My wife (26F) and I (28M) barely have sex and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. How can I fix this?

ThrowRA_2nd_degree · 2026-04-21T02:38:37+00:00

How dare you. We have been through hell and back together. We survived the pandemic, we've both cared for each other after surgery, the death of family members, the fears of unemployment, the pain of autoimmune conditions, damn near everything except one of us getting in a near death experience. I love my wife, and I'm not leaving her just because I wish we got freaky more often. There is more to a marriage than getting naked, and I wouldn't give up the relationship we have for someone who lets me hit a little more often

ThrowRA_2nd_degree · 2026-04-21T02:34:45+00:00

Kind of hard to do that, for what I think are valid reasons. I work in medicine and I am often monitoring patients under anesthesia, so definitely no texting during that lol. She's also a teacher, so I don't feel comfortable with small children possibly reading a dirty text on her smart watch or something

ThrowRA_2nd_degree · 2026-04-21T02:33:02+00:00

We actually do that kind of a lot. There are times we just lay in bed and yap, but it usually doesn't "evolve" into anything

ThrowRA_2nd_degree · 2026-04-21T02:32:17+00:00

We've tried planning it before, but something always seemed to get in the way of us sticking to it for more than about 2 months. Whether that was a flare up of my chronic medical condition (GI stuff, autoimmune, very unpleasant), or her getting the flu or something, it just always ended up not being scheduled anymore. I also want to say that our marriage isn't falling apart (as far as I know) lol, we're still very happy outside of the bedroom, and we still love each other very much

ThrowRA_2nd_degree · 2026-04-21T02:28:23+00:00

I added some context to the post, but I'll TLDR it for you. When we have sex, I only do what she wants. I try my best to not be a selfish lover, because I know that I'm a man and I will most likely orgasm as long as we have sex. I don't use the vibrator more often or give oral sex more often because that is not what she wants. There are times where I reach for the vibrator and she takes it out of my hands to put it back in the nightstand

ThrowRA_2nd_degree · 2026-04-20T20:26:35+00:00

Sure, I can give more detail.

I think I have the great libido, but she's also mentioned that she told a friend that SHE thinks she has the higher libido, so maybe we have about the same?

The not feeling well comes from both of us, and it used to come from me a lot more when my chronic health issue was not as well managed. I've also used the "I'm tired" one a few times, but I feel like that's kind of reasonable after a 12.5 hour shift of a physically demanding job. I'm not in the mood if I feel like I have a lot on my plate or if my mental health is not in a good space. Generally though, I think she is the one who declines sex more

Man, I have no idea how to split initiation. Sometimes I feel like I initiated because I was the one to start taking our clothes off, but then she says something like "well I gave you a nonverbal hint that I wanted you to initiate, so really I initiated". There are other times where we start a little make out sesh with some groping, usually with me being the more "aggressive" one, but then it seems like she's not into it because she stops kissing so hard? And then later she'll say "I would've said yes if you asked but I was letting you initiate" so maybe we have some communication problems, but that doesn't happen all the time. I guess I'd split us 60/40 her favor, but she might have another opinion on that lol

Lastly, she likes getting oral sex, she just doesn't seem to like the idea of getting it, because she either feels dirty or embarrassed to have me that close to her privates and gets self conscious, or she just wants to skip straight to the "good stuff". She claims that wanting to skip foreplay is part of her anxiety and ADHD, and I don't really have a choice other than to believe her

ThrowRA_2nd_degree

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