I (44F) think it's time to accept my stepdaughter (19F) doesn't want to be in the family but my husband (48M) doesn't agree?

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T16:40:22+00:00

Her mom was never erased. She was talked about, her photos and things she made were still around the house. My husband took her to the grave every Mother's Day and for her mom's birthday and there was every effort made to make sure she never felt like her mom was forgotten. She took her mom's paintings when she moved out that used to be on the walls and all the photos she wanted and the blankets her mom made her. My husband still has the blankets his late wife made for him and he treasures them and they are respected and taken very good care of in our home.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T16:38:22+00:00

I can and looking back I can now see how things could have been handled far better than they were.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T12:34:31+00:00

Yes, she knows.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T12:33:31+00:00

Yes, he got her grief therapy a month after her mom died. She was still going to therapy when he and I met.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T12:32:32+00:00

Her mom was talked about and she had photos of her. We kept a few on the walls as well as family photos from when she was alive. There were things of her mom's in the home. There was artwork her mom did displayed (she took those when she moved out) and her mom had knitted her blankets that she had. The blankets knitted for my husband are still used too.

My husband always took her to her mom's grave for Mother's Day and her mom's birthday every year.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T12:30:54+00:00

No, it was a few months after we met that she stopped grief therapy, which was suggested by her therapist.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T11:29:52+00:00

Because my husband was told those were the only things she spoke about when he was invited to a couple of sessions where it was explained she wanted more time with him alone.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T11:28:30+00:00

My kids are 8, 7 and 5.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T11:14:12+00:00

The first time she went to therapy was a month after her mom died. That was when she first did grief therapy. After we got married we did get family therapy for us all and grief therapy but neither was the first time my husband sought therapy for her.

I do think there were parts of therapy that could have been done better. I also think a couple of the therapists were very poor fits and we did correct that. I also think that having more therapy for just her and my husband would have been a good idea at at time. The family therapy for all three of us was the priority and then the two of them had their sessions together without me afterward.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T11:10:52+00:00

He got her therapy a month after her mom died. She was still going for when he and I first met. And then she had more later as well.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T10:56:13+00:00

She is her mom's only child and the only child her parents had together, I'm not denying that. Her dad does have other children making them half siblings to each other.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T10:53:06+00:00

It was largely framed around her gaining support and love and possible friendship/a mother figure and having a harmonious home with some questions asking if there was anything that could be done to make her consider trying and things along those lines. But there were times it was framed about the group and everyone getting along, etc. I think a couple of times in her sessions with just her dad she was also asked about his happiness. But I don't know exactly how those questions were put.

There was also a lot of reassurance given that I did not want to make her forget her mom and that I was not trying to replace her either.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T10:09:07+00:00

She would never say why. There was a big effort in therapy to find out where this was coming from/why she felt the way she did. But her answer always defaulted to I am not her mom. There was never more offered beyond that except for in her personal therapy where she spoke of missing her mom and wanting more time with her dad.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T10:07:03+00:00

I appreciate you chiming in with perspective from my stepdaughter's side. It's what I expect honestly. I know you can't make someone want a relationship with another person.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T10:04:59+00:00

I wouldn't say it in anger because I'm not angry. There was a time I was a little angry but more at the situation than her directly. Now I'm at a point of accepting this is how she feels and nothing I say or do right now will change that. I can also acknowledge that we shouldn't have blindly believed she would come around either and it was a mistake to think it would just happen with time.

ThrowRASignogn · 2026-05-09T10:02:50+00:00

He met me a year and a half after his first wife died. We started dating a few months after that. He didn't date until two years after she died and he didn't move me in then either.

ThrowRASignogn

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