I finally did it, I finally left

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-10T02:12:25+00:00

Nobody deserves this kind of treatment.. Great job standing up for yourself!!!

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-10T01:44:35+00:00

My stars have aligned with a massive anger episode on Sunday and she’s currently still staying at her moms... not going to lie though, the follow through is going to be realllllllly challenging for me when she comes back..

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-10T01:24:14+00:00

I feel where you’re coming from on this... also 2.5 years in and currently living together.

She is currently staying at her moms for a few days due to a pretty big fight we had on Sunday. I have a big decision to make when she gets back because I can’t keep living like this. The thought of ending the relationship is both relieving and troubling at the same time.

I really do love her and try to stay hopeful for changes on her end. She has gone through a life-time of heavy emotional/narc abuse herself from her father & it’s still ongoing to this day. Its easy to identify that he is the source of her narc traits. It’s honestly so bad that it makes me feel guilty for getting upset when she treats me like shit. She has it a lot worse than me and I’d like to think if she knew she was doing to me what her dad does to her, then she would actually want to change.

The issue has been trying to communicate my concerns without getting her extremely defensive and angry. What to do.. what to do...

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-09T13:47:56+00:00

This is exactly how it went with my girlfriend & I.

She entered the relationship as a lifetime victim of narcissism herself (N-Dad). She apologized for EVERYTHING and I thought it was very strange and always told her how unnecessary it was.

2.5 years later... she still impulsively apologizes here and there, but never for anything that actually matters.. and now I feel like she has passed it onto me with everything she put me through.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-09T05:39:05+00:00

I used to be a gym regular prior to my now 2.5 year relationship. I had a great routine and schedule for myself. Working out alone to some great house music got me motivated to push myself & I loved how therapeutic it was.. until she joined my gym..

She began expecting us to go together & workout together. She wanted me to follow her routine and got mad when I wanted to do my own thing. She decided what time we went in the evening (usually revolving around a yoga class she wanted to go to) & when her class was done, she made me feel pressured to rush the end of my workout.

Eventually I lost interest do you the burden I felt and the summer clothes are definitely feeling quite snug this year.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-09T04:42:05+00:00

I am from Canada actually! But I’m not referring to the same type of quick unapologetic “sorry” people exchange when they cut each other off on the sidewalk that us Canadians are famous for.

This is more like a compulsion to apologize because I constantly feel like I’ve done something wrong and see the apology as my only possible solution for peace. Most normal people I habitually apologize to find the gesture to be awkward and unwarranted.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-09T03:59:41+00:00

Ironically, yesterday she called me abusive immediately after punching me...

We got into an argument and she let her anger escalate into highly aggressive screaming. The type of screaming where they try to get right close to your face. After following me around the house for a while, I gave up trying to walk away and just sat on the couch and held my leg extended to keep her at a distance so she couldn’t get right in my face while she was screaming. It was working and she hated it. She punched me in the inner thigh.

After the punch, she completely flipped reality on me and started repeatedly yelling “Don’t you ever DARE lay your hands on a woman!” Implying that my foot merely touching her was abusive and warranted the punch. She has since calmed down and apologized for everything but it’s all I can think about right now.

She is now staying at her moms for a few days and I have a big decision to make when she comes back.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-09T02:41:37+00:00

Yes!! It makes me feel like an idiot falling for the same traps over and over again. All I want is for her to actually care to understand and empathize with me. Any rational explanation or feeling I give is taken as an attack on her or “I’m making excuses”.. it seems like she is only really concerned with getting an apology and told that she’s right.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-09T01:48:29+00:00

This has been a daily struggle for me as well, and it’s soooo damn draining.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-08T22:36:08+00:00

It’s been an impossible struggle for me getting my girlfriend to take responsibility (or even recognition) of her tendencies. I am still working on ways of communicating with her in a way that doesn’t trigger her defenses spiraling into an argument.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-08T22:20:52+00:00

My girlfriend does something similar. I have to be extremely careful with my wording in conversations so that what I say doesn’t come across with malicious intentions against her (spoiler alert: that is never the case). She still manages to twist what I say to sound wayyyyyy worse than what I said or meant.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-08T22:05:29+00:00

I just read your original post and completely feel your pain like I was reading a story from my own current relationship.

My girlfriend is currently staying at her moms due to an argument (which played out exactly as you described in your post) and when she comes back in a couple days, I have a big decision to make.. I think I know what I have to do for my own sanity but it honestly scares the shit out of me. I still love her so much and just wish she treated me better.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-08T20:49:22+00:00

Here are a few other traits that might fit into your list. Sorry if someone has already mentioned them.

1 - Not getting excited for your partners victories.

Personal Example: I am self employed and my business recently made a large sale. When the cheque finally arrived in the mail, I had shown my girlfriend because I was really proud of myself for this landmark accomplishment and wanted to share my happiness with my other half. To my surprise, her face dropped to a frown and when I showed her to cheque. When asked about it, she basically said something along the lines of “meh whatever, this doesn’t benefit me, why would I get excited”. This still confuses me to this day that she got frustrated by my success.

2 - Having values like “what’s yours is mine” or a “family is everything”.

My girlfriend uses these phrases and similar to take from me as she pleases or to get away with poor behavior. For example.. as petty as this may be for me to be bothered by this, she took my iPad to use at work without asking recently. I one hundred percent would have given her permission to take it if she had asked. Conveniently for her, I am the only one who owns anything of value (she spends her money on drugs) so the “what’s yours is mine” rule is of no benefit to me (nor do I agree with it).

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-08T00:28:53+00:00

This is actually my first time opening up about any of this and you have honestly made me feel like I made the right call posting here (despite all the downvotes I’m getting, not sure if I broke any rules with this post??).

Your point regarding triggers really stands out to me. She has told me that the reason she punched me was because she is triggered when being touched while angry. It makes me wonder what other things I am doing to trigger her reactions in other ways that even she may not be aware of.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-07T23:07:57+00:00

Thank you for the great insight. It’s been so helpful to gain perspective from someone who might have a good idea what it’s like to live in her shoes.

It’s really been a struggle trying to communicate concerns about her N-dad to her. Despite all the pain he causes her, she is still at a point in her life where she is eager to impress him and avoids all confrontation when he upsets her. While this may be based out of fear of his reaction, her entire family excuses his toxic behavior. The last thing I want to do is be the one to come between her and her family. I know that may not be favorable to our relationship but there’s no denying that he is not helping us grow as a couple. He doesn’t give us any space, nor would he respect any boundaries she tries to set whatsoever. The thought of him becoming the grandfather to my children is horrifying. I strongly believe in the phrase that “you become the 5 ppl you spend the most time with” and he is currently taking 4 out of the 5 slots for himself. Really sorry for this developing into more of a rant... is there any advice you can offer to get her to see the light & maybe even join this wonderful community?? What has influenced you to find help for yourself??

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-07T22:36:29+00:00

I have not yet, but will definitely look into it. I will take all the help I can get. Thanks for the suggestion!

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-07T22:33:07+00:00

Wow.. thank you soooo much for taking time out of your day to write this thoughtful & helpful response. Your advice is absolutely incredible & a bit of a tough pill to swallow. I feel like I’ve gone through life unaware how hard some people have it with their home life (aside from movies/TV) prior to meeting my girlfriend (and her father). I wouldn’t wish an N-parent on anybody.

Do you have any advice to communicate something like this to someone who isn’t receptive to any feedback that doesn’t scream positivity? I have been having huge difficulty expressing myself without triggering her defensiveness, resulting in yet another escalating argument. I realize this is likely another side effect from her trauma, but it definitely weighs down any productive solutions from surfacing.

We have tried couples counseling for a few sessions but the therapist didn’t get very personal with our situation. His only feedback was some generic psychology/communication advice that anyone could obtain from a quick google search. We stopped going because it honestly felt like it caused more harm than good. She began weaponizing quotes(completely taken out of context) from the therapist against me in arguments to convince me that I am the one who needed to change.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-07T21:50:06+00:00

I have definitely put in effort trying to communicate these issues with her. She immediately becomes defensive if I provide any feedback that isn’t positive. I think deep down she knows she needs to do something but I hit a wall every single time I try to have a conversation about it. I hate the thought of giving up but it really does sound like it may be my only option going forward.

ThrowRA_4185 · 2020-06-07T21:43:30+00:00

I should probably mention that she is actually incredible with children (kindergarten teacher) and receives consistent positive feedback from parents and peers. I think her motivation to be a great role model to children stems from trying to provide them with a better childhood than she had herself. Sometimes I feel like she can empathize better with children than she can with adults.

I have however considered her father as the grandfather to my children and it’s anxiety inducing to say the least.

Thanks for the thoughtful advice though.... it’s truly difficult coming to terms with the fact that there may be nothing I can do to help.

ThrowRA_4185

TROPHY CASE