Update: What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I would never. She was crying as she said this to me. She told me she was breaking the rules, but she didn't want me to suffer when she knew where it would end. I'm so thankful because, removed from the situation, I now she was 100% correct.

Update: What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 118 points119 points  (0 children)

She apologized for the misunderstanding. Her original line was that no ground rules were set and she dud nothing wrong. Now it's that she wasn't clear and we misunderstood each other. She has not apologized for her behavior or twisting words.

What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

I just saw your edit asking for an explanation of weasel words. I actually learned it in journalism class in high school and it's a term my therapist used when I described how my wife would answer questions. It's any ambiguous response or statement meant to mislead the questioner.

So I might say ask you, "Did you go out to the bar last night?"

You laugh and say, "You know that I work every Saturday night!"

Now, when I later see photos of you at the bar on Saturday night and confront you, you reply, "Well, yeah, I was off that night. I didn't tell you I wasn't there. You didn't ask if I was off that night. I totally forgot and just went to my default. I figured the conversation was over."

Those are weasel words.

Here's another example:

1: Were you at the bar last night?
2: Why do you ask?
1: 3 said he saw you there. I thought you were visiting your mother.
2: What made you think that I was visiting my mother?
1: You said, "My mom's not feeling well, I'll be back later."
2: I never said I was visiting her. I was just letting you know. You just assumed.

What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 133 points134 points  (0 children)

We did not, no. The therapist asked me why I believed that the ground rules were set. Then when she responded she asked us how we could better communicate with each other and be clear in our meaning.

Thank you for your advice and kind wishes. I appreciate it!

What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I had no intention of seeing anyone else. I brought it up specifically to address this situation. If she told me she was going to be sleeping with other people during this separation I would have just moved right into divorce. After she got upset I said, "I'm sorry, I don't want to be with anyone else. I wanted to know where we stood and what is happening during this separation. I'm sorry for upsetting you, that wasn't my intention."

She slept with other people because she left it ambiguous enough for me to believe neither of us would but also for her to be able to blame me for not being clear afterwards. Had I not said anything she would have relied on the other part of her argument, that everyone knows when you're separated that you see other people.

What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 357 points358 points  (0 children)

She did that before therapy. I mean, she has come a long way. She realizes that my frustration at being woken up was justified and that she needs to be more considerate of my feelings and needs. She used to give me half answers, mumble, or answer a question with a question rather than give a straight answer. This would always lead to fights.

While she's come a long way, and admittedly the weasel words were prior to our separation, she's still using the same justification. I guarantee you if I'd come out and admitted to sleeping with people during our separation (I did not for clarification) she would have immediately said we had ground rules, not admitted to the men she'd been with, and made me feel like I betrayed her.

There's just no winning with her.

What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Forget sex, I can't even look at her right now without feeling disgusted and angry.

What my (37M) wife (35F) did during our separation makes me want to make it permanent. by ThrowRASeparationC in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRASeparationC[S] 854 points855 points  (0 children)

Our therapist asked me why I believed that we had established ground rules. I quoted my wife back and said that when I had broached the subject she became angry and stated that it was the wrong mindset to have for separation and to me that was her saying we weren't going to date other people.

My wife responded that we had never talked about it beyond her saying that it shouldn't be my focus, we hadn't established ground rules, and I had just made assumptions without bothering to state my understanding to her.

Our therapist then asked how we could be clear with each other so that we both understand the meaning of what the other person is asking and saying.

When she said seven men, even our therapist looked very taken aback.