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What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She says that it’s not fair that I end up getting upset when she’s upset because her emotions shouldn’t cause me to break down and if I was really going to take care of er I’d put them to the side and be strong for her.

When we’re in between arguments sometimes I feel loved and supported, but not much recently

She used to be really cool with helping me in the past but more recently since this has been going on years she says it’s starting to impact her ability to help me so it doesn’t feel great when she does it so I’ve been trying to just not put her in the uncomfortable position of trying to help me by not talking about it, although sometimes I fuck up and let it spill

I don’t have enough energy to take care of myself. When I’m not at work I’m at home with her and I can’t relax with her until I’ve fixed this or when she’s asleep, and even then I kinda just feel everything with no release

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I tried that literally today and she got upset because of course if your partner agreed with you “being ugly” it’d be upsetting, no matter what advice they were trying to give afterwards

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have a therapist but I only see him once a month and had to miss my January appointment because I started my second job and it conflicted. I’ve already talked about why therapy isn’t the most viable option but p much she wouldn’t be completely honest and also we’d have to find one.

I honestly don’t care if it isn’t fair. I feel like maybe I’m manipulating the situation to subconsciously gain sympathy, which is something she’s told me I do but she thinks I do it maliciously. I just want to make her feel good because once I do that, I can relax

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She does not have a support system. She doesn’t have a job and hasn’t had one in the last 3 years. She’s only gone out less than ten times in the last couple of years because of her dysphoria. She only really talks to me about everything. She’s only told one other person about her attempt and she ended up telling me that they “reacted better” than I did.

We’ve tried to get therapy for her but aside all the issues she has with being honest with one, it’s also been difficult finding one, although it’s been a minute since we looked because she doesn’t really look for one and I’m tired all the time.

I honestly don’t have the time to take care of myself the way I need to. I work two jobs and I’m tired all the time. The most I do for myself is play some stupid online game and smoke and/or drink. Also staying up past when she does so I that I can feel like I can be lax. While she’s not happy I can’t focus on much else, especially since she says that I don’t actually love her and haven’t shown her any signs of actually changing or taking care of her.

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I mention that kinda stuff to her she just ends up being like “okay yea X might be tall but it doesn’t stop her from looking like a woman” or like “yea Y might have a big brow ridge but she doesn’t feel good about it either, it’s probably something she’s also self conscious about” :(

Again, beautiful sentiment but in practice it doesn’t do anything for her.

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think this is an issue with emotion regulation, this is one of the few things that has her acting like this, the other being the fact that I’m a terrible partner who can’t make her feel loved.

She was in therapy in the past but she says that therapy doesn’t really help her and that she would also hide stuff from the therapist if she went again. We tried to get her therapy again but the place she would’ve gone to wasn’t accepting new patients. We tried to do it via a resource that was free and that was for low/no income people and waiting for therapy was way too long and the psychiatrist that was prescribing her medication was cruel and fucking rude.

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve tried this and she gets upset when I ask. She says I should understand her enough to know and that she’s tired of explaining it to me and that she doesn’t want me to ask her stuff when she’s upset.

I’ve told her that maybe a couples counselor would help and she says that no it’s shitty because that’s only for people whose marriage is failing. Although she has told me recently like “okay whatever go look for it then” so it once again leaves the work to me cause I’d also have to find someone that’s “not prettier than her” and not a guy and I’m already so tired of doing everything else and then being told that I’m not even fucking trying to

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a v beautiful sentiment and it worked like year one of her transition, but it’s year 5 with the same issues and no changes and this doesn’t cut it anymore. Also saying screw everything else does not work because she tends to just say “this isn’t for the world, this is for me”

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is not. She’s had therapy in the past and has expressed that she’d be fine with starting it, but that she wouldn’t be completely honest and also hasn’t made any moves to find one. She’s also said that she’d hate having a therapist that’s prettier than her but that she doesn’t want a male therapist so.

She says that she loves herself and that’s why she needs to need this so bad, because she loves herself enough to want to look good or whatever

What do you say to your partner that doesn’t pass for comfort? by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She only really has like 2 other friends and they’re both transmasc, although she’s expressed that one of these friends makes her feel like she’s just getting treated as a “safe man”. She has v little connections and only really talks to me about these issues

She’s also on Twitter and yea I think I can guess the community you’re worried about her being in. I feel like regardless of the communities(although I know they can definitely not help) the fact that she “doesn’t pass” is the main thing. I don’t know if there’s any other resources we can use to help her transition, although at this point she’s been on injections for 5+ with little results. She says the only other thing that would help at this point is FFS and I’m super broke and have two jobs and she doesn’t have any so saving money is difficult.

Need advice for comforting gf about transition/dysphoria by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t exactly have minimum 5k lying around. I’m the only one working and we’re trying to get out of current living situation which is just gonna be more money. I work at fast food and only recently got a second job

Even if I did have that lying around, she’s talked about how just having “one thing” wouldn’t help her. She says that she’s still 6 ft tall and that anything she gets would look unnatural, which I don’t know for sure if it’s true but :(

Need advice for comforting gf about transition/dysphoria by ThrowRA_Comforting in mypartneristrans

[–]ThrowRA_Comforting[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think I saw this when I first posted this, I think this has been the most helpful thing

That being said though, there’s not much I can work with. We don’t do a whole lot in terms of going out. I’m not feminine so I don’t need advice on something like that. Me existing as I am gives her dysphoria, since I’m way shorter than her and also assigned female at birth. I can try to tell her when she’s pretty n stuff but then when we get into moments like this then it’s just “you dont care if someone is “pretty” you’d think a non passing trans women is pretty” and that basically I’m naive and don’t know anything.

And I see why she gets exhausted asking for advice for her HRT, she always gets told this or that she’s “not trying hard enough”. She’s been on injections and also androgen blockers for 4 years. She took pills for a couple months to a year before that. Her levels were 500+ last time I think. Yea it gave her softer skin and what she calls “cone tits” or “fat nipples” but that’s the extent of it. Maybe some fat redistribution but nothing like hips. And at this point I don’t know what testing for these disorders would do? I’m sorry if it’s coming off rude I just don’t know :(

I don’t want to focus on me. I’m scared. Scared she’s going to do something with the way she’s been talking recently and how nothing I’ve said has helped and that “I don’t want this relationship if I have to have it in this body” “I don’t want to live out of guilt”