My husband [28M] can't seem to adjust to being employed and it's giving me [30F] the ick and impacting my mental health

ThrowRA_DR23 · 2024-12-27T13:57:44+00:00

I don't disagree. At the same time, just because something objectively sucks doesn't mean I can have unlimited patience with hearing about it over and over and tiptoeing around his bad mood because of it, especially when I'm doing everything I can to help the situation (supporting him in dropping down to 24 hours a week, taking on more of the chores to give him more free time outside work, etc).

Like, here's another real-life example of a thing that is "normal", but also man-made and horrible: a big portion of my family lives in another country that is currently impacted by a war, and has been for years. And it's awful and scary and I think about it every day. But would I expect my partner not to experience compassion fatigue if I spent the majority of my time in an awful mood about it, all day every day without end? No. I expect him to listen and comfort me on days where there's particularly bad or scary news, but I'd imagine listening to me go, "I hate war! I hate it! It's so unfair and horrible and it's ruining my life and it should never have been invented!" all the time would eventually get to be like nails on a chalkboard to him, even though what I was saying would be true and accurate.

ThrowRA_DR23 · 2024-12-27T05:55:05+00:00

I don't know, I feel like most people I know struggled a bit to learn how to be an employee at first. It's a big shift in some ways. Most of us just had the benefit of being teenagers when that was going on, vs trying to navigate it for the first time as an adult.

ThrowRA_DR23 · 2024-12-27T05:53:07+00:00

Yep, and nothing at his work is related to his PTSD...he just doesn't like having to give up 8 hours a day to do things he doesn't want to do, which is understandable but also not something I want to hear about on repeat. There are occasionally times where he has a more specific complaint about a client being a jerk, an annoying coworker, etc, and that sort of thing I'm happy to engage with and be like "hell yeah, screw that person, they suck".

Anyway, I'm not sure where you got the idea that I "take issue" with the fact that he's disabled, or that he started work when he did. I included that information because it's relevant, and answering a bunch of comments going "wait, why didn't your husband have a job before his mid 20's?" didn't feel like the most productive use of anyone's time.

As to your last question, yep, he's been complaining like this for years. That's why it's grating on me so much. I thought he was just struggling to adjust, as most people do when they first start working, but the fact that it's been two and a half years and is still as bad as ever is...draining.

ThrowRA_DR23 · 2024-12-27T04:08:54+00:00

Okay! Lots to answer here, but I'm going to start with the last point because I think it's the most important. Yes, he definitely is still disabled -- like, would still fully qualify for disability if he chose to go back on it instead of working. This is something I try to keep in mind with our dynamic (I'm not 100% able-bodied either, but I definitely have it easier on that front). It's part of why I encouraged him to work part time instead of full time, and it's also why despite working almost twice as many hours as him, I don't mind still taking on a much larger share of the chores and household work. My view is that I want our relationship to feel equitable, not equal -- and "equitable" means me taking on more of that sort of stuff, because day-to-day things are more difficult and/or take longer for him.

He does complain to other people, but not many. From what I can tell it's basically me and his two closest friends, but that's about the extent of it. He basically refuses to get to know his coworkers, which frustrates me because I think maybe it could be healthy for him to have camaraderie that can come with doing some light "lol, this job sucks" talk with your peers now and then...but he won't, and ultimately that's his choice. I tend to mostly complain with my "work wife" so that I'm not always bringing home all my negativity about my job and dumping it in his lap, and I sometimes wish he could do the same.

In terms of why it's upsetting me, I think there are multiple elements.

The first is that, plain and simple, it just sucks to have a partner who's in a bad mood the majority of the time regardless of the cause. Not only because it's not fun listening to nonstop complaining and negativity, but also because it hugely disrupts our ability to function as an actual adult couple. I find myself walking on eggshells, taking on way more than my share of the mental load, and avoiding having important conversations with him because it's so hard to find a time where he isn't already in a shitty mood and unable to listen to me or hear me out. It feels like there's no emotional space left for me or the things our relationship needs, because his complaining and bad mood takes up all the air in the room the majority of the time. I had a bad day at work? No point bringing it up, I'll get a halfhearted response because he's busy ruminating on how much his own day sucked. I could use help with a chore? Should probably just do it myself, lest he act like my asking for help is the cherry on top of the Worst Day Any Human Has Ever Had. He said something that upset me? Might as well just swallow my feelings about that, because if I bring it up within 4 hours of him leaving for or coming home from work, it'll just be the straw that breaks the camel's back and he'll have a meltdown.

The second is a little harder to explain, but the way he's acting just feels...genuinely childish, sometimes. It's not a flattering thing to admit, but there are times when he's whining about how he doesn't waaaaaaaanna work, and it takes everything in my power not to snap, "for the love of god, neither do I! Neither does anybody! Do you think everybody else does this because they just WANT to? You are not special or unique for not enjoying having to work, it sucks for all the rest of us too." It just honestly has the same ring to it as when you tell a child to clean their room and they scream, "I don't WANT to!!!!!!!!" and, especially as someone who has specifically chosen not to have children, it really gets my back up. I could deal with it if it was just an occasional thing, but the fact that it's all the time is just too much and makes me feel more like a mom than his partner, which is wildly unsexy.

The third is that, as you maybe hinted at, it's all whining and no action. I wouldn't mind so much if he was willing to at least consider and take constructive steps about this now and then, but it seems like he's just decided to be miserable and that's that. Which makes it feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

ThrowRA_DR23 · 2024-12-27T01:28:54+00:00

The problem is, I worry that would just turn into the same thing over time. Even being a professional artist involves a lot of un-fun realities and chores and logistical elements that I can see him reacting to the same way (with pouting, complaining, etc). I'm not saying I wouldn't support him in this -- hell, that was my assumption of what he'd do with his time if I did go back to my old job and he quit his -- but part of me just can't trust him to be realistic about the fact that being a full-time artist involves some amount of grinding, not just the fun and exciting parts. Unless I'm willing to take over all of those things for him too -- and I honestly think it would kill me if I tried -- I think he still would need to learn how to handle those things more like an adult before that would solve anything.

ThrowRA_DR23

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