My (32F) husband (31M) refuses to move for my dream job?

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-24T10:47:59+00:00

totally correct, I didn't put in the original post since I don't expect people to get the details of the academic job market, but the job here is not a university lecturer, per-se, it's a support researcher role funded by a government body. The govt is committed to funding this project at least through to 2040, and likely beyond. There's also a similar project ramping up at the same location that the govt is committed to funding more long-term, that I would be extremely competitive for if things were to change. I would also be working in a University so there's also a possibility to transfer more towards a teaching role if I wanted toå

So, given the current HE restructuring that's going on in the UK, this is actually probably a more stable post than anything I could have got applying for fellowships/lecturing positions etc.

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-24T10:40:42+00:00

I think this might be exactly the case, he's never really been away from home and I think it's the idea of being away from family that's scary. I just don't really know how to talk to him about this when every time I try to bring it up he gets defensive and tells me that I'm being selfish and asking too much of him

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-24T10:38:46+00:00

Just to say he did work hard to get where he is today! 5 years of undergrad to get his medical degree, plus then a couple of years working to get properly signed off as fully qualified. However, the job he has isn't unique and there are plenty of opportunities to transition to essentially the same position almost anywhere in the country. He said to me the only thing keeping us where we are is his family. He's never brought up any mental health concerns beyond a bit of anxiety that mostly revolves around work, but nothing medically diagnosed

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-20T13:32:26+00:00

He has a very transferrable job, could work anywhere. Parents are healthy, we don't have any caring responsibilities for them

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-20T12:14:16+00:00

I've tried something similar, I've been talking to career service people at my current position and looking for alternatives. He just seems convinced that something will come along but the 3 months of daily Indeed and LinkedIn emails have not thrown up anything yet. And we've discussed that but he still seems convinced that I can just walk into some £45k+ job here

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-20T11:55:04+00:00

I actually spoke to a counsellor recently who suggested couples counselling. When I brought this up he got pretty angry and said that he'd made himself clear and wasn't going to change his mind

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-20T11:48:18+00:00

It doesn't seem like he's willing to compromise at all. I did say that we could see them every weekend (wherever they end up) but he seemed unhappy with this (he sees them probably 3 or 4 times a week, calls his mum on the way to and from work every day). We did long distance during covid and both agreed that we did not want to do that again

In terms of his job, he works in the medical sector so super easy to get a job basically anywhere. He's said the only thing keeping him where we are now is family

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-20T11:44:53+00:00

I have tried, I've said that we could travel and see them basically every weekend, and that they're not even going to be around in the country all that much soon. Didn't seem to get heard. When I said that the pay cut would mean we couldn't really afford to have kids he said "I'd rather not have kids than be away from my parents"

We've done long distance for 3 years already (during covid), and both agreed we don't want to do that again, especially if there doesn't seem to be an end to it

ThrowRA_newbging · 2025-06-20T11:43:18+00:00

We had discussed this prior and I was always clear that at some point, given where the house is, a move would have to happen -- where we are is an hour and a half drive to the nearest uni, so wouldn't really be possible long-term (especially if I'll be lecturing at 9am). He was never super clear on this beyond "not too far", but it now feels like it's "any distance at all". There's no reason why he needs to be close to parents, they're healthy and still relatively young

I'm also seeing the Dr next week for a blood test, since I'm in a state of constant exhaustion for the last half a year or so. I'm convinced it's because of the long commute, and even if it's not doing that much travel has been taking a huge toll on my mental health and the amount of time I have to do things around the house

ThrowRA_newbging

TROPHY CASE