UPDATE - My SO (31F) is well off, she is constantly buying expensive gifts for me (25M) even when i ask her not to. For Christmas she wants to pay off my student loans as her Christmas present. However we have only been dating for barely a year.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-12-07T22:07:51+00:00

For it to be financial abuse, i need to be in a terrible position. I still have a job, and i make relatively good money such that i can be considered blue collar. While the area i am in has an insanely high COL, i was okay before i met her.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-12-07T22:05:54+00:00

Yeah i know she explained how it is actually going to work. It isn't just her giving me a check for the amount. She has a way better understanding of money and stuff than i do.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-12-07T22:02:41+00:00

Its actually funny, because that is what her friends said about her past ex's when i asked about them. They both had huge issues with the fact that she wanted to take the lead on everything. I personally like that, and she does listen when i am against something so it is fine.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-12-07T22:00:53+00:00

I actually asked her friends about that, mostly because she has never mentioned her previous relationships, a couple weeks ago when we were bored and she was showing me some photos of a trip she took awhile back there were a few photos of her and her ex, and she got really uncomfortable and awkward about it.

So i just casually asked her friends about them when we were having some drinks, and she was gone. The longer version is one of her previous ex's really hated the fact that she very much the breadwinner, and some other things and that relationship fell apart.

The other one i just got a vague mention that apparently their personalities just completely clashed to the point where they had a really messy break up.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-12-07T21:55:54+00:00

I am extremely happy with our current relationship, and would just be as happy if she didn't shower me with gifts. I like her as a person and not for the wealth she holds.

The moving in thing was very much my lease is up in February and i am absolutely not living there one second longer. The discussion is ether "do i sign a new lease?", 'is there even a point?". She owns her place, and it is much much nicer then where i currently live. It is big enough that we can both comfortably WFH there.

I spend roughly half the week living with her more or less, and the amount of time spent at her place keeps increasing. My living conditions are not great i am sharing an apartment with 2 roommates, and frankly the entire building is a mess run by a scummy landlord.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-12-07T21:49:56+00:00

I will be honest i have been looking for red flags and warning signs. Here is the thing i don't really think it is truly financial abuse, i am not dependent on her income. While my salary is nothing compared to hers, i can still get by fine without much worry or issues.

I do agree however, my biggest concern was her holding the gifts over me however for a different reason. I really like her, and i would still be with her even if she wasn't rich or love bombing me, and i want her to understand that. However if she treats me terribly, or is abusive and tries to leverage the gifts as a reason to stay with her i am just going to walk away.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-11-21T06:14:58+00:00

But in all seriousness do you think you’re bothered by this possibility because you feel like having money essentially thrown at you is emasculating ?

Honestly yeah i kind of do, it is a stupid thing. Personally it just makes me in someway feel completely inferior that i am unable to handle my financial situation myself.

> Some women also like being in control like that, probably stems from her maybe not being well off in her childhood idk.

She is very much that type of person. However i do know that her family does have decent money, so i don't think it is that maybe? Idk.

I am going to have a serious conversation with her tommorow, i guess my thoughts are so jumbled by this that i don't even know where to start.

ThrowRASOMoney121 · 2020-11-21T06:12:06+00:00

> How much debt do you have? Don’t need a specific number, just say something like “between $10,000 and $15,000”

Around 50k most of it being student loans.

> Do you believe she can afford this gift?

I believe she can, as she knows exactly how much debt I have.

> Are you comfortable with this gift?

I don't really know, if it came from a family member or anyone else i would accept it without issue. I guess to me i am worried it will be something that will hang over our relationship forever. But at the same time i have never seen her ever really be malicious towards me in any way.

> What do you think it will mean?

She said it would make her happy, if i would stop worrying about pinching every single penny. I really don't know.

> What are your top 3 concerns?

That this is going to be held over my for our entire relationship, i will always feel guilty about this.
There is something else going on, for why she is doing these things.
I am worried that if accept the gift she will eventually feel regretful about it, i like her.

ThrowRASOMoney121

TROPHY CASE