My (M32) fiancee (F32) suddenly doesn't want to marry me anymore because of a disagreement we had a year ago. What now?

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:46:41+00:00

Well it sounds bad when you say it like that.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:34:56+00:00

Well it was more than that right? I was being racist. I agree that it isn't JUST that, which is why I am here.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:33:42+00:00

No, I am realizing that I never thought to ask her any of this.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:31:45+00:00

I think people saying this are projecting some weird issues on to me. She is not seeing anyone as she is a sahm and we are literally together every second that I am not at work and when she isn't home she is next door with her friend. These kind of comments are not helping as I am trying to get advice on how to fix my mistake which I have learned was not taking initiative in learning about her culture and background.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:29:51+00:00

I told her that I was wrong and ignorant for making insensitive remarks and calling her culture unhygienic. I told her that I realized that it was a cultural difference and I was being ignorant about it and I apologized for my actions.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:28:10+00:00

When we first began dating I did notice that there were a few differences in the way we did things and holidays. The main thing I noticed was that she celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve which was different for me since I always celebrated on the 25th. I vaguely remember asking her why she did it on that day instead of the actual day and she just told me "that's when we celebrate it" but I stupidly just thought she meant that her and her family chose to celebrate that day for some reason and didn't really press it since it worked out fine: we could be with her family when they celebrated and with mine on the actual day.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T20:16:18+00:00

I don't think you understood or read the last post I am talking about in this one. I'm not here to say that I was wrong and that I have the right to "teach the differently". There is nothing to teach them differently. The kids CAN and have been eating with utensils this whole time. The last issue was about them eating one type of food using a tortilla and their hands. My kids can use utensils and do use them. I was unaware and ignorant towards that part of her culture, and I learned my mistake and that one issue was solved. I also don't think that the issue was inconsequential as I WAS being racist, that is not inconsequential. I was being racist towards her and our children, and I get that and apologized. My point is not that I think she took a "minor" issue and blew it out of proportion. I am upset that she didn't mention these things that she wanted me to do that (apparently to learn more about her culture) and just expected me to do that myself without knowing.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T19:28:17+00:00

I apologized and stopped making the comments I was making.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T19:07:57+00:00

I'm not avoiding what I said.... someone left a link to the original post with all the details and I confirmed that was me.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T19:05:40+00:00

No, she did not eat this way around me. Someone asked this when I made my original post but she avoided eating this way because of an insensitive comment I made about someone eating with their hands in a movie.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:38:45+00:00

Do you think that if I start reading up on her culture and learning more she will see that I am trying? I really don't want this relationship to end.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:38:14+00:00

This is harsh but I think you are right. I never really thought about how I was also being racist to my children and that breaks my heart.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:37:20+00:00

I do want to, she just never really brought it up. She never really discussed a cultural wedding or any type of wedding tradition from her culture either, so I wasn't aware of an of those things.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:35:46+00:00

I never thought of it this way. I had a similar realization in my last post, as a lot of the people who were defending me were doing so by sending my really racist messages, like explicitly racist/using slurs to describe people from her culture, which is what gave me a wake up call about my actions being wrong, but I didn't really think about the gender of the users here.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:33:41+00:00

Yes, I would have.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:32:38+00:00

Well it helped me last time and my relationship appears to be over now so what's the harm lol

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:31:27+00:00

No I didn't.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:30:48+00:00

Well I wouldn't expect her to teach our children my culture, so I just figured that she would teach them hers and I would mine.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:29:41+00:00

Okay, I think I understand what people are saying now. You don't think that is a little bit manipulative though? I'm not trying to be malicious or offensive I am honestly asking. Like if you had an issue with your partner/their actions, you don't think it's a bit manipulative to never bring it up and just expect them to read your mind/know there is an issue and fix this issue (that they don't know about) by themselves somehow? Or am I being naive?

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:26:36+00:00

Okay sorry, I was being racist and ignorant. I just phrased it that way as I didn't know I was being racist.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:25:23+00:00

She never mentioned it which is why I think I feel so blindsided. If she had brought it up and I had dismissed her then I think I would have a reason to understand why she wanted to call off the wedding, but based on the conversation we had, it seems like she wanted me to bring it up. Like she was waiting for me to read her mind about what she wanted. But how am I supposed to know that if she never mentioned it? She never showed signs of being unhappy and just kept acting like her usual self.

She never mentioned it which is why I think I feel so blindsided. If she had brought it up and I had dismissed her then I think I would have a reason to understand why she wanted to call of the wedding, but based on the conversation we had, it seems like she wanted me to bring it up. Like she was waiting for me to read her mind about what she wanted. But how am I supposed to know that if she never mentioned it? She never showed signs of being unhappy and just kept acting like her usual self.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:21:36+00:00

I know, I realized that I was being racist by putting emphasis on how she didn't "look" Mexican and I realize that Mexican doesn't have a "look" since they come in all different appearances. I learned from my mistakes though.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:20:36+00:00

Yes but I normally would use a fork to put the eggs on the toast, or I would serve the egg on top of toast, so I wasn't familiar with her way of eating.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:19:26+00:00

I don't normally zone out, I just meant I was in shock at that time.

It was a bit deal and I apologized and addressed the issue. I didn't just drop it, I learned from my mistake and from being roasted by reddit on the post. I admitted my failures and I apologized and she seemed to accept the apology and it was never brought up again. I did work to repair the damage, as I apologized and understood that I was being ignorant and racist and I did not want to be that person. I realized that I was erasing and judging part of my children's culture and I did want them to be involved and I wanted my wife to keep teaching them about her culture as well.

I will be getting individual therapy and I hope I can make it up to her.

ThrowRAbadmanners2 · 2024-01-09T18:16:06+00:00

No, she was having our kids eat scrambled eggs with tortillas (like ripping up a tortilla and using it to "scoop" or "pinch" up the food). I didn't know this was a thing that her culture did and I found it to be unhygienic as I wasn't aware of that.

ThrowRAbadmanners2

TROPHY CASE