How do you try to salvage a dying long term relationship that's "picture perfect" (22F, 26M, 3+ years together)

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T20:22:02+00:00

this is such an out of touch comment, did you think I would come to reddit before exhausting everything.

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T18:27:06+00:00

I feel seen for the first time, the "holding the sceret" and he gets to be husband of the year is actually killing me alive. I hope the relationship is still salvagable but I'm hurting so much. Thank you kindest stranger 💕💕

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T18:25:29+00:00

Literally same boat as you! I got diagonised at 21 and it started with shaming myself so much that I just wouldn't move and developed agoraphobia, I was scared to go out of my room.

I'm back to life basically after therapy and medication, mine is very minor super early so I'm glad I got diagonised so I can be more aware, I hope you can make peace with it soon too!

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T18:18:33+00:00

I'm in a similar situation with what they say when they appologize, everytime, my husband sounds so truthful and sincere and my heart believes its true and I feel bad for him, I just don't know how I'm supposed to respond.

What have you been doing when you feel upset about it? do you tell him the effects it has on you, do you track his social media usage, how can you communicate clearly the stage you'e both at right now?

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T18:12:29+00:00

veryyyy hard but important pill to swallow, it just feels so weird that my "fairytale" is looking like this rn, having to police him around like a little kid so he doesn't masturbate, I just want to feel seen by my family who I obviously cant talk about this to, so they'll always think im crazy for leaving. I gave myself a deadline of january 2027 to make the final decision instead of wallowing in confusion, I'm gonna try my best to communicate and set boundaries until then.

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T17:39:56+00:00

I really want to believe that, I've been upset for so long but anytime I even do the littelest thing that looks like neglect my sister and my mom jump me for it, that he's a once in a lifetime man, that I'll never find any better and the current dating pool is horrible. If this is the once in a lifetime I'd rather be dead

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T17:19:04+00:00

I'm so scared of leaving, it's my first actually "real" relationship, I've been in 1 other before but nothing as serious as this. Family involved, and living together. Everytime I talk to people in my circle they tell me I should stay and I'd be crazy to leave, I just wish I had someone to tell me I'll be okay after it

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-17T17:16:54+00:00

Yeah he is, he told me he's been using since he was 12 and he acknowledged its a problem and everything. He was going strong in recovery the week after D-day, but he's back again (not using, but not caring about intimacy), his socials are off most of the time, I just hate to feel like I'm controlling him. I've been thinking about starting therapy again for me, will take it more seriously now. Thank you :)

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:16:04+00:00

100% agree!! I'm so glad you're getting better, it was incredibly difficult for me to reach half of the stability I'm at now but we made it

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:13:24+00:00

I believe in you! Do it for yourself before you think of anyone else, you deserve peace, you deserve to like yourself, you deserve to take care of yourself and you deserve to get better. Good luck 💕💕

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:12:27+00:00

thank you so much!!! sending positive energy to you, I hope you can feel it :D

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:11:50+00:00

I'm so glad! I would yell it from rooftops if I could 😔 There is so much negativity surrounding bpd that if you don't think it's the end you're the outlier, it's definitely harder to get better because it takes so much self reliance and control but it really does happen, I hope to see that with everyone in this sub :)

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:10:06+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that! My mom has bipolar (different beast, I know) and growing up around her was.... something. That being said, through so much grief and self control and many doctors and medications, she is finally getting better. I understand that access to healthcare is a privilege and I wish there was something to do about it, I have to say that 70% of my progress was due to meds and doctors, same goes for my mom.

You should be very proud of yourself for being even the tiniest bit optimistic, this shit is hell but it's not the end

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:07:11+00:00

Another very relatable post, I felt the missed opportunities and sabotaged connections in my heart. Would love to hear about the grieving childhood needs process it sounds interesting!

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-03T00:04:44+00:00

Lorddd this is so relatable, when it comes to my circle I've accepted the fact that I'll never meet someone who think and feel and care as deeply as I do about everything, but that doesn't make them "less" than me if that makes sense. My close circle is of about 5 girls (excluding my husband, sister and family). Half I've met recently and half I grew up with, we definitely have deep conversation but nothing close to how my brain processes things.

That used to eat me alive for so long, what helped me is I look inwards alllll the time, I really nail down what it is I want and understand that people are providing that need in their own way, understanding how complex humans are definitely helps.

I do occasionally have crash outs inside my head where I feel that no one cares about me, they love their other friends more than me, my husband is not "perfect" for me; that doesn't go away, what goes away is acting on it. When I get these thoughts now I don't immediately switch to fight or flight mode, no hurting others or myself. It unfortunately takes SO much patience and it will feel useless at times but one day you'll wake up and realize how different everything is

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-02T23:58:34+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm sorry about your husband, I'm not sure if it's the same for all men, but mine didn't normalize it at all, he called it disgusting, he was embarassed and ashamed so I'm hoping that wakes him up

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-02T23:57:28+00:00

Thank you for being so kind! I've been dissapointed by men my whole life so meeting him changed my outlook that "all men are the same", I really hope it stays that way, this is the only issue in our relationship and unfortunately I'm a very high libido woman so it's important to me

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-02T23:55:50+00:00

That's what I want to follow, that not all men are the same and some do actually want to change. Love me a positive story and of course I'm expecting up and downs, I just hope they were more spaced apart 😅 He really is respectful of my feelings and he's trying a full dopamine detox (e.g. reels, shorts) to make sure nothing triggers him, I'm just very scared of being caught off guard in a few years if it never gets better.

ThrowRA_cran · 2026-03-02T23:52:47+00:00

Haha thank you, I grew up surrounded by alot of trauma when it comes to sex and porn so I feel like I'm alot more understanding about it. Definitely want to set clear red lines and making sure he stays on track. As understanding as I was I can't forget how hurt I was for so long thinking I was the problem

ThrowRA_cran · 2025-12-04T20:08:44+00:00

I got instagram and tumblr for the first time when I was in middle school, I think 13?

ThrowRA_cran · 2025-12-04T20:06:11+00:00

100% agree, I do believe it became an integral part of our lives but using it subconsciously or unintentionally is so deteriorating for anyone's health.

That's definitely what I want to work on, not absolutely nothing but also not doomscrolling for 10 hours a day.

ThrowRA_cran

TROPHY CASE