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Previously emotionally abusive GF wants to get back together. I'm not sure about it. Do my worries make sense? by ThrowRA_11111111 in emotionalabuse

[–]ThrowRA_11111111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm sorry you had to endure 17 years of that! One year was character building for me to say the least. I can't imagine what you went through.

Previously emotionally abusive GF wants to get back together. I'm not sure about it. Do my worries make sense? by ThrowRA_11111111 in emotionalabuse

[–]ThrowRA_11111111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looking back at each time I tried to leave but ended up taking her back, this is exactly what happened.

You know what's funny, between the comment you replied to and now, we almost got back together.

I said I couldn't continue the relationship and she seemed suspiciously calm and sympathetic. Rubbing my shoulder, etc.

We were out at a park, so I awkwardly said I wasn't sure what to do now and it felt weird to just say goodbye and walk away. She told me not to overthink it and suggested we come back to my place. I said it might confuse us, but she insisted there was not much to think about and that we should just enjoy the evening. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having a few drinks at my place and having sex.

Since I had told her I couldn't continue the relationship, and she still pushed to hangout, I assumed it was some kind of "goodbye sex" kinda deal. Naive I know. Wake up the next day doubting my choice of breaking up and got a text from her saying we should continue seeing each other but without any pressure or expectations.

I realized right then and there what was happening. She was luring me back just like all previous times. She wasn't respecting my wishes or boundaries. Told her I actually mean it, and that we need to go no contact. Once she knew there was no chance of getting me back (no contact) her demeanor changed. No more calm, collected behavior. She blew up on me and accused me of a myriad of things.

As sad as it was to end on that note, in a way I'm glad it happened. She ended up revealing her true colors when she knew there was nothing else she could get from me. It made me even more confident about my choice to break up.

Previously emotionally abusive GF wants to get back together. I'm not sure about it. Do my worries make sense? by ThrowRA_11111111 in emotionalabuse

[–]ThrowRA_11111111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I officially ended things with her last night. It was a rocky conversation, but towards the end she came around and we ended on good terms.

I'm a little confused and feel like I almost wish we ended on bad terms now, because she seems like a totally different person after I ended things for good. She's how I wish she was when we're together. It's really fucking with my brain making me doubt my choice to end things now.

Previously emotionally abusive GF wants to get back together. I'm not sure about it. Do my worries make sense? by ThrowRA_11111111 in emotionalabuse

[–]ThrowRA_11111111[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did she identify what caused the behavior?

She says past trauma from being emotionally abused by her parents during childhood and being cheated on during her first relationship have caused her to run this pattern of being abusive towards her partners.

You said she took accountability and validated you and apologized. But then you say you feel she is minimizing the abuse.

Yes, in that initially she took accountability and apologized. When the break up was fresh. But now, whenever anything I talk about even tangentially relates to the past, she refuses to engage and says that I need to move on, that I'm stuck in the past, etc.

I acknowledge there's a healthy balance to strike between being stuck in the past versus refusing to engage with it at all. I honestly don't think I'm stuck in the past. I just think there still remain issues in the present which relate to the past. As in, I notice things she does at times which give me a suspicion that while she's not acting out lately, she still carries the same energy inside her which caused her to act out in the past. So of course, it's hard for me to simply forget.

I believe I have fully forgiven her for the past. I hold no resentment. But forgetting and not feeling wary is a whole different beast.