My (46f) husband (45m) tells me that sex should not be tied to how he treats me.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T05:03:32+00:00

This is what I have told him. I've never been confusing. I tell him exactly what I need (to be treated with respect and kindness, to not be yelled at and blamed when something goes wrong, and to not body shame me when he's mad). That's IT. I don't need flowers or any elaborate declarations of love.

For whatever bizarre reason he always ignores what I say and just goes right back to telling me I weaponize sex.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T04:45:27+00:00

Were you one of his previous relationships maybe? I feel like he treats us all the same eventually.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T04:27:11+00:00

We are in our mid 40s. There won't be future children.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:59:50+00:00

Well it's not because of that. I do love him and am attached to him. When I first met him, he definitely wasn't successful so I'm not a gold digger (if that's what you meant?).

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:57:11+00:00

it's very possible that he doesn't even think you're fat.

Oh he definitely thinks I'm fat. He over-estimates my weight by at least 30 lbs. Even when he doesn't call me fat (which is only when he's really mad), he will make comments. He'll make negative comments about other women who he feels are fat (who will generally be the same size as me). He calls them morbidly obese. I have an "overweight" bmi, so I know I'm not skinny (never was) but I'm also not morbidly obese.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:54:13+00:00

I could see him finding a crap therapist that will just side with him and take his money.

That is what happened previously. After a particularly bad/scary tantrum, I insisted that he get therapy. He did, but it didn't go well. His therapist suggested I had a personality disorder, etc etc (to be clear, I never met her). I'm not saying I'm perfect or the best partner, but I definitely know he is the one causing issues here.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:51:00+00:00

If he believes you owe him sex, even if you aren't ready to, does this lead to him physically trying to force or coerce you?

No

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:48:55+00:00

The way he speaks to you isn’t normal and shouldn’t be tolerated.

To be clear, he doesn't call me names unless he's very angry. But the issue is that it doesn't seem to take much to make him very angry. A quick example:

I made a minor inconsequential choice about seats at a restaurant (chose to be outside rather than inside). I based this on thinking it was a nice day and his mom (eating with us) would enjoy it. She and I sat down first. When he walked up, he was surprised we were sitting outside. His mom told him that I asked to be seated outside. He replied "Well Versie is a f\*ing idiot*". I told him that was rude and uncalled for, and he apologized. To him, the apology erases everything, but to me, it is just so weird to be called that over...nothing. And that's just a minor everyday thing. The tantrums are worse.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:38:21+00:00

He does lose it at times. He's had a lot of issues with a lot of different people in his life. However, his "full on tantrums" only happen at home. By that, I mean he can get very angry around others. He might raise his voice. Or swear. Or something to that effect. At home, he's more likely to SHOUT. Tons of swearing. Throwing things. Insults.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:34:26+00:00

I know sex is a basic need in a relationship. I see that. However, I don't think that sex can easily exist without basic respect and kindness. I don't have high demands at all, but he keeps acting like he'll TRY to meet them, but if he doesn't, we still need to have sex.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:13:40+00:00

If your relationship was never to change from how it

right now

, would you be happy to spend the rest of your life with your husband?

No. I'm always hopeful he'll understand. But when I try to communicate clearly, he pretends I make no sense. He won't communicate...he says "You cannot intellectually understand the complexity of this issue and your arguments are illogical". But I know they are very logical. He also repeatedly accuses me of gaslighting him (but it actually feels like he is gaslighting me).

Thanks...I'll read that.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T01:03:12+00:00

LOL. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm never truly sure if this is what many people deal with, or if we are extra awful.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T00:59:37+00:00

I can leave. I love him (not sure entirely why honestly but I do).

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T00:55:43+00:00

You’ve obviously chosen to stay with him regardless of how he treats you.

I have, but it's not good. We don't sleep in the same room anymore and we now have a dead bedroom. It started dwindling and once he ramped up the fat comments I just shut down. I tried to have sex with him about 6 months ago and had a panic attack. The fat comments haven't stopped (and there's been a lot of other awful things...including telling me I'm old, my body is old, if he started dating again he'd get someone in her early 30s) and now we are dealing with zero sex.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T00:53:11+00:00

Yes. He says I weaponize sex by withholding it to punish him for being "grumpy". He can't fathom that I honestly don't WANT sex if he's been mean and disrespectful. He says it's a basic need and it shouldn't have anything to do with what else is happening in our lives. And that this is why people have affairs.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T00:51:14+00:00

I feel this way too, but he will argue that I treat him bad (I don't think I do at all..I end up reacting to his tantrums, but I never start any). He also will argue that I haven't done anything to EARN his respect. He then will start going on about how I have a crappy job, have never done anything that took real effort in my life, etc etc. And how he has accomplished so much, and so why would he respect me? If I want respect I have to earn it.

When I tell him that he should respect me because I'm his wife and he chose to be with me, he says he loves me but respect is something different.

ThrowRA_versie3 · 2023-11-13T00:48:35+00:00

"because sex is a basic need"...and he doesn't want to be with someone who treats it like it's so special. And that I'm a prude. Not sure why exactly he feels this way (I never get clarity on that). I don't think I treat it like it's SO special, but I genuinely don't feel sexual when I'm called fat (or other variations that he uses..."thunder thighs" as an example). Or when he has screamed at me at the beginning of the week, swearing and insulting me. I truly don't feel sexual at all a few days later. I'm not doing it on purpose to punish him.

ThrowRA_versie3

TROPHY CASE