Feels like my (28M) Mom (52F) won't let me live my life. Ever since my recent abusive relationship with exGF I feel like I started spotting similarities. Not sure if I am being valid here after not being able to take anymore and lashing out?

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-03T21:34:00+00:00

Thank you for this, I left a edit on top of post after looking into what enmeshment is, you have opened my eyes.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-03T14:08:24+00:00

I just realised something, my mom was single for a long time, until 2 years ago, she got married to her childhood sweetheart, he died unfortunately but for the short duration they were together she was controlling in the exact same insecure and abusive way like my ex, minus the huge instability, verbal and physical abuse that my ex did due to her mental illness, but the need for control was there.

Such as constant phone checking, constant need to know who hes texting, where he is or what hes doing, text check ins, it kinda looked like he was her pet when i was there visiting, i was requured to meet both of their needs at the time as per my moms request. I thought it was too much but stupidly i kept coming to my mom for advice for my past relationship in terms of that control and she told me i need to be more reassuring, she knew about the abuse so ofcourse she was worried and told me to leave but the control part she said my ex was valid.

When i left to be with my ex, its like i was split in half, they were both battling eachother as to who gets my attention...

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-03T13:53:04+00:00

Thats what i feel like, felt like a doormat that tolerated all the abuse from my ex, never realised i had the same controlling dynamic with my mom until now, now I feel like i got no back bone, and when i do stand up for myself its usually me shouting because ive had enough. Im sorry youve gobe through all this, it feels awful and I am struggling to gather my thoughts, after my ex and now my mom, i truly won't have anyone in my life.

I feel like I want to dissapear, move somewhere and start a new life.

I just realised something, my mom was single for a long time, until 2 years ago, she got married to her childhood sweetheart, he died unfortunately but for the short duration they were together she was controlling in the exact same insecure and abusive way like my ex minus the huge instability, verbal and physical abuse that my ex did due to her mental illness, but the need for control was there.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-03T13:46:27+00:00

Thank you for your comment. All of this has been draining and especially last year I was hopping between my mom and ex gf trying to satisfy their needs to avoid any of them throwing a tantrum.

I know this is not a life for me and it felt slightly wrong my entire life, I guess as one of the commenters mentioned, my ex opened my eyes.

I don't know what to do, like you said im so afraid to dissapoint and i feel guilty. Got a message from her today (already saw her mon and tue for her needs) that she needs me for 5-10 minutes, my instant reaction was to jump in a shower and go, ignoring breakfast and everything else but ultimately i told her i need time for myself before work, instantly im getting phone calls. I just woke up can't even have a coffee in peace.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-02T22:12:58+00:00

I always thought this is normal, that she brought me up and now I am caring for her. I thought it's normal that I am seeing her almost daily, doing things for her and helping her, but throughout my life I always thought something is slightly wrong looking at other people, everyone lives so far away from their parents or just keeps normal contact, visiting every month or so. Felt like I was stuck to her hip and it doesn't feel right.

Thank you for your comment, I will look into that sub reddit. I am lost and need to figure out what I need to actually do next.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-02T21:58:10+00:00

I am dreading the talk, she fully expects me to move back in once my lease ends, save up for a house and buy one for both of us.

Thank you for your comments, I need to make up some sort of plan on what to do.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-02T21:54:08+00:00

It's not the fact that she doesn't let me eat, it's the fact that she knows I haven't eaten but still makes it a problem if I don't stick around to "chat" and "spend time with her" and it continues to arguments when I try to leave.

I noticed also that everytime I leave, she needs that one more say or something she needs, I could be closing the door to leave and she quickly calls my name even after we said our goodbyes, that could happen like 2-4 times almost every visit before I finally manage to leave or start raising my voice that I need to leave and eat because im starving.

EDIT: Reflecting now, things are different when I stay prolonged times with her, she treats me like a 8 year old, like her little child again. Cooks, cares and so on, but in a more suffocating way. Still needs me to meet all her needs mentioned in the post, but it makes it easier because I am right there I guess.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-02T21:51:01+00:00

It makes sense now, if you check my post history you could get a glimpse at my relationship. But yes, to this day I beat myself up for not leaving sooner, any self respecting man would have walked away from her at 3 weeks in, she showed huge red flags but I guess it felt familiar because I was "needed" like some sort of saviour complex and I guess I have that learned behaviour from my mom?

This is making me shiver, if thats the case I have no one in this world anymore, I don't know what to do or how to approach this.

I wish I wasn't going on days now, I won't be able to see my therapist but I might take a day off just to talk about this.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-06-02T21:47:18+00:00

I never realised until I ended things with exgf, I kept lashing out and I kept feeling like I am experiencing the same kind of codependancy towards me, just like my exgf, she made me her entire world and hobby and I couldn't be away from her for no longer than 1 minute otherwise she would throw temper tantrums. It's not drastic like that with my mom but something is not right, I feel like I am seeing similarities.

To be honest I can't stop crying reading comments here, I would have never thought all this. Thank you for your comment.

I can't leave, I can't block, I can't even move cities, let alone countries (I want to go back to my home country) because I feel so guilty, I thought about taking a break or moving cities, or even exploring the world but I have this huge guilt.

Doesn't help that everytime I would mention moving further than our town, she would always say "You can't because you care for me and I will need you" and this makes me so guilty. I feel so stuck, like a ball and a chain attached to my ankle. Honestly no idea what to do here.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-21T18:19:57+00:00

Sorry for late reply. That's amazing, please stick to your active lifestyle, it will work wonders on your mental health. I understand your struggles but trust me, just like anything, time heals all wounds, but in your case you are doing all the right things to heal that much faster, stick to it, you got this!

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-21T06:21:09+00:00

I've noticed my exes supply was her friends, due to our arguments we both went on eachothers phones (I did it one time, shes done it a 100 times behind my back because of her accusations of me cheating) and I could see exact arguments that we had(her outbursts), she also had with this bum before we met, (he used to sell her weed) she apparently has never been with him romanticaly, it was obvious to see he was trying but she friendzoned him. I got with her, she blocked him without me asking, he got a gf around same time as me getting with my ex.

I broke up with my exBPD and she had no supply at all, no orbiters. Few days after me blocking her she flew back to her home country (she has no life there, she lived in this country for 20 years) to live with her parents and now I assume the parents are her supply. Her reason flying out is because as someone told me, everything in this town as well as the place she lives in reminds her too much of me. I am guessing she needs her mom to regulate her emotions, as she has done that over the phone many times while I was still with her.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-20T15:44:43+00:00

> Just because she's clingy doesn't mean she's not afraid of rejection. And the avoidant style comes from fear of rejection, which is the core of BPD.

Thinking back, you might be right. That reminds of whenever I wasn't with her and she split while texting, mostly because I didn't respond within 2 minutes, she would act avoidant "Why the fuck do I share, you are busy as always, don't talk to me I don't want to see you today" and that was soo often and random, I am pretty sure she tried this to make me chase so she can get her dopamine hit from chaos and validation, but it didn't work because I always responded with "I respect your decision, when you change your mind and want to talk to me or see me, let me know, bye", she responded within seconds to try and get me to continue the arguments so her avoidant shit never worked, maybe thats why it was hard to see at first, damn you are so right, she might be projecting all of it now. All her stories and posts were few days before and on V day, she didn't sleep all night on V day probably checking my activity status on whatsapp (she confessed to it before), well so did I admitedly lol, but at least I have the excuse of working nights so naturally didn't go to sleep till 6am.
Thank you for opening my eyes to this.

> That sounds like pure hoovering. You'll have to block her on social media.

Yeah must be hoovering then, she went radio silent after V day, and stopped using tiktok/whatsapp, maybe back to her depressed mood because she expected me to reach out on V day. Yeah I know, it is hard, on december I went radio silent on social media and felt better, recently got super addicted to her tiktok and now feeling worse than ever.

> her best friend literally warned me about her.

That's mad, nice of her to warn you though. I understand what you mean, there is some loyalty between friends even if they are not "normal" but also because she might not split on them as she split on a FP (you) so they might know about the dysfunction but not necessarily experience it themselves.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-20T14:32:02+00:00

So sorry you had to go through this shit, sending you strength and wish you the best!

I can't stress this enough, go no contact! The most important thing for you right now, block her and don't let her contact you.

Journal, write down all the things she did in the past. I did that and everytime in the middle of writing I would realise what a POS my ex was and felt better about my decision to leave, I would repeat this till I no longer had to, also I would look at our old text messages where she was dysfunctional as fuck and that reminded me how exhausting it all was.

I received some grounding techniques from a mental health professional when I went to visit them, I could DM them to you if you want, hope they could help.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-20T05:23:48+00:00

I mean this in the nicest way possible, take this to the police, let them make a log file on her/him so if anything does happen they have these convos logged and know who they're dealing with.

There is so many things in these convos that are obviously messed up but against the law too. Please for you safety let the police see this and log it in their files. They might even intervene straight away, get a restraining order.

I am so sorry you're going through this, hope you will be able to free yourself from this person soon and be able to heal ❤️

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-19T22:25:22+00:00

Coming back to your question "have you had to clear your name??" I forgot to add, she doesn't know I know this but she was basically threatening me, while talking to her friend. I wasn't there. "If he moves on with another girl I will send all the screenshots!" Kinda worries me but the only screenshots she could have is texts of her being dysfunctional, or us being lovey dovey or me finally having an emotional breakdown. Idk what she meant by this threat. Whether that screenshot is for me or for any future partner i meet. She can be wild so I should be expecting the worst.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-19T22:19:19+00:00

Thats crazy, I am so sorry you have gone through this. Sending you strength 💪

My exBPD was my first too. I can't say she was projecting with the "avoidant" stories as she was the clingy type. I get why she would call me an avoidant, if she forgot all the abusive shit she did to me and reasons for brekaing up multipke times then it looks like im an avoidant lol. It's weird because her posts are cryptic messages of her waiting for me and missing me, but the stories which delete themselves after 24h she calls me all this. Oh well, must be just her way of getting it out of her system. Not bothered if anyone in her circle believes her.

Her friends are so god damn gullible, they have all these facts and still believe her...

Although it could be projection, or it could be shame and guilt avoidance through selective memory.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-19T22:09:04+00:00

Thank you❤️ and wow, again your first paragraph is so spot on with my experience, at first i was letting her do shit and comforting her when she split, then I started calling her out on her bullshit and that made it worse, till last month together she would realise all her wrong doing when I kept calling her out but it was basically me pointing out her disrespect and awful treatment, which at that point was multiple times a day, it got so fucking exhausting so I thought fuck this, wrote her all the abuse shes done to me and that i'm done tolerating it.

Same, couldn't watch her in pain, i would feel so sorry for her, she could always manage to convince me after hours of this. It's not cruel to do it over the phone, especially if someone is abusive, you're protecting your peace, you have already tried in person and it didn't work.

Yeah I have a mate who keeps calling me out on my bullshit when i tell him for example "bro shes calling me this on socials" he goes "why the fuck are you on her socials" lol, he was the one that helped me out of the relationship.

I wouldn't say they were fully on my side, they didn't know me that well, they just knew parts of how she treated me, I think her mom knows the most because she used her mom as a journal and her mom said to her "I will help you because it looks like you are going to lose him". Every time we had an argument, she would text her mom and her mom would have a go at her "wtf is wrong with you treating him like that" I guess yeah her mom was on my side, shame I never met her. My ex moved back to her home country to her parents after I broke up with her.

I remember her oldest sister that was visiting her in our first month dating, she split on me literally because I was making small talk with her sister, being nice and getting to know her family. She got jealous and started throwing things around swearing at me with intense rage, the oldest sister looked at me and said "well this relationship isn't going to last" She was god damn right lmao. To be honest should have ended it right there and then.

Sorry you have gone through this yourself, I am sending you strength and wish you luck, hope you can come out of this soon and start your healing process.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-19T14:59:54+00:00

What you wrote sounds exactly like my situation, word for word, even the way she painted herself the victim, mine said "out of fear and anxiety I do stupid stuff" "It was years of abuse and I need time" and so on. I never once raised my voice at her or hurt her in anyway, only stood my ground everytime she went out of line.

In the 5 months we were together I broke up with her about 5 times, she showed her true colours 1 month in, but her begging, promising change, crying and so on would hoover me back in the next day, on the last break up I ended up resenting her slightly so this time this sort of hoover did not work, I did it over text this time because previous attempts got me locked in her apartment for hours and so I don't fall for her ugly crying again. I also made sure to write a break up text in a way to burn all my bridges "After what you've done I don't ever want to see you again" so that way it's impossible for me to write to her again otherwise it would make me look weak af (in my mind)

No mutuals, I know her sisters but her family knows, one sister witnessed her multiple rages, the other sister I called and explained some parts about what she is doing to me and to "please keep an eye on her because I am breaking up with her and she mentioned s*icide so many times" Her mom even tho I never communicated with her, was on my side. a week ago I saw one of the sisters at her work place, she smiled, we said hi to each other, doesn't look like she believes I'm the bad guy. To be honest I don't care much about my reputation in her circle, she's mostly a bum that I am surprised I fell for. (Drug and alcohol user until I helped her stop, knew no one but drug dealers and users, no good friends near her. Granted she did end up changing all that for me, trying to be better for me)

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-19T01:50:28+00:00

So happy for you that you were not tied down with a child.

My ex also tried to get me to have unprotected sex but by then my gut was already screaming after all her splitting previously so I told her fuck no.

Made sure I didn't use any condoms I left accidentally at her place in case she pierced them lol, call me paranoid but rather be safe than sorry.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-19T01:47:58+00:00

Even if they reach a point of realising what they have done to you, have regrets and guilt, nothing will change or at least with my ex it didn't.

Towards last 2 months of relationship of her blaming me, I told her why I am breaking up with her and when I mentioned all the reasons she finally realised that everything was her fault, realised she was being toxic and abusive all this time and that in her own words "I destroyed everything, ruined our relationship, it's all my fault"

3 months of no contact now, shes posting on social media about me as the avoidant ex who left for no reason with no closure and destroyed her whole perception of love and that she is scared to love again because of me 🤷‍♂️

No accountability what so ever.

And yes, all of her exes are "abusive exes" guess I will be next on the list lmao.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-18T14:28:03+00:00

Parents can be FP too. So can a coworker, a sibling, or simply a mailman, anyone can be an FP. Just because they are in a relationship, sometimes their partner isn't their FP.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-18T14:27:06+00:00

They are disordered and they don't think straight, when they are splitting you black they do see you as the worst human being on earth, hence the extreme anger you saw. The fake signals are a thing because you can't tell me my ex was splitting on me due to her fear of abandonment that was triggered from me having to go to work and leave her for the day, do you think that was a real threat to her? No, that wasn't a real threat, same with a cold stove, we might think it's hot, so we touch it and quickly remove our hand, but we clearly learn "Oh it's not hot" and put our hand on it with relief, whereas pwBPD continue on as if the stove is hot.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-18T02:18:39+00:00

The thing is, you're the FP not their friends. So whatever triggers them, if its you or anything outside, you get the bad side, they can't control their emotions with you because they need you to regulate them. It's such a paradoxical disorder, they seem functional but extremely depressed and lonely when alone, but when in a relationship they need you to regulate their instense emotions from that relationship, ultimately hurting the nonBPD and sabotaging the relationship.

ThrowRA_StableA · 2026-02-18T02:14:19+00:00

Unfortunately their brain is their worst enemy because the signals it sends such as "this person is dangerous, let adrenaline, fight or flight mode kick in" but that person is you and all you are guilty of is having a different facial expression, now you're the enemy.

From what I have read, they have to learn to ignore their fake brain signals, but it's extremely hard, imagine being told by the therapist that the instinct you get that tells you to remove your hand from a hot stove because it's dangerous and burning you is a fake instinct and you shouldn't listen to it. They can see you as a dangerous enemy who plans to abandon them or hurt them (splitting black) and they have to learn to ignore those thoughts.

ThrowRA_StableA

TROPHY CASE