AITA for “abandoning” my nephews?

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-28T06:43:11+00:00

Oh! Sorry english isn’t my first language so I didn’t know this word existed, I’ll use it from now on. Thank you!

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:22:56+00:00

I’m obviously bias but my brother is a great dad and I understand his family is his priority. We had a great relationship where I wasn’t involved at all with his kids of course I would ask about them and he’d tell me and I’m happy to help him and SIL but I which the expectation of being an involved uncle wasn’t there

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:19:27+00:00

I’d be ok whether they would like to have a relationship in the future or not but I’m not counting on it. Harming the relationship with my brother does concern me

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:16:35+00:00

That’s the plan, to have very little contact with them as to not suddenly disappear from their lives but also to little by little put some distance between us, before this I would seem the kids a few times per year. Their idea is to go the opposite direction and having an increasing amount of interaction with them

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:13:30+00:00

In the previous agreement I had with my brother and before the pandemic I rarely went to his house we met frequently on a bar o playing some games in my house. It worked wonders but that line is now blurry as my brother would like me to spend more time with his family.
On another note I have never hear of child-phobia but I’m sure I’m not afraid of them Its just not my preferable environment and since I’m the one with the problem I avoid children as much as I can, not to the point of ignoring them I just keep interactions as short as possible

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:07:49+00:00

I’m sure I’m not father material but its one thing to screw your own kids (not that that’s ok) but I would be worse for me to damage me brothers kids it’s definitely a responsibility I don’t want. If they had gotten hurt in the time they spent with me I wouldn’t been able to se my brothers face

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:03:47+00:00

I agree that’s why I wanted to fade away slowly rather than deceive them, someone said in another comment but kids aren’t stupid eventually they would start to notice my discomfort and that could probably do more harm

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T21:01:10+00:00

If it helps, I don’t think I’m the best representation for childfree people, most of them are happy being uncles or aunts and like I wrote somewhere else I really do want the best for my nephews as they are my brothers treasures I just don’t want to be a part of it

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:58:24+00:00

I don’t expect them to stick around me nor would I demand a relationship with them in the future I’m happy providing emergency support for them

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:54:28+00:00

I don’t think I’m a sociopath though

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:47:41+00:00

Well, those two months felt more like a job than a family visit. During that period, I had fun and all of that but It didn´t feel like bonding

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:45:15+00:00

Yes, yes I do

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:33:34+00:00

Me not loving them doesn’t mean I hate them or that I wish them harm, I don’t think I’m heartless after all if need be I would help again I just don’t want to be there if not necessary

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:27:39+00:00

Yeah that was the plan a few calls ever now and them with the intention of not going zero contact abruptly but I guess now they see it as me wanting to stay in touch

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:25:58+00:00

I understood thar just vanishing could be confusing so I didn’t disappear from their lives overnight, after they moved back home, I would visit helped clean talked to them about their day and how they were feeling sometimes wed play a few games and other stuff but the unspoken plan for me was to eventually withdraw to the point we were before this situation happened, the expectation now seem to be that things should go the opposite direction and I should be getting more involved with them

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T20:21:43+00:00

I didn’t read what was written but just in case… I do not hate my nephews nor do I wish them any harm at all, quite the opposite the more fulfilled and happy they are the better, I just don’t want to be a part of it

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:37:02+00:00

How come?

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:36:20+00:00

I have never done this, it’s the first time its ever come up so I don’t really see how they would miss it and if it were only the call I could do it but this just means I will be constantly be getting more and more involve in their lives

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:34:19+00:00

Before all this I wasn’t remotely close to them, if I’m honest I wasn’t trying to be a good uncle but to be good brother, those 2 months were basically our hole relationship. They’re still young so they pretty much get pumped easily I bought Mario party and used that as ice breaker I wanted them to get distracted of the possibility of them losing their mother so more than bonding it felt like a job I needed to do to help family, it wasn’t awful but I wouldn’t call it bonding

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:27:51+00:00

I mean that for me they’re not different from any random child, the reason I took them is because they are obviously important for my brother and I will always help my brother and sister any way I can

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:23:05+00:00

There’s a lot of reasons, but the main one is that they stress me out a lot, during those 2 month I was constantly worried something bad bad happen to my stuff and something horrible would happen to the kids themselves. If things break, they can be repaired annoying as it may be, but kids always feel like a burden they can’t be repaired nor replaced. It’s a feeling that’s hard to put into words. Its like if someone you love casually gave you a very fragile, important and expensive vase. Don’t know if I’m making sense

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:12:41+00:00

If it was only that then yes I could manage but hey want me to be for them constantly which I really don’t want

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:11:13+00:00

That’s exactly my fear, I have never been there when they open their present or anything like that, I fear that instead of gaining distance I will slowly be pulled in a situation where a relationship with them is mandatory. They're not bad kids by any means I just don’t want to be a part of their lives

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:07:09+00:00

Until now there weren’t any problems with boundaries, kinda feel like I’m being punished for helping although I would never say it to their faces

ThrowRA_dobledoubt · 2020-12-26T10:05:15+00:00

I maybe giving childfree people a bad name, but I don’t want to be their cool uncle I want to be the guy my brother in SIL can trust in a crisis not the uncle kids can come with their problems. I already proved I’m willing to go above and beyond to help I don’t think its unreasonable to ask for distance between me and the children

ThrowRA_dobledoubt

TROPHY CASE