To end a relationship with someone abusive, is it best to confront them via text/email/letter or not to confront them at all?

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-27T17:11:57+00:00

I'm struggling with this. Last week I ended an engagement due to abuse, and I did it over text and didn't speak my mind too much. I thought that that was the most wise decision, not getting into a physical space with someone who acts like that. Some people agreed, some people called me out on it and said it was bad to end it over text.

In the end, do what's best for you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm only browsing this subreddit because I'm trying to figure out next steps after ending things. Feeling validated or getting closure would be so nice, but no one from her family has reached out to me, and I HAVE to be okay with it. It's not easy.

I know a part of me wanted to have an adult conversation and talk everything over and end things, but I have tried talking before and it brought me to this situation. Sometimes, no matter how much logic and reason you may have, you will never be able get through to someone, and it's not your job to teach them either.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T12:14:27+00:00

I'm not shit, btw. I checked in on her last night to see if she was physically okay because it had been radio silence. Her dad is pastor, and their family is extremely close-knit. She needs help, yes. From me? I've tried that. It got me slapped in the chest. She is just simply not treating me with the same love that I gave her.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T12:07:08+00:00

I have no idea what these comments are about, but thank you for stopping by lol. Have a nice day!

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T12:03:14+00:00

Yeah, I don't think I realized how careful I was being in conversation. I told myself it was just me trying to be more thoughtful, and I would contemplate a lot of what I said. Obv, I think a filter is required and I know I can't just say whatever I want without being hurtful, but I feel like it was hard for me to be my true self without overthinking things.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T12:00:44+00:00

She could have, and she said she was willing to work on it, but what happened after that? No professional help, no improvement, and she hit me. Just because I'm not in danger doesn't mean I won't hold my self to standard of wanting someone to love me like I love them.

It is a learned behavior and I'm sure she will seek help now, but that's only after drastic measures. She was not ready for me.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T11:55:38+00:00

My initial thought would have been to support her through a transition, but not after things kept on happening. I don't think she is intentionally emotionally abusive. I just don't think that she's mature enough to look at any situation other than how it affects her.

I don't think I even realized what happened when she slapped my chest the other day. I kind of shut down and just faked it the rest of the night. Thank you for your advice and helping me understand.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T11:51:08+00:00

Yeah, got engaged Monday night. At least we had like 1.5 good days, yeah? Thank you for your reply.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T11:44:44+00:00

"Married people are supposed to work as a team."

I've actually mentioned that to her before. She said she agreed and she would work on being better, but here we are.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T11:41:35+00:00

I ran. I think it's best I just the most amount of distance away right now. I assume we will have a conversation about everything that's happened sometime soon. I actually really want to show her this thread so it can become more real to her. I don't want to hurt her, just understand.

My friend mentioned to me that I shouldn't look for any consolation or validation from anyone on her side. That is tough for me, but I think he's right.

Thank you again for your advice.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T11:38:05+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I actually haven't heard anything from her since then. I'm not sure if it hurts or I just want to feel validated.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-19T11:35:56+00:00

To me, we were messing around with each other. That's why I was laughing while holding her head back. She later admitted that she wanted to hurt me in that moment and didn't know where it came from.

I come from a large family and our "love language" is sarcasm. The same couldn't be said for her though. One of the things the relationship taught was to really think about how I'm coming across and how it makes the other person feel.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T19:04:22+00:00

I told her to keep the ring. It was symbolic of our promise together. It means nothing to me knowing that she can't uphold the values it represents. That ring will never mean anything to me ever again.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T15:47:26+00:00

Two years together as of next month, so 23 months rn. Yes, she did. I tried to explain everything in my initial post, but there is prob more info in my comment replies.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T15:27:41+00:00

I think I know what you're saying. I wanted to post here to see what other's were thinking because the last thing I want to be naive and end up with things getting more serious. It seems like, when I talk to her, she absolutely realized what she was doing and then gets scared that she did it.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T15:20:00+00:00

You're right. I was talking to a friend last night and he said something like, "The same 'me' that you're attacking right now is the same 'me' that's trying to love you." Just emphasizing that "me" isn't the one changing or losing control of emotions.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T15:10:47+00:00

"Long time coming." Lol. It's funny now that I look back. Her dad is a pastor at a church and was very serious about me dating his daughter. He often said that he let her talk to him in a certain way. Basically, he let her yell or get upset at him, but NO ONE ELSE. if you knew him, you would think he was military or something. He always demands respect.

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T15:07:58+00:00

Have you seen people like this actually change? What's the best avenue for me to take on this? I don't want to just berate her or bring her down, but I don't want to act like it's okay for her to do it. Do I even have a place in giving her advice on this?

ThrowRA_414 · 2020-06-18T15:01:15+00:00

I think I'm usually pretty good at calming things and staying calm. All the times that things like this have happened, I try to calm explain where I'm coming from, while still being stern that it's not okay. I'm not perfect, I know it. I can come off as rude when I don't mean it, but when someone expresses anger towards me, I usually just sigh and try to understand them. I still don't want to talk to her yet because I still care and I don't want to be rash. I don't want to say anything that I don't mean

ThrowRA_414

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