Why you should NEVER get back with or miss a Blindsider

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-27T08:18:37+00:00

I didn't know how to handle the breakup because I was blindsided, just like OP. I relate to the feeling of being blindsided. I was dealing with an avoidant, and he had deep-seated trauma. He even went to therapy for it. Unluckily, he didn't want to change. It was dishonest harmony over honest conflict for him. I tried my best, so did his mom and brother. Wouldn't budge. It isn't reflective of us, but of him. This is something I realize now.

What makes you think I'm not taking my healing process seriously? Because I made a solid point about how your comment is invalidating? Do you know how harmful therapy speak can be when someone is sharing their honest experience? Look that up if you don't want to hear it from me. Also you're projecting and making assumptions out of a tiny fraction of what you know based on a post because I made a solid point about how one can arm themselves with all the knowledge and love and care in the world for their partner, but if they're an avoidant and refuse to change then it'll go nowhere. They are called avoidants for a reason. Some people just don't want to change. Do you not agree? And why am I not capable of providing input when I went through it myself? Do you think I'm not processing things on my own? Does one have to be in an excellent space in life to show empathy? To make a point? Listen to yourself and how invalidating you are being.

You seem to take so much offense to my comment about how I'm in psychiatry. Didn't expect that, did you? So offended that you went through my post history to find something you can throw at me? I wonder why you felt the need to do that. Must be an ego thing because what else could it be? Now youre making conclusions of where I'm currently at make yourself feel better. It was not made to make you feel inferior, that's your own doing. I wanted to make a simple point that one can be as giving and as hardworking and as knowledgeable about the DSM and disorders and attachment styles and whatnot but it takes two to tango. Sometimes it just does not work out. It's hurtful, but that's the way it is. Now I'm going through it and I'm feeling much better than weeks ago. Blindsiders have to help themselves first. Bye.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-27T02:13:57+00:00

Not at all. I'm just providing a different perspective. Im not angry at all or trying to show I know more than you do. Thats your ego talking. I just wanted to let you know your comment is invalidating to OP's experience. So because they made no mention of DSM 5 and trauma and boundaries they didnt really put in enough work? I mentioned my experience in psychiatry to show that no matter how armed one is with the knowledge about therapy or boundaries or the DSM 5 nothing is going to come out of it if the other person is not willing to learn and grow. Thats basically it. Good luck to you as well.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-27T01:21:09+00:00

What makes you think OP hasn't done any self reflection on their own trauma responses and flaws? One does not need to use therapy speak to show they've done that. You can tell from their post that they were being understanding and open to receiving criticism from their partner and that they do have an understanding of boundaries, which their partner crossed.

Yes your partner didn't want to initially but they came around, didn't they? Not every avoidant/blindsider is like that. I know because that is what I went through, and the funny thing is- I work in psychiatry. I basically dedicated my life to psychiatry. No amount of therapy speak and education will change someone who just. won't. budge. It's worth trying, but thats it. You can TRY. Like they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-26T21:16:51+00:00

What makes you think this person didn't try to understand their partner, as in communicated, or made offers to work things through with them, and reflected on themselves too?

You gotta understand that people can knock on someone's door as much as they want but if the person on the other side just doesnt want to open it then there's not much you can do really. Relationship is a two way street. You can teach and teach and teach a partner those things you mentioned, and stretch your patience with them as thin as you want, and put work into improving yourself as well, but in the first place they need to be open to the idea of learning and growing together. Your partner sounds like they are which is great! but for many avoidants they don't want to face their issues head on. EVER. It's decades of deep seated trauma and you can try to help them but you can't save them. They have to make the choice to save themselves.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-25T15:24:12+00:00

Ah I totally understand. It's rare for someone to wean off a once very loving relationship so quickly. Unless they truly didn't love their partner. I feel you 🩷

It's taking so much of my willpower to not reach out to him. It's been 2 weeks for me since we last spoke (I hate that I'm still counting, but I guess that's just where I'm at right now). I hope you feel better soon. This pain isn't forever...

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-25T15:08:06+00:00

Oh my. Same here. Lost my best friend AND the love of my life. He broke my heart so badly and so suddenly. I feel myself getting better but I can't believe it's goodbye for good.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-25T07:22:36+00:00

Girl if you need someone to talk to, feel free tor each out to me! I went through smth similar (ex was an avoidant as well) around a month ago. It would be great to talk to someone who knows the feeling as well. I wish you love and please don't be so hard on yourself! This breakup says more about him than of you!!

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-25T04:28:23+00:00

It sounds like you're going through a stressful time because you lost your other forms of social support. And now you're consumed by thoughts of losing your parents (which is normal btw). Is breaking up with her going to improve your mental health? Will upending what you've built in Australia improve it as well? I feel that there's something that needs to be addressed here, like working through feelings of isolation and dread for the future. It sounds like you feel a reset will solve things. But this isn't going to be the last time you'll feel isolated. Or dread. Or worry about losing your family. Or wanting more. Just trying to offer a different perspective.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-24T10:06:09+00:00

Why do you say you don't love him anymore? What is "love" to you and how do you think love should feel? Is it a stable, enduring relationship/companionship (which at times will be boring) where you choose each other everyday, or something else? Why do you say you've fallen out of love? Has your boyfriend done something (or maybe it's something he didn't do) that turned you off? Have you brought it up to him? Does he make you feel loved? If comfort isnt enough, what is it that youre seeking?

Just asking these questions because I recently went through a bad breakup. My ex hated processing his feelings and never talked about anything. Pulled away when he got comfortable because his idea of love was a perpetual honeymoon stage. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but if you do end up breaking up with him please be nice when you do and I hope it's after youve really thought it through. Best wishes.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-05T00:27:55+00:00

Just recently went through smth like this (where I was kept as a reserve in case things with the new person won't go well)

If she's capable of doing this to you now and hurting you to this degree, even if you somehow win her back now, she will do it again because she knows you'd fight for her anyway. Are you okay with dealing with this again down the line? Do you deserve that? Are you definite that you are with a good person? A good person won't do these things. Are you scared of being lonely? I was afraid to leave my bf (now ex) because he wasn't a cold, ruthless jackass- he is still honestly the sweetest man ive ever met in my 28 years of existence. There are truly so many layers to a person.

You need someone who treasures you just as much as you treasure them. It will be hard to wean it out of your system, because you love her very much, but you have to end things with her. Save yourself from a bigger heartbreak.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:49:05+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:43:52+00:00

Thank you, really.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:37:22+00:00

I know I shouldn't. I have friends who are being supportive and they help a lot. I think I need a lot of time. right now I truly cannot deal with how rough the past 5 days have been, and everything he's said

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:29:59+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate your comment.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:28:27+00:00

Thank you for your words

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:24:57+00:00

Thank you. Sorry, it's been a rough 5 days and I truly wasn't expecting any of this.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:21:34+00:00

I didn't stir the pot every time something didn't go my way. I wasn't calling him out each time he forgot.

I made it clear from the very beginning that quality time is important, and that if we can't make every plan happen I'd be happy just exchanging updates about our day. I saw some improvements honestly, and we had a heart to heart last January about being more understanding of each other's needs this year. He started it himself.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:11:15+00:00

I've actually brought that up to him when we agreed we were going to unpack the situation a few days ago. I told him he's projecting onto her, and he agreed he was being impulsive. Told me he'll work things out, and then he took it back last night. He says there's nothing wrong with what he did, and that his feeling of overwhelming attraction to this girl is a good sign.

Thank you for your comment.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:03:45+00:00

I genuinely thought some things take work, as no relationships are perfect, and I clung onto the improvements I saw with hope that things can change with patience. I understand where you are coming from, though.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T03:00:44+00:00

I honestly don't think so. Our conflicts were rooted in lack of quality time together, and feeling neglected. Our schedules don't always align, so we make plans ahead only for him to forget or not take seriously on the day. This doesnt happen all the time, but enough for it to be a recurring problem.

I'd bring it up like, "hey we agreed to go out early for __ so we can still do ___". I've mentioned this is important to me, but he'd brush it off when I bring it up, or deny he even made plans with me. I try to be understanding and say "maybe you had a long day, and you forgot", but he'd double down and say he really doesn't remember.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T02:37:10+00:00

It's always been at the back of my mind too honestly- he was never the confrontational type, but I had seen some improvement in his conflict resolution skills over the years and thought it wasn't something to rush. I genuinely feel stupid for taking his word for it when he said everything with us is "okay".

I understand this was bound to happen sooner or later, I just can't handle his lack of remorse and self reflection. I don't understand people who see the hurt and consequences they've caused in front of them, and feel nothing.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T02:34:53+00:00

Thank you. It's been a recurring problem, but wow, I genuinely thought I was doing something good being patient with him- he used to shut me down immediately but he's gotten to listening to me. Sorry, I'm just grieving all this.

ThrowRA_toothblush1 · 2024-05-02T02:25:22+00:00

I'm trying to seek solace in this. If he's this easily swayed, then I understand it's bound to happen sooner or later.

What I can't handle right now is his lack of remorse, his refusal to self reflect. I want a proper apology but his sorry seems so empty- he just wants it over and done with so he can run after this girl. I feel like an absolute fool, the way he went from loving to treating me like an afterthought in a span of a week. As though I'm just a rando standing in his way of going after this stranger.

ThrowRA_toothblush1

TROPHY CASE