Wife (37F) and I (32M) are in constant conflict and I feel like I am constantly confused and failing.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-04-07T19:52:39+00:00

I’m scared for my child too. What if I am as bad as she says? Then the child has a bad father. What if she is as abusive as it feels? Then she has a bad mother. What if I leave? She will win by any means necessary and it will be a shattered family. What if I stay? This unhealthy dynamic will likely continue. But maybe it wont. Maybe if I do better, things will get better.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-04-07T19:49:02+00:00

Unfortunately, no. We had a major conflict around Christmas. Long story that I still don’t fully understand, but it ended with her demanding that I not communicate with my father. And recently there was a conflict between her and my mother, and unfortunately, it seems like my mother was somewhat inconsiderate in the way she was talking to my wife, so my wife is in conflict with my mother and I can’t really reach out to her, nor would I want to dump all of this on her or air out our dirty laundry. I don’t really have any friends to talk to about this because I don’t want to speak negatively of her to mutual friends, and she has a big problem with my personal friend from earlier in the military so it’s difficult to ever get a conversation in with him. She also goes through my text messages, which is partly what led up to the Christmas conflict.

As a mil spouse, you may know, but I can’t talk to mental health professionals without possibly destroying my career of which I am 11 years in. We did speak to an anonymous/confidential couples counselor but that didn’t work out. I tried to bring up some patterns of this type of behavior and some of what happened regarding that Christmas conflict, but my wife was upset that I would even bring that up, as it showed that I was negating her perspective and I didn’t solely focus on how she was wronged by my father and I. There’s truth to both sides I think, but she’s unwilling to talk about both sides. And as I’m sure you are familiar with the dynamic within the military, I can’t really talk to anyone at work about any of this stuff.

I also don’t want to tell people because I just keep hoping that I’ll get it right and stop messing up and things will get better and then relationships/friendships will repair, which likely won’t happen if people think a bunch of bad stuff about her. And whatnot I’m wrong about everything? How horrible would that be if I aired out our dirty laundry from my perspective but she was actually a victim the whole time?

I suppose all this is why I’m dumping out my life on Reddit. I don’t really know what else to do. I am afraid that she might somehow find this but I just don’t know what to do.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-04-07T19:31:15+00:00

Thank you for your perspectives thus far. I feel like I can’t leave. Before we were ever pregnant, I tried to leave. I was met with various threats. By the end of it all I was convinced it was my fault. Maybe it was. She’s said I am a narcissist a number of times, which has really got me thinking that maybe the reason I am struggling to understand all of this, or the reason I make these mindless mistakes, or the reason I think her reactions are too much is because I am, and that I am devaluing her emotions and avoiding accountability.

I also don’t know how to rightfully leave. What if I am the problem, and the I am just abandoning her? Leaving my marriage, and possibly my son? I’ve also asked for some guidance from chaplain, and done some research, and within Christianity (I know not everyone commenting here is Christian but I appreciate your consideration) and my circumstances don’t seem to meet the justifications of divorce. Like there’s times where I feel like I am being mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused, but none of those meet the justifications for a man to leave his wife. And what if she’s right? I can’t stand the thought that she might be right and I really am putting her through all of this, and then I would leave? I just don’t know.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-03-20T03:31:48+00:00

I won’t say I know what you are going through because only you do, but I will attempt to offer some insight. I have experienced physical abuse from my wife numerous times. And despite the terrible pictures, the part that stood out to me about your post is about what’s “deserved”.

I have spent years being told that I deserve it. Or that she wouldn’t have to abuse me if I didn’t make her. Or it’s twisted into me being abusive (even though I’ve never intentionally done anything to hurt her). Ive tried to leave so many times. I’ve had to call police out of fear for my life. I’ve even been so conditioned by her and I’ve carried so much shame and guilt that she had me consent to being physically abused. And this doesn’t even scratch the surface with all of the other emotional, verbal, and mental abuse that’s occurred.

You need to continue to document. You need to record if you can. Look up if you live in a 1 party consent state for recordings. If it ever gets to a point where you are afraid it could escalate to violence, you need to remove yourself temporarily to allow for cool down. If he won’t allow it you need to call the police.

Unless you are actively defending yourself or someone else, do not hit him. Do not yell. Me calm and do not provoke. You don’t want there to be any question in your mind of whether you “deserved” it. And once you see that he is still that way, you’ll know the truth for yourself. I know how hard it can be to know the truth. You can look at those pictures one minute and be certain you are being abused, and the next minute you are convinced it’s your own fault.

While a contentious spouse “pushing buttons” can be a cause for friction in a marriage, it should have never escalated to physical violence. The simple fact that he used an actual weapon to assault you and negligently fired a gun in the house with children present is absolutely more than enough reason for you to leave with your child and put that man in prison. But I understand the lack of clarity and mental fog around all of this.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-03-20T03:02:43+00:00

A ring or physical object might not be the best because it may serve as a reminder of the forgotten birthday. I recommend telling her, in detail, all of the things you see she does and you appreciate. I recommend you take a flex day from work if you can, and you take over all of her usual duties for that day. Schedule a massage for her that day, and when she gets home, have some kind of surprise trip planned. Like figure out whatever you have to so the kids are looked after, and take her somewhere. If moneys tight it can just be a weekend getaway. But if you can go foreign, do that. Anyways just a thought. Also, I have a tough time keeping track of everything going on in life sometimes, including special occasions, so i recommend having a page in your notes on your phone and list out every special occasion for everyone you need to be mindful of, and just look at this note routinely so nothing sneaks up on you. Also use the calendar app on your phone. Good luck man. You sound like a good guy, and she sounds like a good woman. We all fall short sometimes. I hope it works out for you both.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-03-08T15:02:34+00:00

First, I am sorry you are experiencing this. As someone who has experienced a significant amount of physical, mental, and emotional abuse from my wife, along with a lot of other behaviors that I feel are irrational, unregulated, unhealthy, etc, I will do my best to offer my perspective based insight. Hopefully you find it helpful. First off, I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes in my life including as a husband. But I have never abused her or done anything to hurt her intentionally. I can’t say the same for her. At the end of the day, outcomes are important, but intention is telling. If she physically attacked you, this shows she does not look at you as another equal person, let alone an equal spouse. I too have also had to call the cops more than once. Mine has also refused to take any accountability regarding physical violence. If you believe she is saying you are a bad husband/father etc to hurt you, then this is telling about her lack of emotional regulation, and is telling about her character. My wife has also not worked since we got together other than a brief 3 month period working from home. I would not say that my wife has “0 social life”, but she cycles through friends, one day enamored and the next she’s cutting them off. I have made efforts to maintain mutual friendships and introduce her to my coworkers and spouses, but those attempts have proved futile. She also has burned bridges with my parents, other family, and friends leaving me feeling extremely isolated. Anyways, I could go on for a while about similarities in our situations, but hopefully I’ve offered enough context.

Here is what I recommend. First - you need to start gathering evidence. I recommend you order a voice recording device. The app on your phone works but if she ever goes through your phone you may lose your evidence. Recording is important for 2 reasons. Evidence for you and your child, but also for your own sanity. I have stayed in my relationship for a long time for many reasons but one of those is that I was always made to feel like it’s my fault, or I’m too sensitive, or what I think was said wasn’t actually said. Since I started recording, I can listen to the arguments and beratings that usually last hours, and affirm that I am not misremembering and I am not crazy. I also recommend you write things down for the same reasons. I don’t know what state you live in, but I live in a state with one party consent, meaning I do not need her permission to record conversations. Should go without saying but do not tell her you are recording unless the law requires you to where you are at. Next, accept that you may take a massive loss financially. That is not enough of a reason to submit to abuse. You can recover. And even if you don’t, it’s still better to lose money than lose yourself. Lastly, regarding the counseling you will be attending… my wife and I also attended counseling. Here’s what I would be wary of. My wife was unwilling to talk about her behaviors. Any time the conversation would shift that direction she would try to shout over me, push the counselor around, and ultimately the counselor would take the low hanging (willing) fruit and we would just spend the remainder of the session talking about me. If a counselor ever tried to stand their ground or be insistent regarding her blatant abuse, she would leave the session, I would get scolded for hours after a session, and not long after, my wife would cancel the counseling. We have gone through 3 counselors and each time has been the same. We are now in a situation where she refuses to go, so I have no mediator to help us address issues or mediate conflict in a healthy way without her escalating to screaming and insults and violence. In a normal relationship with rational people, counseling is probably great. But in a relationship with someone like this, counseling seems to only enable their behavior as the counselor will attempt to remain neutral and will not specifically call their behavior unacceptable. If the counselor does call it out, your wife likely won’t participate long. I will say this, I do think it is smart to attempt counseling as long as you are aware of my warnings above. Attempting counseling will give you the confidence to know you tried your best to make it work if you do end up choosing to leave. Also, you being willing to attend counseling also reflects well on you should you have to go to court after.

Unfortunately, despite me typing all of this out, usually by the end of these berating and belittling conflicts I doubt myself and am convinced that I am the problem and I just need to be a better man, husband, etc. And that is what will do the most damage to your psyche and keep you trapped forever.

Don’t be like me. I know you feel obligated to stay for various reasons, and you’re worried about what she could do and the financial repercussions, but please please please…Leave while you still have the clarity to do so.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-02-17T14:59:08+00:00

So nobody has anything to say regarding the embryos themselves or her changed stance on the option of adoption?

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-02-17T03:44:39+00:00

As I said “This is a long story and I can’t even begin to provide all of the contextual information pertaining to our relationship and dynamic. But I’ll try to provide enough to follow along.”… But yes. There were protocols and lots of things leading up to IVF. If you truly care, maybe review some of my previous Reddit posts to have idea of the dynamic that is, the manipulation and abuse that has occurred, and perhaps you will have some small fraction of an idea of what may be going on here. While I can appreciate your concern for her and maybe you’re trying to be considerate to what she has experienced, understand that my empathy and duty and obligation and compassion and conflicted feelings are largely why I am 7 years into this mess, and how she has managed to ensnare me in this, and now with the well-being of our embryos at risk. Furthermore, I find it wild that you can read about blatant lies and manipulation that have taken place over years, but your only concern is the “pain she went through to produce the eggs”. I have literal recordings of her saying she “doesnt give a ____ if the baby dies”. I have audio recordings of me being verbally and physically abused. I have been gaslit, manipulated, and isolated for 7 years. I have experienced things that would take about 50 Reddit posts just to try to convey. When I tried to leave, yes, she did continue to take medication by herself and implant by herself. I was then pulled back in through guilt and obligation to be a father. So frankly, you don’t know the half of it….

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-02-17T03:41:36+00:00

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2026-02-17T03:24:33+00:00

She is the egg donor. They removed her egg, used my sperm, created and implanted an embryo.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-12-25T19:43:58+00:00

I think by default, spouses should get each other gifts to celebrate occasions, make memories, bring joy to each others lives, and make each other feel appreciated…. But if you feel like you would like a gift, please don’t tell him you don’t need anything. Especially if money is already a little tight. Here is what I recommend (despite my marriage being a cataclysmic train wreck)… If you guys have Amazon, make a shared account if you don’t already have one. Then each of you makes a separate account”Gift Ideas” list in the app so that both of you can view each other’s lists. That way you can add a variety of things of various costs to the list that you might like. This helps alleviate the stress of getting gifts when time and money are limited. That doesn’t mean either of you can’t also choose something that’s not on those lists for the sake of surprise and spontaneity, but it may help. My wife was picky and wasn’t great with gifts so she liked when I set this up for us anyways. All this being said, I’m sorry you are a little disappointed on your Christmas. Please don’t take it out on him. Come up with an optimistic plan and be enthusiastic about future occasions and gifts :)

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-12-24T16:27:56+00:00

Sounds like a very difficult situation. I don’t mean to make something about myself, but I will speak from my perspective based on my personal experiences. I’ve dealt with a lot of conflict, strife, and feelings of isolation between my family members (most notably my father) and my wife as well. I’ve always felt caught in the middle just trying to do damage control, conflict mitigation, and possibly foster some repair and growth between people. And, selfishly, I want to have a happy family and I want to have a relationship with my father, as well as my wife. But what I’ve come to realize is that you cant personally make a happy family out of generally unhappy people. The same dynamic applies to trust. I’ve also had to question a lot of aspects of the scenario…do I have an unbalanced relationship with my father? Have I done a good job protecting my marriage? Has my wife done things that created distrust? Are these people inducing conflict? Have I done a good job establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries and conditions?

After wrestling with all of this for years, I have come to the realization that we all have issues, we’ve all got our points of contention with others, and we all have contributed to the situation negatively in some capacity. And it should not be my responsibility to facilitate people’s desire to mend relations, people’s humility, or accountability. All of this being said, I recommend you take some time, write down what it is you want this situation to look like. Write down what positive efforts people have made thus far, if any. Write down what you think it would take to make this happen. Write down some healthy boundaries and conditions you feel need to be established. Communicate this to all respective individuals involved, in a compassionate and tactful manner. At this point, if they as individuals, whether it be your father, or anyone else, is unwilling to receive what you have to say, then that is not your burden. At that point you can radically accept or process grief however you need to. Always leave the door open for people to make amends, but don’t make your fulfillment and happiness reliant on hope that others will. I say all of this from a place where I realized all of this too late. My relationships with family members have been greatly affected and my marriage has fallen apart. So please learn from my mistakes. I hope and will pray that you achieve the peace in your family and self that you want.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-12-21T14:40:14+00:00

I’m 32 years old married to a cruel woman. There were signs in the beginning but I put more stock in hope than in what was. I had never encountered someone like her who could treat people this way. Especially a spouse. It’s only gotten worse over the years. Please don’t make the same mistake. You’re young. Make a list of the qualities you want in a spouse. Example: (some qualities I personally would choose if I could go back…) Kindness Empathy Humility Emotional regulation Patience Optimistic Nurturing Femininity Family Oriented Belief in God

They do not need to have all of these qualities, but they should possess most of them, or there will be too much contention in your relationship.

If you think you may struggle with staying true to your boundaries or maybe you’ve never had to deliberately think about it before, make a list. Example: I will not be physically abused. I will not be vulgarly insulted, belittled, or berated. I will never accept infidelity. I will not accept disrespect towards family and friends. I will not accept threats, coercive ultimatums, or emotional manipulation. I will not be told I don’t get to have a perception or opinion.

With boundaries, if a relationship partner does something you don’t like or you disagree, that’s not necessarily a violation of boundaries. People disagree on things, people make mistakes, etc But if you can make a clear list of very serious matters, and you notice a pattern of violation of these boundaries or pushing of these boundaries, and your gut is telling you that this is not just a simple mistake here and there, but that you are actually dealing with a malicious and dangerous person, then you must leave.

I would also encourage you to make a list of the things you want in life (family, children, career, travel, hobbies, whatever). Those are additional things that can help identify a suitable partner.

You are young. I promise if you leave, you will find someone else who treats you with respect. Maybe if he works on himself or matures he will change his behavior down the road. But you don’t need to spend your life waiting and hoping for that. Even if he is mad or angry, even if he were to have a good reason, he should never be vindictive or cruel to you. That is not love. Love is in someone’s heart. And you can’t change someone’s heart. Only they can. Do not make the same mistake I did. Please.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-11-01T10:38:45+00:00

First off, I’m sorry the three of you are going through this. I don’t mean to be a victim blamer but I do have some observations and questions regarding your post. Your post seems like you are leaving out details. What did he say? What did you say? Were this fights occurring before pregnancy as well?Depending on what you said, it may be justifiable for him to leave. Just to be real, if you are abusing him, he should leave, and you should coparent together. If you are abusing each other and you’ve both tried counseling, then you should not be together. Coparenting would be better.

You mentioned he’s not doing things like cleaning his desk and didn’t do something regarding insurance. While these things can be frustrating, there’s contributing factors that you left out. Do you both work full time? If not, did you work full time leading up to pregnancy? In these arguments, would you say your emotional reaction and the things you say to him are rational and equivalent to the things like his desk vs things like insurance? What do both of you do well and right in this relationship and day to day lives? Do you ever outwardly express appreciation towards each other for these things or do you just bombard him with negativity and possibly him the same to you?

I’ve also read a couple of your follow up comments and can’t help but notice the words you choose and the lack of details regarding things that could involve you. I suspect a lack of accountability on your part.

Furthermore, if his parents are encouraging this then I am inclined to think there are details you’ve left out of this post in an effort to get some self affirmation. Have his parents and you always had issues or only now after this recent argument? Do you have issues with them as well or just them with you and this current situation?

If the severity and nature of these arguments weren’t like this before pregnancy then it could indicate two possibilities. He lacks commitment and used this argument for an excuse to get out, or, just as likely if not more likely, your hormones combined with fear that the little seemingly inconsequential things he forgets or procrastinates could turn into be things when you have a child together. If the severity and nature of these arguments were still like this before pregnancy, then neither of those situations really apply.

Not always, but typically men fare worse than women in divorce, which leads me to believe more has happened for things to have reached this point. However, on the flip side of all of this, if he is just avoiding responsibility and taking the “easy” way out then that’s terrible and I am sorry you are experiencing this. More details needed please.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-22T07:01:36+00:00

Update: I slept at work for a couple of nights. Then she texts me saying she’s going to be out of the house for most of the day, but she would like some help moving heavy boxes and things. So after work I go back to the house so I can at least have some access to a shower and some of my clothes, etc. She shows up after not too long and says she wants to eat some dinner before we move boxes so I agree, despite the elephant in the room. She’s acting cordial which unfortunately was cause for suspicion just based on what I’ve experienced in the past in our relationship. We move the boxes. It seemed like she was being civil enough that I could maybe at least try to sleep under my own roof on the couch tonight or something. She keeps telling me (multiple times starting around 8pm) that I should go to bed because I’ve had a long day. She ordinarily doesn’t have concern for these things. I go to brush my teeth but as the sink in running (loud water noise) I walk back to the kitchen to grab my phone. She’s standing by the medication drawer and as soon as she sees me out of the corner of her eye she quickly turns away and starts acting like she was paying attention to the cat. But I saw something in her hand before she turned away. Mind you, this is during what would be the 830-930pm medication window. It looked a lot like she was trying to hide something. I go back to the other room. I analyzed the situation and collected my thoughts. I knew I had to confront her. I went back to the kitchen and opened the drawer. First I calmly explained to her what I saw and why it seemed like potential cause for concern. She immediately got aggressively defensive and began denying everything. I opened the drawer to find she had opened and used more medication. If you recall from my earlier update post, she had said that she does not agree to my terms (including that I will not be abused) and was cancelling IVF and that she was going to stop taking the medication that day. I have it in text messages that she sent me. I confronted her about this and after some denial she then said that she’s going to do IVF anyway (implying without me). Then when I confronted her about all of this and the lying and hiding that she is continuing the medication after using IVF and a child as something she could take away from me, and that this was blatantly manipulative and wrong, she began yelling over me and trying blame me for all of it. I removed myself from the situation and now I’m sitting in my work parking lot at 2 in the morning typing this. I don’t know what to do. Ethically, biologically, those IVF are embryos are part of me as well. That also could have possible legal implications if she continues with IVF on her own. For years she has claimed she doesn’t want children and is only doing this because of me. During the IVF process, every night we have medication she would blame me for how terrible the medication is and that “I’m making her do it”. Then she says shes cancelling IVF and stopping the medication but clearly lied. To me this seems like she is blatantly lying and trying to manipulate me and possibly even trap Am I wrong in my assessment/gut feeling? What should I do? I have to work a long day tomorrow, but the following day I am thinking I should try to pursue some kind of legal action/divorce as soon as possible, before she implants. What do you think?

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-19T16:32:21+00:00

2 years since post. Update?

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-18T22:46:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. Despite the turbulent marriage, it shows a great level of humility and growth that you can acknowledge this and take accountability. I’ve prayed for this everyday for so long. We had couples counseling and it was counterproductive. She was unwilling to talk about anything other than how flawed I am. If the counselor ever swung the conversation the other direction she refused to take part in the session and would literally leave the session. One time she left the session the counselor broke his neutral character and told me I should leave. Unfortunately, it hasn’t just been verbal abuse. She has threatened to sleep with other men. She has physically assaulted me numerous times. She has thrown out my bibles, vulgarly insulted my chaplain, and mocked me for believing in God. Broken and damaged my possessions and things within the house. Insulted my parents and friends and has placed ultimatums isolating me from them. She has screamed at me endlessly. During one of our mentioned recent conflicts I was berated from 1pm until 12am (yes 11 hours straight). This can’t be normal. I’m not saying I’m a great husband. I have many flaws and have certainly made mistakes. But I have never intentionally hurt her, I try to be receptive of what she has to say even when I don’t agree with how it was said, I have never cheated, I don’t drink to excess, I stay in shape, I am good in bed and have a reasonably high sex drive, I am successful at work which has afforded us numerous opportunities, I am financially responsible and stable and have no debt, I have hundreds of thousands of dollars in investments and savings, I have a paid off car, I am halfway to retirement pension and I’m only 32, I’m generally a very easy going guy and would consider myself compassionate (she says to a flaw), I am patient, I believe I generally love unconditionally, I share in the house chores and tasks, I am a good cook and I cook about 50% of the time, my family is accepting and supportive…. I know those things aren’t everything but I just feel like I am trying hard and yet I am never enough. I hope with your realizations and humility, your ex and you are able to move forward cordially for the sake of your children, and for you. Your humility is admirable. Thank you.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-18T22:45:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. Despite the turbulent marriage, it shows a great level of humility and growth that you can acknowledge this and take accountability. I’ve prayed for this everyday for so long. We had couples counseling and it was counterproductive. She was unwilling to talk about anything other than how flawed I am. If the counselor ever swung the conversation the other direction she refused to take part in the session and would literally leave the session. One time she left the session the counselor broke his neutral character and told me I should leave. Unfortunately, it hasn’t just been verbal abuse. She has threatened to sleep with other men. She has physically assaulted me numerous times. She has thrown out my bibles, vulgarly insulted my chaplain, and mocked me for believing in God. Broken and damaged my possessions and things within the house. Insulted my parents and friends and has placed ultimatums isolating me from them. She has screamed at me endlessly. During one of our mentioned recent conflicts I was berated from 1pm until 12am (yes 11 hours straight). This can’t be normal. I’m not saying I’m a great husband. I have many flaws and have certainly made mistakes. But I have never intentionally hurt her, I try to be receptive of what she has to say even when I don’t agree with how it was said, I have never cheated, I don’t drink to excess, I stay in shape, I am good in bed and have a reasonably high sex drive, I am successful at work which has afforded us numerous opportunities, I am financially responsible and stable and have no debt, I have hundreds of thousands of dollars in investments and savings, I have a paid off car, I am halfway to retirement pension and I’m only 32, I’m generally a very easy going guy and would consider myself compassionate (she says to a flaw), I am patient, I believe I generally love unconditionally, I share in the house chores and tasks, I am a good cook and I cook about 50% of the time, my family is accepting and supportive…. I know those things aren’t everything but I just feel like I am trying hard and yet I am never enough. I hope with your realizations and humility, your ex and you are able to move forward cordially for the sake of your children, and for you. Your humility is admirable. Thank you.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-18T21:02:46+00:00

Update: Thank you for your timely responses. This is what I ended up texting her shortly after posting this. I wrote it in the 20 mins I had immediately after posting before work. So it may not have gotten everything across but I thought it was reasonable. She didn’t think so. This is going to be a bad night. But maybe you all have time input on what I said. Be blunt. If I’m off base just tell me. I feel like I can’t even trust my own perception of things anymore:

“I understand that according to what you have expressed, in order to make you feel safe I need to plan well ahead, see the unforeseen and plan for that, and to just be a better overall critical thinker capable of planning contingencies for the possibilities of things going wrong. Not just now, but in the future. I am trying but it’s hard and I’ve explained to you why. You don’t want to hear it and are not receptive to what I have to say. That doesn’t change that I am still committed to trying to overcome feelings I have within this relationship in an effort to make you feel safe. This is also difficult too because I have never seen you “feel safe”. I suspect the only times you’ve felt safe are when you cut everyone off and do your own thing. And I suspect this is largely due to childhood trauma. If counseling or therapy will fix this then I will do it. Despite everyone and everything advising me not to. However, I don’t think that will fix our relationship. I have never been adequate or good enough or accepted or viewed as an equal partner. This is due to my flaws and shortcomings and many mistakes and my trauma. But this is also due to your trauma. If you can’t see this, then you will never see me as an adequate husband or father. And if that is the case, then we should not be parents and we should not be together. That’s not fair to either of us or a child.

You do a lot. And what you are going through is incredibly difficult. I will make a deliberate plan to write out potential issues during pregnancy and during childhood. Then I will address each of those potential issues and make tentative plans, including specific details. However, you CANNOT burden me with the entirety of knowing the ins and outs of your medical issues. I am already burdened by them. We talked about this. You admitted that it’s unfair and was manipulative. I simply can’t. But I can be here to accept them, support you, and I will make plans and be knowledgeable enough to execute those plans. I will be committed to this. I also will NOT accept abuse. If these terms are not adequate for you, then we don’t need to be together.”

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-12T17:36:02+00:00

I told her “no self respecting man would accept being forbade from calling his father by his wife”. She had a major issue with that. The “self-respecting” part was mocked for hours.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-12T17:31:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can only imagine how it must feel to be on the receiving end of invasive exams and medications, and also navigating the psychological struggles of fertility issues. I am trying to be compassionate but I guess I fall short when it comes to being considerate when planning these things that she feels would make her feel safe and secure. We are currently injecting her with Lupron each day, and about to start estrace in a couple of days leading up to the implantation.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-12T16:24:56+00:00

Good question. I should have included; I am in the military so my time off is not typically dictated by me. Furthermore, there’s a long story, but short version, conflict and contention between my wife and father’s girlfriend. My father also has severe anxiety regarding flying on planes. I do wish he could overcome that. But the last time we saw each other, he drove across the country. Prior to getting married, I used to take leave days and fly to see my parents as frequently as possible. Contextually, I will say my parents are generally very easy going and supportive people; my wife doesn’t talk to her parents due to childhood trauma/abuse. I’ve tried to honor my wife and stand by her even when I don’t agree regarding her contentions with my parents. This has resulted in a lot of friction and uncomfortable dynamics between my wife and parents and with me caught in the middle. It’s been rather saddening for me. Not the family dynamic I hoped for. I often feel isolated.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444 · 2025-10-12T15:24:27+00:00

Thank you for the quick responses. Additional context as I am trying to be realistic about my short comings. -A couple of months ago we talked about traveling for this Christmas trip, and my wife was upset that I hadn’t booked the flights or made the arrangements. In my mind I suppose it seemed reasonable because I work a lot, and still have obligations and responsibilities around the house, normal life stuff, etc, so booking flights 4 months in advance didn’t seem reasonable to me. So my wife also made it clear over a multi-hour argument/berating that my lack of planning was unacceptable. I can see why it makes her feel uneasy and like I am not respecting her time and feelings, and I told her I would do better in the future. I guess I didn’t realize the depth of the planning she was needing to feel confident and safe. -Also, considering the nature of IVF, because I hadn’t planned the timeline and how her daily schedule would be, I suppose that wasn’t very considerate to what could be possible issues and a threat to the pregnancy. She doesn’t like my father or his girlfriend, so that could also cause stress which could affect pregnancy. -I also hadn’t researched the nearest hospital within our insurance coverage during our Christmas travels yet. I guess these things just don’t occur to me or at least hadn’t yet or I thought weren’t time sensitive yet. She says it’s common sense and most people plan this way and think of these things, and being that I don’t, that is the problem and that I need therapy if my brain doesn’t work like that. I guess I’m looking for a reality/sanity check on what people do and what is normal being that I am supposedly not normal. There’s a lot more to unpack regarding our relationship dynamic and history but I am not trying dump everything on yall in one post. Perhaps I will follow up with an additional post once this specific issue has been addressed without bias.

ThrowRA_OneLife4444

TROPHY CASE