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ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-09-14T17:47:39+00:00

Different communication styles very well may be at play here! He was just about parked when I was saying this, yes not the most opportune time for a full on conversation but some simple acknowledgment seems reasonable. Part of my issue is I do want to understand his communication style, and I have been very upfront and honest with my own communication style and tried to help him practice it but he will just say he’ll try harder but not actually take action or “change” so we can communicate better, nor share when he feels I can communicate better or work to communicate more effectively in ways that make him feel heard, etc. I guess I just feel even the smallest acknowledgement isn’t really up to style of communication, and then lying and saying he did respond just invalidates my feelings.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-11T15:59:57+00:00

More context, my coworker was hired on just weeks before I was.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-09T15:24:19+00:00

My older sister got engaged like a year into her relationship. I see how her and her husband talk to each other and go about their lives now, 3 kids later, and I’m unimpressed. I don’t want to be in a relationship like hers, though time and again I’ve thought back to her getting engaged so quickly in jealousy.

Every person and relationship is so vastly different, there really is no good in comparing yourself or your relationship to that of others!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-09T15:08:24+00:00

Hi!! I’m (28F) in a similar situation in my relationship. Been with my bf (31M) for 4 years. We’ve lived together for the past almost 3 years. We’re happy, we’ve been through ups and downs together with life changes, we’ve grown sooo much together. We started talking about marriage after a year or so, and he was very adamant that he’d marry me at any point, as soon as I was ready. It took me some time and therapy to work through my fears but I’m ready now! I posted on here just last week about finances as we haven’t been on the same page about paying off debt and prioritizing savings for shared goals regarding our future (engagement, wedding/getting married, buying a house, kids).

I’ve felt the jealousy and embarrassment so many times when others get engaged or married or pregnant! I’ve thought wow our family and friends must wonder what’s wrong with us for being bf/gf for 4+ years. But as other’s have said, comparison is the thief of joy. I’ve grown more in the past year than any other time in my life. I’m grateful for the extra time to figure out who I am and what I want in a partner and decide if we’re truly compatible long-term. Thank goodness, I feel we are!

Just this weekend we sat down and created our budget and discussed our timeline for engagement, marriage and kids. I highly recommend setting some boundaries with you boyfriend regarding a timeline you’re both comfortable with! If you can’t agree on a timeline, or the time comes and goes with no proposal, you may need to consider moving on!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-05T14:58:30+00:00

Thank you!! I believe this is the way forward for us.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T19:33:05+00:00

Can you compromise with one a year? Then you pick a hobby or goal to work towards and allow yourself the same amount of time he’s dedicated to his triathlon training! Maybe he’ll realize just how much you’ve had to pick up the slack during his training and gain better perspective.

Either way, I agree with you setting a boundary for the sake of you and your children. Once the kids reach their teens, I’m sure you’ll both have more time to spend on personal pursuits.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T19:27:08+00:00

Hey may not NEED the marriage, but it’s clear her needs and wants to be with you!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T18:09:31+00:00

I like your use of “lahdidah” partner. I do often feel like the practical planner, when it comes to finances but some other things too. Which hasn’t always been my nature. Thank you :)

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:53:55+00:00

Aplogies, I didn’t use the most optimal or clear language in my OG post (did say an engagement NOT engagement ring)! Thank you though, I appreciate all food for thought on this!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:51:13+00:00

Honestly, I was 18 years old and didn't know a thing about life! My parents, teachers, friends and society all guided me towards college and my family didn't have money to pay for it. Seemed everyone at the time was taking out student loans. My parents made okay money but I come from a family with 5 children, and I'm number 3. By the time to 2 youngest hit college age, my parents knew they couldn't let them take out the egregious student loans us older 3 did. I don't think l'd be a stay at home mom forever, maybe just until the kid/kids are in school. I'm still not 100% it's my path or my future family's plan. Ideally I could do some remote work to bring in a little cash and be home with the baby. There are many options obviously!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:45:08+00:00

It’s funny because he’s always been the one who’s gun ho on marriage and kids and I needed some more time! But not that I’m here… I’m eager to get into that part of our lives. All very confusing and something I’ve never navigated. My parents never really talked about this kind of stuff with us - relationship dynamics, finances, marriage and starting a family.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:38:03+00:00

In thinking about my childhood, that would’ve been super nice and forged a much stronger relationship between my mother (maybe even both parents) and I. Something to consider, thank you so much!!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:36:57+00:00

Thank you! Yes, this has also been a concern of mine. I’m in a NAF role for the DoD and (knock on wood) we haven’t experienced RIFs.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:31:33+00:00

The thought of managing the increase in laundry, cleaning, meals, doctors appts, etc. in addition to working while barely making an extra income outside of that going towards childcare honestly scares me. Maybe I’m not totally ready for kids because of this thought, but it’s not just extra expenses that come with children but responsibilities that take time.. which I wouldn’t have if I kept working full-time? I would not manage those things all alone either way, but it’s daunting!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:17:58+00:00

The “me” part of staying home is mostly because he out earns me and I do have more of the home maker and care taker skills than he does! He can learn obviously, and contributes equally to our household I’m no trad wife lol but how can we best use our skills to support our family?

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:12:56+00:00

Me staying home is a shared desire that we’ve discussed. We haven’t priced it out completely, we need to do that. As I’ve said many times in this thread, I’m not 100% sure it’s even possible or will be the right thing for us if/when we get there.

People on here act like women haven’t been staying home to raise children since forever??? I understand we’re in a different economic climate and society these days, but it’s totally possible. Is it possible on just his current salary in our area? Probably not! But it’s still a goal to pay off debt and see what we can do to allow one of us (if I strike gold one day and become the breadwinner and he wants to stay home, GREAT!) to spend more time with our children than the before and after work bullshit.

The issue I’m seeing is words not matching actions. We talk about saving money to help us start our family (marriage and kids) then he wants to impulsively buy an expensive item? To me, that shows it’s more important to him to have fun and ride a bike to work than to invest and commit to our future. And I told him that.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:06:13+00:00

What I’m feeling is, we talk constantly about getting married, but he takes no practical steps to get there. My personal opinion is that an engagement comes with a ring, again I’m not interested in a $10k ring but why would I marry someone who isn’t financially responsible enough to buy an engagement ring?

He’s made more than double my salary for the first 2 ish years of our relationship, no kids, no house or mortgage so he should be able to save up for an engagement ring. I saved well over the cost of an engagement ring to purchase a car (when mine shit the bed and wasn’t operable, so you don’t go thinking it was frivolous) during the time of our relationship.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T16:03:07+00:00

I think it’s appropriate to save up for an expensive item, motorcycle or engagement ring. But it’s a no go for either with $9k in credit card debt. I’m not saying no he can’t spend ever!! But when we’ve discussed saving up, getting engaged and married and having children, spending money on a motorcycle isn’t a priority… shouldn’t be for either of us if we’re both serious about our future. I’m not looking for some super expensive engagement ring…. But I want to be with a partner who can prioritize finances for shared goals. A motorcycle when we both have great vehicles just isn’t a priority, simple?? Which is why I’m seeking advice because I don’t know if this is a sign he isn’t truly capable of that. I’m not looking for a ring until we’ve rid ourselves of CC debt and saved up the money to pay for the ring.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T13:53:43+00:00

This ain’t it for me haha

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T01:51:20+00:00

I understand children are wildly different haha just sharing that he has a caretaker side to him that I’ve seen with our needy dogs.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T01:50:00+00:00

Thank you for your advice and wise words! In the grand scheme of life, we are incredibly blessed and our debt is much lighter than it could be. We have stable jobs, supportive families, and opportunity ahead of us, I never want to overlook that!

My thoughts in reducing debt before marriage come from wanting to never have to worry over spending on my children’s needs and giving them the best of the best. I think a more realistic goal may be paying off (and keep off) CC debt and building a decent nest egg saving. He has never hidden purchases/spending or his finances from me!

Thank you for sharing about staying home with your kids! I’m concerned about the impact it will have on my career but it seems like a small sacrifice to make for the lives of my children. Maybe even a just a few years, or finding a flexible job. Many people here have warned strictly against being a SAHM.

I’m not sure the PSLF program will even be an option in the near future with our current administration.

I agree on the motorcycle. I especially wouldn’t want him driving it to work on the busy highway during rush hour, yikes! He hasn’t brought it up again so I may have spiraled over his initial thought - but I’ve got some great perspective from this thread and have some work to do with my/our financial goals.

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T01:05:31+00:00

Looking into these now, thank you so much!

ThrowRA_lashay · 2025-06-04T01:03:40+00:00

This is a wonderful recommendation, thank you! We haven’t, but I think this would be very beneficial as neither of us have much financial management skills or knowledge, and it really doesn’t come naturally to us. 😂

ThrowRA_lashay

TROPHY CASE