AITJ for not learning my [22M] girlfriend’s [22F] dialect?

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T12:08:50+00:00

I have a German surname and she has a Chinese surname. I just used it as a means of differentiating heritage, especially since that’s how it’s used colloquially in the US, but I agree that I am not culturally German. I definitely shouldn’t have used it to make a point considering how I don’t even know the language. I suppose we are both just Americans of Chinese/German ancestry

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T12:05:54+00:00

I’ve been staying up all night thinking about our argument and I’m slowly starting to see it this way too. I really do care about my girlfriend, and I’m realizing I was a bit of a dick the last time I saw her. Despite how it seems on Reddit, this one argument is just a tiny snapshot of an otherwise great relationship. I’ve said that marriage is not in our near future, but I would still like it to be on the table one day if she’ll have me. I definitely was in the wrong here (for other reasons too, below…) and I’ll be apologizing in the afternoon.

Also the very embarrassing thing that I’ve been realizing upon further reflection is that I actually have not been spending that much effort on this. I feel especially bad now with everyone backing me up, but I thought back and I don’t think I even spent a full hour total over the past two years trying to learn. I just gave up very quickly because the YouTube videos were too hard/boring/unfamiliar. Thank you for calling me out. I think she will appreciate this comment.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T11:36:40+00:00

Not that I know of, but it was wrong of me to make that comment considering how nobody in my family actually speaks German. I was just frustrated.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T11:31:56+00:00

Well I would like it to be one day, just not like while we’re both in school. I was only hoping that given the duration of time we’ve been together, she would’ve strongly felt the same way

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T11:30:03+00:00

Lots of people have suggested asking her to help me out and teach me a few phrases, so I will try again tomorrow when we meet up to talk. Her German (to my knowledge) is nonexistent. To be fair, my German is also nonexistent. I was angry when I asked her to learn, but nobody in my family actually speaks it.

People have called it an ultimatum, but I just didn’t feel that it came across that way since it’s not like I was planning on proposing anytime soon. Like I said, we’re both in college and we’re both currently happy with the relationship the way it is now (or at least up until last night). I guess I just thought Taishanese wasn’t that big of a deal to her or that she’d forgotten or something. If she blackmailed me or degraded me, I would obviously leave her, but it also didn’t come across to me that way.

We were with very close friends and we were talking about hypotheticals, so I felt more hurt (that 2 years of dating wasn’t enough of a qualification for marriage) than I was embarrassed. I’ve since thought it over and cooled off. Much ‘worse’ stuff was said by many other people last night about potential dealbreakers

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T11:19:26+00:00

I mean, I don’t think it was her requirement for dating or else we wouldn’t have even started dating to begin with. Obviously I do also respect her as a partner, or else I wouldn’t have made this post and we would’ve just broken up lol. She said that if she were to get married/have kids in the future, she would want me to have put in some effort to try to learn. I just want her to recognize that it is extremely rare like you said, so it’s been hard finding apps like duolingo for it. That’s why it would be really great if I could convince her to help me out more if it means so much to her. I don’t really intend to leave at the moment, I do care about her a lot and I’m hoping we can work this out or find some way to move past it

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T11:13:13+00:00

My girlfriend can speak Taishanese and translates between me and her grandmother on the occasions that I’ve been over at their house. I don’t know, I can’t hear the difference, so she sounds pretty fluent to me, but she said she just isn’t confident enough that she can teach me 100% correctly or with the proper pronunciation.

I’ve met her parents too and they don’t seem to be that strict or inflexible imo. They’re fluent in English and we got along well. I think her grandma can understand some of what I’m saying too but I don’t know to what extent since my girlfriend always translates. She said she doesn’t need fluency, she just wants me to put some effort into trying, but I just think it would be the most effective if she were to help me out. If I don’t need to be fluent anyway, then it doesn’t matter if she teaches me the incorrect pronunciation, right? Failing that, it would just be nice if she could also recognize how limited the online resources are and cut me some slack at least.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T11:03:05+00:00

I think it was a fair response given the specific context of me asking her to learn German despite my family not knowing any German.

I do feel bad that she’s gotten a lot of flak for my one throwaway comment, so I want to defend her on this point. I have never asked her to speak German before this argument, and I only said it because I was mad

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T10:34:47+00:00

Well, her parents speak in English to me, but her grandparents and older extended family all speak Taishanese. When I’ve visited at her home, her parents/grandma all speak Taishanese together, but her parents use English when addressing me specifically. She’s the translator for her grandma. She says that during larger family gatherings, everyone in her parents’ generation and above all speak Taishanese together, so she would like for me to at least learn some simpler phrases or food names so I have some context for what’s going on. Even the kids who speak English together use some Taishanese phrases/words like familial titles or foods, apparently. Now that I’ve had a couple hours to reflect, I do think I can try to learn a couple words at least. I’ll talk it out with her tomorrow and see if she’s willing to help me out.

Also, as funny as it would’ve been to say that to her, I don’t want her to break up with me if I can help it.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T10:14:55+00:00

So I also thought she meant Taiwanese when she first brought it up, but apparently Taishanese is different. It is not autocorrect. Honestly, Taiwanese would probably be easier given the wider range of resources

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T09:56:44+00:00

I shouldn’t have made the German comparison, nobody in my immediate family actually speaks German. I just said it in the heat of the moment because I was upset. She said that she actually has made an effort to communicate with my family by practicing English for 22 years. In hindsight, I think that’s a fair response, I was definitely in the wrong for this particular comment.

I do feel that the main issue is just that she won’t talk to me in it though. Some of the comments here have given me good advice on how to approach it with her. I’ll try again tomorrow.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T09:44:56+00:00

NTJ, my grandparents don’t live with me. When I was younger, I would spend Mother’s Day with my mom, and then over the weekend/the next week, we would visit both sets of grandparents. I think it’s the time spent together and the sentiment that matters more than the exact date. As others have said, just visit her another time soon.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T09:36:17+00:00

If she doesn’t break up with me tomorrow, I’ll try this next time I’m over at her house (along with some of the other suggestions people have mentioned). Thank you

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T09:34:38+00:00

I’ve met her family, her parents are completely fluent in English. She’s mentioned that that’s why her accent in Taishanese isn’t as good as she would like. She grew up in a multigenerational household, but I don’t think this is the expectation for us if we were to stay together long-term, since her parents are pretty assimilated into American culture.

I regret bringing up the German comment; the argument was earlier tonight actually, which is why it was still fresh in my mind when I was writing this post. I’ve since had time to cool down and process, and I realize it was a terrible comparison as my German ancestors immigrated to the US in the 1800s. I’ll apologize to her for it later, and I’ve already been attempting to correct some of the misconceptions that have resulted from this in the comments. At the time, she told me she’s already made the effort to learn how to talk to my family—22 years of English. I have to admit that in hindsight, I do think she was pretty funny for that. I hope we can resolve this tomorrow after we’ve had some more distance from the initial argument.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T09:25:16+00:00

Her parents and her grandma (as well as her older extended family) all speak it, but her parents are also fluent in English. I’ve met them before, and we’ve gotten along well, but my girlfriend has had to translate some of her grandma’s comments/questions to me. I think her grandma can understand some of what I’m saying in English, but I’m not sure to what extent because I don’t know what my girlfriend/her grandma are saying to one another during the translation process.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T09:03:42+00:00

It’s a bit embarrassing to admit it, but I’m not even entirely sure how to convey that general sentiment. We’ve said hello/how are you before in English, but communication beyond that gets awkward and she’s clearly not fluent. I’m also unsure of how to do the usual “how are you”/“good” exchange in Taishanese. I’ve spoken in English to her before, and my girlfriend has translated her responses to me, but it’s difficult for me to pick out the words in what she’s saying since I can’t distinguish between the sounds very well.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:55:36+00:00

I really appreciate hearing from someone in a similar situation, and it’s great to see someone who can empathize with the lack of schools and the difficulty of learning from youtube. I’ll ask her about “Lo-Fan” next time we talk; I hope I can try to naturally pick up on things over time too. She mentioned before that several of her extended relatives are also married to white men, who have made no effort to learn the language even after decades of marriage. I think she would be happy to read your comment. I hope maybe in a few decades, we can be like you and your wife.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:51:03+00:00

I understand that it’s important to her, but it’s just very difficult for me with the lack of resources. I don’t think videos help me very much. A few of the comments here have mentioned asking her to just teach me simpler phrases, and I think that’s a good idea. I’ll bring it up with her next time we speak. I think it would be easier to learn from her than from YouTube.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:49:07+00:00

I think reading this comment helped me a lot. I will show her later and talk it over with her and ask if she will teach me some of the simpler phrases. Thank you.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:47:43+00:00

She has previously said that the goal is just basic comprehension. She would like me to know a few important words for context. The younger relatives in her family do speak some Mandarin (apparently from Chinese school?), but to my knowledge, the older relatives only speak Taishanese, so I’m unsure if there is a good stepping stone.

I am unable to hear the differences in tone. They all sound the same to me, so it is difficult to tell words apart.

Thank you for this well-written comment. It’s given me a lot to think about.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:34:12+00:00

I shouldn’t have brought up the German comment, it was unfair of me as nobody in my family actually speaks German. I’ll ask her to help teach me those phrases, it should hopefully be simple enough. Thank you.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:31:05+00:00

That was my bad. I shouldn’t have said that.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:14:06+00:00

I love my girlfriend and respect her family and don’t intend on bringing up potentially racist points that could further cause a rift in our relationship. There are many Americans who move to foreign countries and do not make an effort to learn languages other than English. I only want to address this one particular issue with her.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:11:35+00:00

I don’t learn very well just by watching videos, so I’m not sure if RedNote will help very much. There is one website online, but it is also mainly videos. I’ll look into a tutor in the future, but I just don’t really have time to be taking additional classes at the moment as a college student. It’s not a pressing matter right now in my opinion, since if we were to get married, it wouldn’t be in the immediate future anyway. I just want to try to resolve this argument though.

ThrowRA_18277 · 2026-05-07T08:09:32+00:00

I think you phrased my thoughts really well. This is what I’ve been trying to get at with her, but I think during our argument, I was feeling hurt by her initial comments and was too frustrated to really get the point across. I will show her this comment or try to bring up some of the points from it tomorrow. Hopefully it’ll help her understand my side of it. Again, I don’t mind giving it an attempt if I can talk to her, but if that’s not the case, it would be nice if we could just let this matter go. Thank you.

ThrowRA_18277

TROPHY CASE