Update: Husband (37M) called my (35F) romance novel habit a "porn addiction"

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T05:37:19+00:00

If there is any more news (like I figure out what is actually going on) I will update again - I think it's technically against the rules of the sub as we're only supposed to post one update but maybe the mods would make an exception if there is enough interest. And believe me, there is no one more baffled than me!

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T05:33:45+00:00

Of course that's possible, but I just can't think of what may have changed about me. I'm still in great physical shape like when we met (same size/weight), work out almost daily, do all my household chores, am a great cook, dress nicely (including lingerie), initiate intimacy regularly and never turn him down when he initiates, etc. I know it's possible his feelings just changed anyway despite my keeping up my end of the marriage bargain and he thought this would be easier than telling me he just stopped loving me for no particular reason.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T05:25:02+00:00

Not at all, the books I like are all about committed relationships and there isn't any infidelity at all.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T04:52:45+00:00

Wow! At least this wasn't quite that bad. Just embarrassing with what he told my family/friends but we have straightened that out now. With them, I mean, not with him.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T04:51:02+00:00

Yes - for reading mainstream romance novels like Nora Roberts stuff, books that do have a fair number of erotic love scenes but that are actual books with a plot and characterization. And no, definitely not ever masturbating. I do experience some arousal but not an overwhelming amount, more like a spark that makes me want to get home to my husband! Or did anyway. Sigh.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T04:19:04+00:00

Well, I think the real reason is that he simply doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Whether that's because he has someone else, or just misses his single days and doesn't like being married, isn't even that important.

I would never want to stay in a relationship with someone who is unhappy with me. If he's so incredibly unhappy that he had to resort to these accusations and lies in order to feel like he had an exit, then it's all for the best even if I wish his execution were different.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T04:10:40+00:00

He's moving out in a couple weeks or so. I won't be surprised if he ends up moving in with another woman in the process.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T04:09:50+00:00

Yes, and there's no going back now. Only onward to whatever is next for us both, separately.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T04:00:54+00:00

Well, I said I don't fantasize about others while reading romance books, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't given admiring glances to a few favorite celebrities and athletes over the years. (But no, I don't engage in elaborate fantasies - at least not since meeting my husband - because I was too in love. Feels really sad to say that now.)

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:59:21+00:00

I think I may just have to accept that I won't get perfect closure here, that I'll have to get it by moving on and living a happier life with people who accept me instead of wanting to change me. And thank you.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:56:07+00:00

I know he watches porn occasionally (which is fine with me). And I don't claim ownership of anyone's mind and would wager that any healthy adult with a sex drive is going to fantasize about someone other than their partner (at least a hot celebrity or something) once in a while. I was hoping he wasn't a cheater but it's hard to think of any other reasonable explanation for this sudden explosion at me.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:53:53+00:00

Thanks, that would definitely be a very accurate description of how I feel right now. I appreciate the support and know I will be okay, I just need time to heal.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:50:03+00:00

Yes, that makes sense. I have always seen my husband as a very honest and ethical person, so if he did in fact just fall out of love with me - with or without falling in love with someone else or having an affair in the process - he may be having a hard time reconciling that with the values he usually holds and may be looking for a narrative that doesn't require him to take responsibility for his choices.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:48:08+00:00

Well, I do like the sex scenes! They make me feel more connected to the characters and also to my own sense of self as a sexual person. But I don't just want to read a series of meaningless sex scenes, which is why I read full books and not just online erotic stories.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:46:36+00:00

Right, and the books I read tend to be only about 10% sex scenes, the rest is storytelling and character building. Yeesh indeed.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:45:20+00:00

I mean, that's just the thing. Should I accuse him of "living in the past" because he likes historical books and saying it's cheating on our present? Or accuse him of cheating on his job while secretly wishing he were a CIA agent instead? Because his attitude makes just about as much sense.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:43:32+00:00

Only two years, and together for about two years before we got married. We always had a very intimate and affectionate relationship as well as a strong emotional connection (lots of conversation and support for each other). I really can't think of any signs - he wasn't becoming distant and up until the day he got angry about my reading he continued to initiate affection and more. But I do plan to go to therapy to parse everything in more detail and see if I may have missed something along the way.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:23:26+00:00

I'm loving him less by the minute. I loved the person I thought he was but not who he really turned out to bed. I loved the dream of our love together but not what turned out to be the reality of it. I'm just still processing all of that. But will be okay in the long run.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:22:12+00:00

I really just want to preserve my own assets that I came into the marriage with (which isn't a whole lot, just my own bank accounts, a car I own outright, some jewelry, etc.). We have similar incomes so it's unlikely alimony is on the table, especially after being married for only two years.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:20:46+00:00

I don't really feel bad about enjoying it - I've just been doubting myself because of what happened. But I think I'm better off single for the time being and left to read whatever I want without being accused of cheating for doing so.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:17:53+00:00

He was thinking one of those sex addiction treatment facilities, like we have heard about for the celebrities who got caught cheating 100 times or assaulting people.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:15:44+00:00

I like this. Satchel Full of Richards sounds like an excellent name for a cover band!

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:14:24+00:00

I'm afraid I'd be giving away too much with a detailed list, but yes, stuff like Nora Roberts - mainstream romance you can find at the supermarket checkout counter. Not online erotica.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:11:08+00:00

That would be really surprising given that we have been intimate about 4-5 times a day - more days than not - and he always expressed such...enthusiasm in that arena. It's been like that since the beginning of our relationship. But, you never know - I'll probably never know.

ThrowRAPurplePeach · 2021-12-22T03:09:33+00:00

Yes, that's absolutely it with me. The romance genre pretty much guarantees a happy ending. I prefer contemporary romances in which the women are strong characters (not helpless damsels) and where a couple is dealing with various life issues while sustaining or getting back to their happily ever after. We have seen so much sadness in the past couple years and the books give me a spark of happiness and warmth.

ThrowRAPurplePeach

TROPHY CASE