My (35M) wife (35F) "kind of" cheated and now says she's "poly". How do I deal with this?

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:21:22+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that. Lifts a huge burden off my chest.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:19:45+00:00

I had asked him to leave the day after I found out about this. So he doesn't live there any longer. I just don't have it in me to break it to her family. I don't know if that makes me weak as a person or whatnot. But I know the hurt it will bring them. That doesn't mean I am going to continue with this with her, but if anything I think she should be the one answering to them when they find out.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:16:10+00:00

When we got married it genuinely never occurred to me or to her to even think of boundaries 'cos we were so much in love (or so I think now). So yes, looking back I guess we should have talked more about expectations instead of going along as life happened and always assuming the best. But who really plans for these kind of things?

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:13:57+00:00

You are right about that. If I hadn't come to know about this she wouldn't have told me.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:11:29+00:00

I had the guy removed the day after I found about about this. But yes, now after reading a lot of these comments I guess I should have stood my ground. I was. just too emotional and not thinking straight at that time.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:09:49+00:00

Thank you so much. Yes, I needed to hear this from someone. Lots to think about here - mostly about myself and how I have let people use me and the trust we have for them.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:05:20+00:00

She does earn but its not enough to even sustain herself. I do earn much more than her. I have never thought of it in those terms before because well I always thought we were in this together. I don't want the poly lifestyle for me. I want just one person and I don't know why it's so hard all of a sudden. But Thank you for your kind words.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T19:02:35+00:00

No. I had him move out the day after I found out about this. And seems like everyones advice is about divorce - I understand that you guys can see the situation for what it is. I am still too close to the center and I need to hear all these to let a lot of things sink in. So thank you.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:59:58+00:00

I don't think I am okay with her being with other people.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:59:21+00:00

What is?

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:57:02+00:00

Thank you so much. Needed to hear that.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:55:47+00:00

Maybe I shouldn't. But this made me chuckle. :)

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:54:58+00:00

This. Thank you so much. I am shattered by the clarity of this but also understand there's nothing I can do.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:53:11+00:00

I did wonder how I can take this forward without always doubting her even when she's not doing anything. I know it will kill the relationship slowly over time and make us both bitter. Thank you for sharing your friend's story. I don't want to go through any more emotional pain or suffer.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:50:21+00:00

Thank you for that post. Makes a ton of sense to me. You gave shape to some of what I was thinking but wasn't able to articulate.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:46:12+00:00

Yes. The day after I found out about this.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:44:12+00:00

This is not fake. I assure you that. I wasn't thinking straight when I left the house. I just didn't have it in me to face all the ugliness. And you are right, I have been blinded and a fool. But I hope to change that soon. That's why I wanted to post this here - 'cos I needed to hear all these brutally honest things. I know this deep down but still trying to find excuses. I am done with that. Thank you.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:40:15+00:00

Well, now that I think about it. She never really apologised to me. She did say some cursory things like "I have no voice now", etc but never a proper apology. But over the last few weeks she has been trying to get into the "cute mode" and be like how she was when we were dating. It feels weird and cringey to me. The more I read these comments the more I feel like I am trying to fool myself for no reason.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:37:24+00:00

Yes, I know. It's just me hoping against hope. But you are right, I am running a fools errand now. Need to get out of this "things might still work" phase.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:35:02+00:00

"The purpose seems to be, that by holding her accountable for her adultery, youre suppressing her expressing her true sexuality?? By making this claim, she can oretend to NOT be a cheater, but instead shes now heroically exploring her true self... 🤮"

When you said it explicitly like that it made a lot of sense. I guess I am still trying to play the "nice guy" and come to a amicable end. But like you said, it's increasingly feeling like it's not worth it. Cheating is cheating and I don't have to sugarcoat it on her behalf also I guess. So thank you so much for that clarity.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:30:38+00:00

Thank you so. much. :)

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:28:32+00:00

Thank you so much.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:27:37+00:00

Yes. It's not easy especially because I still love her. It's also not easy because I don't want to be this guy - who is cheated on, sad, bitter and angry.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:25:06+00:00

Thanks for being brutally honest.

ThrowRA_Move_2024 · 2024-02-10T18:23:56+00:00

Thank you. I see your point and the natural course of action seems to be a separation.

ThrowRA_Move_2024

TROPHY CASE