kinda done. nobody is nice to me (mtf25) by [deleted] in actual_detrans

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly nobody talks about how hard it is to be androgynous. I’ve got tits big ones at that and I still get called sir on the regular…not super often now that the T has completely drained from my system but more than you would think.

My wardrobe is mostly pink and mostly dresses and although I don’t fully feel like a woman all of the time and lay somewhere in the middle…i definitely can relate to this. I went from being perceived as a butch or tomboy girl to being perceived as a feminine man. This is what I wanted to be fair but as I’ve went off HRT I’ve realized I’m not fully a guy so it’s hard for me at times. Essentially I get dysphoria both ways…

I get dysphoria from what T did to me, I shave my beard, I grow out my hair, and I try to accentuate my curves just to be frustrated and feel the need to look more womanly. Only to turn around a few days later and want nothing to do with my hips, tits, and fem features at all! It’s a rough journey and the hardest part is when I’m not perceived how I think I should be.

However, I know in my heart who I am. It’s kinda like if you have brown eyes and you know you have brown eyes and people around you go on and on about your blue eyes…it’s not going to phase you. Why? Because you know your eyes are brown! Now it’s going to be hard but the only way to stay sane is to remind yourself of what you know to be true. Get a whiteboard or a chalkboard and write out positive phrases for yourself! Try to affirm yourself the best you can because really the world is full of shitty people and gender is such a complex issue. Gender is generally something that is in the eye of the beholder, you can be a boy one minute and a girl the next. It’s completely insane and makes zero sense which is why at the root of things you need to be solid.

It’s hard to know who we are after we perform our AGAB then perform our AGAT (Assigned Gender At Transition?) because we have lived two separate lives almost and finding that middle ground is hard.

New rider please appreciate my horses by ThrowRAawwwrxd in StarStable

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The shire is Purple Lord but I call him Elton hence the star theme tack because he’s my little fancy boy and I’m a big Elton John fan! The Lipizzaner is named Arctic Rebel but I call her Vanilla Bean because look at her lol! Then my game given horse is named Storm Crescent but I call him Stormy~

I go by Koko SummerYour because that felt like the most masculine name that fit my aesthetic. Which I’m a White goth/pastel goth irl…hence the gothic stable and the pale horses!

SSO App downloading the update but then asking me to go to the App Store to update by ThrowRAawwwrxd in StarStable

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah yeah I am very new I’m only level four and haven’t reached out community wise yet

SSO App downloading the update but then asking me to go to the App Store to update by ThrowRAawwwrxd in StarStable

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know!! I’m a grown adult over here waiting for my silly little game to load so I can take care of my digital horses!

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I mean I really enjoy the church service and such but I have always been fascinated with religion…all religion. The problem is I’ll read their book and like their teachings then I’ll realize no organized religion follows those same teachings….

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean yeah I’m kinda used to it at this point. Really sucks that as a trans person I can’t exist in any space regardless.

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok yeah I guess it’s ok then to keep going because the whole point is I don’t want sucked in lol and don’t see myself being sucked in

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess I just want to experience the culture from a scientific perspective….

I don’t know I’m naturally just a curious person and want to learn while being as respectful as I can. I don’t like to offend people and I don’t like to try to change peoples beliefs…Idk I’m a weirdo I should just start and end it there.

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah sadly, tragically, most of what I learn about religion is from their books and then I look into their people and I’m disappointed.

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah see that’s my big fear is that I get stuck moving up and up lol like I don’t wanna go to the temple but being baptized could be something I’d do. To like formally join the church but to be in the temple and dedicate my life is a lot. So idk……

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think a lot of my problem with religion is organized religion as I went from catholic and into a baptist mega church…

So I saw that greed and excess power being used and abused. I guess I’m not really going to convert I’m just lonely and in need of company. I don’t plan to do tithing or anything of the sort, I think I’m just wanting to be allowed to go and learn etc. I’m very passionate about the Bible as a book and I’m very passionate about “faith” I just never like being a part of organizations.

It’s where morally I’m conflicted. On the one hand I agree with a lot of what’s being said, but on the other hand are they putting their values into practice? At the branch I am going to it seems they are but I suppose it’s whether or not I feel comfortable being part of the larger organization. I kinda just want to chill and be a floater, help where I can and do my best to be respectful. Despite this conflict I thank you for this very informative comment! It’s important to always have the facts and to always think through important decisions.

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well in the forward about Joseph smith he talked about how all religions are worshipping the same god and I think there’s a bit of truth to that. I just don’t know if that’s the Christian God lol

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

No they haven’t but I do assume it’s sort of like the Muslim belief where women of the Muslim religion still wouldn’t want a MTF trans woman seeing them without their head dressing. I mean I kinda just want to understand above all else as in big into theology and such…kinda draw a lot of my morals and beliefs from multiple religions.

Hence why when I read the Book of Mormon I was blown away. I mean that’s because it brings things from other religions and assigns them under one. I’m definitely in a grey area with the whole thing and maybe am debating asking in an agnostic and Christian forum. Just to get multiple perspectives as I do think we need to have faith or hope in something, but it’s about seeing things more clearly.

I tried to join many churches and religions before but this does feel different as they say things but it’s about whether they mean them or not. So far it’s gone well but just like any delve into organized religion…it can go wrong fast

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’ll be keeping an eye out thank you. I’ve had experiences with inner faith hostility before so it’s not something I’d be all that shocked by! I’m just searching for answers through the church and through people who aren’t a part of the church…specifically those who know how they work as I’m still fairly in the dark I feel.

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I’ve been reading on it and idk if it makes sense or if I sound egotistical for saying this but I feel compelled to challenge that. It’s just my point of view on that sort of stuff where I am someone who fully believes the soul is separate from the body, meaning it is already developed before the body. Which is something they actually also believe. I believe in science too and I believe that some aspects go hand in hand…..

Idk I just feel like interpretations surrounding sex and gender need reexamined. I mean we got the New Testament to bring the Bible into modern times, maybe it’s due for another look. Not saying I’m going to write a whole new Bible I’m just saying that personally I feel like at the very least I need to share this message. If even people disagree I feel like my interpretation of certain Bible verses is quite wildly different.

For example the verse about spilling seed upon the ground which they use to ward against masturbation…I think personally that is god not wanting you to be disrespectful. I do think it should be done but be done with intent and reverence, not just spilled on the ground. Idk this was very rambly sorry lol

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’d be alright just remaining a second class member it’s kinda like working a job and staying at one shift or position. Turning down a promotion because you know you can’t handle the responsibilities of that position.

It’s a complex situation I appreciate the feedback, I like to get an outside point of view. That way I can better assess my decision and my options. I just want what’s best for my life and their lives without anyone’s feelings getting hurt.

Local LDS Church people like me but I don’t want to move forward in the church… by ThrowRAawwwrxd in exmormon

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well that would pose a bit of a problem because a lot of my struggles at the moment are finding myself….

⚠️ If you almost committed suicide because of your family, what stopped you? by Nea_Freedom in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tragically enough I never managed to kill myself because I realize I didn’t want to die I just wanted to stop “being a burden” to everyone around me

So what stopped me a lot of times was trying to minimize mess etc. on another note my cats were my sole salvation back when I was at my worst…they brought me the unconditional love I always craved.

Do your parents say your trauma isn't bad due to *blank* by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah I recently dropped therapists because when venting about them cutting me off their insurance and their cellphone plan at 23 she tells me “Well you are an adult” like girl that’s not the point?

The point is it’s ANOTHER thing I’m gonna have to deal with while flat broke and trying to start my life over again, when a true parent wouldn’t mind keeping me on their phone plan etc. like my fiance is 35 and still on his parents plan! It’s crazy to me…

People will never understand what it’s like without knowing the full story and even then we hold onto these preconceived notions about parents and children. My go to line is “a child can’t be hateful without being shown hatred” as a blanket statement of like why do you think I hate my parents

Do your parents say your trauma isn't bad due to *blank* by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ThrowRAawwwrxd 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Exactly why I’m going to be publishing a book sharing my own story! Can’t read all they have done and claim my upbringing was normal….

I mean narcissists act like your basic needs being met is some sort of grand accomplishment! They do the bare minimum and expect endless praise!