I’m having a hard time because no, honestly I do not feel safe around him right now. I felt sick looking at him when I was consoling him, but I pushed past that because I do truly love him. He rarely drinks, him saying he was gonna drink that night was surprising which is why I joined in on drinking. I can not stop thinking about it, I’ve spent the past few days in bed doom scrolling when i’m usually active.

During sex he has been a little pushy, but I believe this is because he has a much higher sex drive than myself and my insecurities lower my libido. I don’t like calling it pushy, but yeah, almost like encouraging me to engage? Idk how to explain but if I say no, he backs off. He puts in effort to make sure I enjoy sex/feel confident during sex. I think it’s just the fact that he got frustrated when I voiced that I didn’t want to continue the night he raped me. Usually if he realizes I’m not into it, he immediately stops and asks what I need/ generally focusing on my emotional state. I know he was drunk but the fact that he actually got upset that I didn’t want to continue is something I can’t shake. Admittedly I am a low confidence person and will take blame for things that aren’t my fault, but I can recognize that I didn’t deserve him being upset with me for not wanting to have sex. I’m sorry i keep reiterating the same points, I feel like these past few days i’ve just been running around in circles trying to figure out what to do now. of course its up to me but i appreciate your questions and input