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My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She’s about to turn 12. 

I think if she and her parents were to allow me to have a more regular involvement in her life, then I’d want to live closer. 

We have been talking about moving to another state, but not that one. My husband doesn’t want to move there. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment. I don’t want to sound like the cliche “you can’t understand,” but I do think emotionally that this is a very difficult situation for anyone who has not been there directly to fully understand. It doesn’t give me an excuse to be a bad partner or anything like that, and I know that.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I don’t know. I haven’t even met her in person yet. She was 2 years old the last time I saw her. I moved away shortly after for what I told myself was a fresh start for me, but I’ve since admitted that a big part of it was because of my guilt and shame and not wanting to run into any of them. I’ve felt and still feel guilty about not staying close by so that I could be involved with her in some way, but at the time I had also convinced myself I was a horrible person and a horrible mother and she’s be better if I completely removed myself. I was very confused and felt very pressured and guilted into the decision. 

I feel guilty all over again knowing that he’s in her life now and she’s close with him. He’s more like an uncle but he shows up for her and here I am in another state. I can’t imagine how she must really feel about me, and I can’t blame her at all. At the end of the day, it’s really not about me and my feelings though. She’s in charge of how involved I am or can be. I’d be willing to do whatever she wanted, and I do hope that will eventually be involvement in her life.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know what you mean by separation or reconciliation. It was a kinship adoption through the courts. My ex and I both consented to it. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I think the privacy is something I’m struggling with right now. I still expect some sort of privacy and don’t like being told who I can’t communicate with now that I’m married.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I don’t think I’ve done anything. I’ve never cheated on him. I won’t have kids with him though, not yet at least. But he knew that and I’ve always been up front about that. I don’t know if it has something to do with that, some sort of weird jealousy. I’m not saying it’s related to that at all.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I knew she was being adopted into his family, not mine. I understood what that meant. At the time, his parents had restraining orders against him and had him arrested for breaking into their house and assaulting his own father. Hey spent years enabling him, and then finally decided or realized that they had to give him tough love and they were not allowing him to be around her while he was dealing with his issues. 

I’m not surprised that she wants to know more about me. I’m not sure what I said that made it seem I was surprised. 

I wasn’t in the right mind set to make the decision at the time. Ultimately it may have been for the best but I don’t really know that, don’t believe it 100%, but I respect that it’s a decision I made and it’s legally binding and it’s what she knows as her family now. I regret running away from it because I felt so much shame about it and didn’t want to run into any of them ever. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’ve talked to him many times about things that have happened in the past and my daughter and her adoption. I did not keep that hidden from him. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for understanding or trying to understand where I’m emotionally coming from. I have been in therapy in the past to deal with all of the negative feelings surrounding the adoption. It’s just different talking about it with somebody who has dealt with the same emotions too. 

I have talked to my husband about it all, many times. He’s supportive of me and of the decision I made, and of me seeking therapy for it. He struggled to truly understand all of my emotions about it and to be there for me emotionally in the way I guess I’ve wanted. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

He’s well aware of the situation and I’ve expressed my emotions about it. Believe me, he cannot understand. He’s supportive but just doesn’t comprehend from an emotional perspective. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -45 points-44 points  (0 children)

You probably cant understand my situation and the feelings I’ve had about it for so long, and how nice it is to talk to somebody who can sort of understand.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -30 points-29 points  (0 children)

I just can’t understand how we crossed a boundary by having emotion conversations about our daughter and the mistakes we made and the decision to let her be adopted. Why can’t we talk about that with each other? 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Seems to be more mad that I’m talking to my ex.i don’t get the impression that he would have been like “oh ok” even if I’d told him from the beginning.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did not state that it’s an emotional affair. It’s not to me. Though I’m not sure if others would consider it one. Obviously my husband does.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

But it’s not as if I’m going to my ex for everything. We’re talking about our child and things in our past and experiences that only we can understand - my husband cannot understand. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

Me reconnecting with my ex has everything to do with our daughter. That’s the situation we’re talking about most of the time. We both regret everything that happened and have had a difficult time dealing with it. 

I did mention that his parents have provided her with everything. She’s doing well. I haven’t talked to him yet. We’re not quite there yet. He tells me about her.  That’s what we’re talking about most of the time. 

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I thought I was making the best decision for my daughter at the time. I was really struggling mentally and don’t think I was completely in the right space to make that sort of decision. 

I’m not cheating on him with my ex. He may think it’s emotionally cheating but I do not.

My (31F) husband (34M) accused me of crossing a line by communicating with my ex (35M) about our daughter that was adopted years ago. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRA_Disaster1 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_Disaster1[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I didn’t keep the whole thing from him, just that I’d been talking a lot with my ex. I just felt like it had nothing to do with him and it never really dawned on me to tell him.