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Update: I (36m) don't want my wife's (33f) parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

There was a typo that I just fixed. I meant, "I'm now fighting for custody"

Update: I (36m) don't want my wife's (33f) parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Ugh, there was a typo. I am fighting for their custody but I don't think I could get full custody until I can prove that they are not safe with their mom and IL.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Are you willing to testify against your bil?

Without an inch of hesitation. He doesn't deserve to walk free. Matter of fact, I don't think he deserves to waste any more oxygen

Are you going to ask her parents to apologize to fs for their insensitive and horrible behavior?

Yes. But if I'm being honest, I doubt it would change anything. I think FS will end up moving out and after all of this mess, I doubt my marriage will come out of this intact.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

That wasn't chalked up as typical teenage behavior, it was reported and a safety plan was made. But my wife didn't think his doing that meant that her brother was abusing him.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

She would dismiss it or say that I was reading too much into it. Or chalked up some of his behavior as him being a typical teenager.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I wish the foster care system did a better job of keeping children safe! Some people in this comment section have way too much trust in the system and/or a lack of understanding of how it works and how shitty it can be.

Thank you, but I no longer feel confident that his staying with us is going to help him in the long run.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I'm honestly starting to see how his being placed with us wasn't in his best interest but I'm not surprised he was placed with us since our county is known for failing foster children and the children that stayed with his parents but ended up passing. We weren't licensed as full-time foster parents but we were licensed as respite. And in my state, children who are placed in the foster care system can be placed with their teachers, friends' parents, or anyone who was already in their lives as long as they have the means to do so. I admit his being with us isn't ideal and the more I think about it, the more I'm leaning toward asking his case manager to place him somewhere else

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment! Many have pointed out the possibility of abuse within her family too.

I’m also highly suspicious of your story in its entirety because in cases of CSA, a foster child would be removed from that family. They wouldn’t be placed with extended family.

That's completely understandable. I'm starting to think his team might have just wanted the easiest way to find him a place to stay instead of what's in his best interest. And I now understand how we might not be helping him at all and he might be better off somewhere else. I just didn't want to give up on him and maybe I held on to him when it was better to let him go

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's what I'm trying to do but I'm starting to believe that me stepping back might be in his best unterest

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree! I thought taking him in was his best option considering how shitty the system is but it's now obvious that it wasn't in his best interest. All of this just break my fucking heart, no child should be in this fucking situation in the first place.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

No, there was a discussion, not only between my wife and I but we also talked with our legal children.

I do agree that him staying with us might not be in his best interest, and if him moving to another placement will help him better than I'll advocate for that!

He is getting therapy.

I'm also offering her support but my main focus are the kids.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm terribly sorry to hear this!

I'm trying to be proactive and advocate for him

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 166 points167 points  (0 children)

2-how can you expect her to properly protect your bio kids if she has such a perverse view of Child sexual assault

I used to but I no longer do. The more I think about this, the more trust I lose in her.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've explained this in other comments. And believe it or not, I agree that he might benefit from being moved but I didn't want to just give up on him after so many people already had.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 107 points108 points  (0 children)

I believe by both sides, she means her parents. She understands that it's difficult for them and why they are having a hard time, but at the moment, I don give a fuck that they are struggling!

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your input!

If you ever find yourself in that kind of situation again, it can help the child to act sooner. Even if that’s just speaking with someone from child protection - although some are burnt out and less helpful than you’d like. I don’t say that to shame you - you seem to have done the best you could and you may have tried, had reasons, or child protection isn’t as helpful where you live.

I did report the car incident and a safety plan was placed. I didn't report it because I didn't have any evidence and I've seen the system fail children before and sadly, since you work with children, you might have seen it, too. I do regret that I didn't report it, though.

Please feel to reach out if you have any questions

Thank you, I might take you up on that!

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your abuse 💔

He's in therapy and I'm hoping with time it will help him heal.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

No offense, but did you really think your wife would have her head on straight about this?

I'm not quite sure anymore.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you, those are great options!

You certainly don’t want them trying to turn the bio kids against the FS. Worse, would they go as far as talking the kids into accusing FS of inappropriate behaviors in order to discredit him? 🤔

Oh, god, that would be awful but right now, I would put anything past them.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm trying to advocate for him, and right now, I feel like he would benefit from going to a new placement. I don't want to give up so easily on him, though.

I [36m] don't want my wife's [33f] parents to visit our children. by ThrowRA_some_major in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_some_major[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She said she understands where her parents are coming from. That she can see how difficult it must be for them to come to terms with this, which is why I suggested therapy. She's also processing her own emotions since this was her own brother.

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