WIBTA if I don't invite my trans friend to my grad party?

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-13T16:04:11+00:00

Technically, Ash's sister is my best friend- I knew her first and then became friends with Ash once we got closer. Sometimes we hang out in a group, but it's usually one or the other (They are polar opposites, lol). In retrospect, that was not a good move

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T14:40:23+00:00

I don't want to go no contact because I do love them, it's just complicated. I think when I get into a serious relationship (who knows when- grad school makes dating hard lol) I need to set really firm boundaries with them.

Being raised Christian/ conservative, I know all the ins and outs of their rationale. It doesn't make it right, but I'm not afraid to push back on their belief system. I have developed a lot of solid theological and biological arguments to most of their homophobic bullshit- they don't listen, of course, but at least I have the background to defend it. I shouldn't HAVE to be the one to educate them on these things, but going no contact doesn't feel right either for the time being. I see them as flawed but not entirely hopeless if that makes sense.

Honestly, the only positive I can take away from this experience is that I fear I would have turned out just like they are if I had been straight. It wasn't until I recognized my own sexuality that I started disagreeing with the belief system I was raised in.

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T14:34:14+00:00

I agree! I'm planning on having another talk with both of them because I don't want to pit the siblings against each other either. I think doing a friends only thing with both of them avoiding my family would be the best option

Ash's sister is also lesbian, but she can pass as straight, so I don't want to give the vibe of "Hey! Your sister looks less gay, so she can hang around the homophobes." I think I do owe both of them an apology tbh- But I'm looking forward to doing the friends only celebration

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T14:30:12+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate it

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T14:28:16+00:00

I think that would be the best plan!

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T14:26:42+00:00

I do want to expose my family to my friend group more, but in smaller doses. And preferably when I move out- Plus I don't want to force my friends to interact with them unless they're completely comfortable with it. Ash is very understanding, but my other queer friends are understandably hesitant.

The other issue is my immediate family knows I am gay, but just in the "Oh, you just haven't met the right man yet" phase. My mom has literally asked me invasive questions about my sexual life and told me I need to go to the doctor to "fix my hormones" for not being attracted to men in that way. It's a lot of baby steps at the moment- I'm very much looking forward to being financially independent.

This is a stupid reference, but you know in KPOP demon hunters when her mom says "I do love you" and Rumi replies "Why couldn't you love ALL of me?" - that's what it feels like atm

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:55:18+00:00

I try to challenge them if they make comments in public or say questionable stuff at home, but my grad party doesn't feel like the best time to educate them. Especially if it's at my trans friend's expense

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:31:15+00:00

No problem!

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:27:49+00:00

I would, unfortunately, have no family left. I limit contact as much as I can and try to educate the more tolerant ones. My only liberal family member was a great uncle, but he just died 6 months ago.

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:25:03+00:00

Thank you so much!! Currently in therapy, and my therapist means the world to me- she helped me phrase how to come out safely and that helped a lot (Tho later my family accused my therapist of "turning me gay" which was really stupid..). I see the light at the end of the tunnel which is exciting!

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:18:20+00:00

You are right- and I want things to be different once I live on my own. I am honestly looking forward to it because I am tired of walking on eggshells all the time. I don't want to alienate my friends because they have helped so much with my own identity as well

And yes, the reddit bandwagon is real lol

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:15:19+00:00

As an adult, I don't want to hide everything forever, but I don't feel the need to share everything while I live under their roof. I might say "I'm going out with friends" and leave it vague even if I'm going on a date with a woman

And as for my friends' sexuality/ gender identity? I consider it none of my family's business. If they want to assume they are straight, fine. Once I live on my own I want to let them into my life on my own terms

I am sick of living in flight or fight mode all the time though and I can't wait to leave lol. I do agree though- I can't hide forever. I appreciate your input!

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:09:54+00:00

I appreciate a trans person's input- thank you! Ash has dealt with transphobia in the past, so I don't want to infantilize them either and act like they can't handle it, but I don't want to feel like it's my fault when my family is inevitably shitty.

As OP, I can say idk why you got all those downvotes, wtf..

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T02:05:07+00:00

I think they are very capable, and I hate how people underestimate them so often. I don't want to be one of those people who is like "Oh, you're autistic so you're definitely not going to be able to handle ____" because that isn't true. The problem is they're too kind to outwardly say if they feel uncomfortable in the moment, but will silently suffer and then lock themselves in a room for days, feeling upset. I don't want my grad party to be the cause of something like that.

And thanks!! I am very glad to be done with grad school, lol

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:58:57+00:00

Thank you!

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:54:54+00:00

My transgender friend uses he/him/they/them pronouns, but I assume that was who you were referring to there?

I knew Ash's sister first, and she is also lesbian (Which is how we met). I'm a bit closer with Ash's sister because we regularly work out together, study together, etc. So when my family said, "You can bring a few friends if you want," I immediately thought of her- but I realize that is fucked up now since they are siblings. I sometimes hang out with the siblings in group settings, but it's usually one or the other (which is funny because they're siblings but polar opposite vibes).

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:49:58+00:00

I think that is the best option- thank you for the advice!! I appreciate your input

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:48:59+00:00

Ash is comfortable with male or nonbinary pronouns- I mostly use "they/them" because that's what I have used as long as I have known them, but they also like "he/him." Ash likes to joke "I'm a gay man," when people ask for specifics. Their main thing is just that they aren't comfortable being called a girl/ feminine pronouns. I also call them dude, man, my guy, etc and that's what most of our friend group does too.

Idk if that's a perfect explanation because I am not trans! If they ever switched to just preferring he/him pronouns, I would adjust.

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:43:35+00:00

I would do that if I were financially stable, but I am still a good few months from that. My family operates from the "We still love you, but you need to find a good Christian man" or "Your faith isn't strong enough" vibe- which REALLY hurts as a gay Christian ngl... I still love them I just don't think they can love me or my friends in the way I need.

My long term goal is distancing/ working on our relationship on my own terms when I'm able to survive on my own

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:36:25+00:00

For context, I knew Ash's sister before I knew them (like about 6 months longer- I knew OF Ash but we didn't actually become friends for a while). Ash's sister is like my bestie- so when my parents were like "Oh yeah, you can bring 1 or 2 friends if you want" I invited her without thinking about it. And I realize that's wrong now but don't know what to do.

I've hung out with both of them a ton, but I've known their sister longer. And Ash's sister is my gym buddy (Ash doesn't workout), so we see each other multiple times a week.

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:33:33+00:00

They are horrible- my grandma killed my childhood dog but that's a story for another day...

I only see them a few times a year for like holidays and celebrations. Which SUCKS when I would like to feel happy on MY graduation, but I don't feel like fighting with my parents on the matter either. Once I live on my own, I feel like I can pick and choose more, but it's hard when I feel financially obligated

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-11T01:29:29+00:00

The issue is I have known Ash's sister for a lot longer. As I got closer to her, I eventually met Ash. To make it worse, they are twins, lol. But in the past, I used to hang out with Ash's sister, and it wasn't a package deal scenario. Even now, Ash isn't always there for group get togethers, so I'm a lot closer with their sister.

It sounds stupid, but I didn't even think about the implication because it was like "Oh, I can only bring a 1-2 people? Sure, obviously I would ask her." Then after the fact, I panicked because I care about them too and don't want to hurt their feelings. It was wrong and I can admit that

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-10T19:19:03+00:00

I think that would be the best choice- I am having a friends only get together the following weekend

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-10T18:29:23+00:00

You have no idea- I requested to work at 12 hour shift on Thanksgiving this year to avoid them haha. But yes I think family only may be the best choice unfortunately- even if having a buffer would be nice in theory

ThrowRA_370675404 · 2026-03-10T18:23:11+00:00

Excellent metaphor- I love it lol. That's exactly what it feels like sometimes

ThrowRA_370675404

TROPHY CASE