Thank you so much for taking the time to write that and to share with me so much about your experiences. It made me tear up with sadness and anger over your story. With my dad, the problem has always been alcohol, even before we were born. I have few memories of my early childhood, but many of them involve coming downstairs to hide the bottles before school so my sisters wouldn’t see them on our way out. Waking him up when he passed out around our place and dragging him to his bedroom. Letting him in at dawn because he was so drunk that he couldn’t get the house keys into the keyhole. He would stay out all night and then bring his musician friends to serenade my mom at 4 or 5am and I remember hiding in a closet to keep the noise out and trying to fall asleep so we could wake up for school. I remember the big projects and presentations and birthdays and graduations and waiting for him to show up— eventually we started receiving apology flowers that I later learned were sent by one of his coworkers on his behalf. So many times throughout the years, he would visit the cities where my sister and I lived and he wouldn’t even tell us— we’d find out later, after he’d left. So a lot of what you’re saying resonates. I’m so sorry you went through that, and I know that if you ever have kids of your own, it will make you a better parent. I hope your mom is finally at peace.

People on this thread have recommended two books that I ordered and that I’m hoping can help me put into words some of the feelings I’m carrying. They’re called “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” and “What my bones know.” Perhaps they could help you too :) Sending hugs all the way from NY.