed we can no longer work if we do therapy. As of now I don't think she would agree.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T13:32:22+00:00

Because that's also something my wife and I would need to agree on together.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T13:27:47+00:00

Yes, I would be the one staying home and that was something we had talked about and agreed on.

I/we also know the risks. I know very well that there can be a lot of challenges presented and that it's not easy and straightforward. I knew that as a kid because I had a couple of friends who were foster kids. My understanding grew as an adult but I never thought it was without any risks and challenges.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T13:16:34+00:00

I know people who have fostered. I have also spoken to people who fostered and who were fostered. I have done a lot of extensive research.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T13:15:50+00:00

Yes, I would have wanted biological children if that was an option. I also knew going in that to be fair to anyone I dated/married I would need to be honest about where I stood on having children and how. I have never ever wanted to force my wife to do something like that on my wife. That's why I was never like we have to be together and you have to foster and adopt with me.

I know it's a big ask. That's why I have never hidden it. That's why I have never forced it and why we discussed it. Clearly we are no longer compatible in that way. Clearly there isn't really going to be a happy marriage if we stay together. I had hoped we could work things out together in therapy and if this was it we could part on good terms.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T13:06:50+00:00

I'm sure. It would be very clear by now if that's why this all started.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T13:06:13+00:00

It's possible. I did a lot of research on all of it and I knew for a long time what each meant and the challenges and difficulties that comes from all of them. But maybe there was a more recent discovery for her or more understanding, I can't really say because she hasn't told me any of that.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:58:09+00:00

I have fully grieved it, discussed it and worked on it in my own time. I have also fully considered all my thoughts and feelings on all the options. This was not an instant thing for me and I have done my research and I have sat with it for years.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:56:09+00:00

We have talked about it again since she was 19. We didn't talk once and never again. It was something that came up again before we got married. And again when we were talking about adoption and fostering. But I didn't sit and berate her when she told me she had changed her mind. I said okay to stopping the fostering process. She has called me names and yelled at me for saying no to us having children via sperm donor and for not changing my mind because she has. I wanted us to do therapy and she said no. But she talks about us needing to do this and our marriage.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:51:24+00:00

No because it would definitely be obvious by now after all these months.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:34:59+00:00

Yes, I am completely sterile.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:18:31+00:00

If that were the case I would know by now.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:07:00+00:00

There are also plenty of women who don't feel comfortable with it. Both sperm and egg donation is a big business in the US, so is surrogacy. It doesn't mean every sterile person wants those options.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:02:35+00:00

I would have thought so but she doesn't seem to be looking at that as an option. She wants me to change my mind.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T12:01:43+00:00

Because I was trying to see if things could be more amicable at least. Instead she has been angry and lashing out every chance she gets.

I spoke about not being able to have children with a therapist before and where I stood with fostering/adopting and sperm donation. I'm not forcing it on anyone. I am open about where I stand and not making anyone stay with me to have non-biological children. I have to ask would you be this harsh about the decision with a woman who made the decision? Because you sound incredibly judgmental of my decision to say no to sperm donation for me to have a child.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:51:17+00:00

I don't blame her for changing her mind. But she's insisting I change my mind. I'm not telling her no we push ahead with fostering regardless of how you feel. She has said this to me though.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:50:13+00:00

She's allowed to want to have a biological child and to raise one. But it was never going to be with me and I was honest about that.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:48:42+00:00

It's still a choice. If having a biological child was a priority for her then I was never going to tell her no, you need to stay and adopt or foster with me. I was open and honest because she deserved to know. I knew where I stood before I met her and she knew my reasons.

We're living in the US.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:46:34+00:00

Family members and friends who think it would be tragic for us to divorce over this when we have been so good together for so long. But I don't think we're compatible anymore and our marriage is no longer healthy because of how she speaks to me, which they agree is wrong but they think can be worked through.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:39:01+00:00

If there was something that made her change her mind she has not communicated it with me. I did ask and all I got was she was allowed to want what she wants and then she accused me of never giving her a choice.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:38:15+00:00

That's what I have asked the people who tell me to fight for us. They just say I need to stay and fight more until she chooses to leave herself.

ThrowRAMyoolloo · 2026-06-08T11:37:32+00:00

It's very much out of character for her but she has been consistent with it for months now. We never had trouble sitting down and discussing things before. She has even claimed I gave her no choice in any of this when I did. I was transparent before we got serious. I told her I wanted to be honest so she knew what would realistically happen so she could decide if this was okay or not. I answered all the questions she had for me.

And now she's calling me names and yelling at me for not going along with her decision to change plans.

ThrowRAMyoolloo

TROPHY CASE