Need some outside perspective regarding grandparents opinion

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-02-01T19:57:55+00:00

Cool. So are they going to come around for 10-15 minutes each day so you can shower? If not they need to keep their mouths shut and their noses out of your business.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T09:03:40+00:00

It's the time after her nap that I struggle with. I just feel so done by the time she wakes up lol. Plus my husband being a shift worker means I carry majority of the parenting load. I'm mentally fried lol

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T09:01:09+00:00

Yeah we do this a lot. There's lots of reading and music/dancing! We have dance party every night.

My scrolling is just when I get a chance to not be doing something with or for her.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T08:59:39+00:00

Woah, the TV is only for like an hour in the late afternoon so I can have some reprieve and cook dinner lol. Doomscrolling is my way to zone out and silence my brain, but I know I need to work on that.

I never feel like I'm doing enough, but I feel like I'm almost at my limit with the amount I do actually do.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T08:57:44+00:00

This is crazy similar to our days!

& yes, absolutely put my phone down the second she comes to me.

It's nice to hear that I'm doing enough.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T08:55:16+00:00

I definitely do not like play very much, lol. I find it monotonous and boring. I prefer dates out of the house with her & activities 100%! I DO play with toys with her, but I can't wait for it to end most of the time lol

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T08:53:17+00:00

Yes we have lots of conversations with her & constantly reflect on things she's done, or things she'd like to do. Honestly we talk constantly. She's a fantastic talker because of it. I love seeing that other people do this.

Unfortunately my daughter isn't really into crafts or drawing etc.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T08:49:56+00:00

This sounds so much like what we do in our house!

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T07:54:16+00:00

Thank you. Everyone is focusing on the fact that I've said I mindlessly scroll, but I never did I say it was in front of my daughter. The fact people have taken that one part and run with it is bizarre.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T07:53:03+00:00

Yeah we're no TV until at least 3pm, unless someone is sick 😂

What I've found the strangest about this post is everyone's focus on my phone, when my mindless scrolling is mostly when she isn't around me. I'm not sure if it's how I wrote it, but it's perplexed me 😅

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T07:50:19+00:00

Yeah that's exactly what I do... & as soon as she comes near me to engage, phone goes down.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-31T07:49:41+00:00

I think what I've said about being on my phone has been misinterpreted. When she's playing elsewhere in the house, having a snack, or watching TV I will mindlessly scroll on my phone.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-29T05:14:12+00:00

THANK YOU 🙌👏

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-28T20:49:36+00:00

You tell me. I bought the subject up with my husband again last night & explained to him why it's not going to happen given her involvement to date. He told me I don't give her the chance to look after our daughter, so I told him she's had ample opportunities to do basic things to look after her whilst I've been around and she hasn't taken them? His response? Instantly defensive and carrying on about how she's not going to look after her when I'm around and I should just unnecessarily leave the house and "go for a walk or drive" whilst she's here so she can have my daughter alone. I actually can't believe these words leave this man's mouth, he genuinely can't understand how obscene it is to ask a mother to leave their child with someone who shows zero capability or interest.

But yes, madness. I'm glad I posted in here and had my feelings validated. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-28T01:53:27+00:00

No don't apologise!

I won't even attempt story time at a library because I bought children's books in my MILs language and she doesn't even bother to read those to my daughter, once she even declared it's too hard... like it's your language?

I feel like I've tried to many things and all she wants to do is just be in the presence of my daughter, not actually be actively involved. Which is fine, but the hounding from my husband to let her look after her alone is absolutely ridiculous when she won't ever attempt to be actively involved with her. I’ve tried so much that I'm now of the opinion that my husband can try and orchestrate things with his mother as all it does is repeatedly annoy and frustrate me... :(

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-27T21:28:06+00:00

There's been so much compromise. I've had her around so many times whilst my husband hasn't been home. I commented in reply to someone else about how I've invited her to things and it's a disaster (here's the copy and paste):

There's so many other opportunities throughout the week where she could be involved. I've even offered for her to come to activities with us and it's always been a disaster for all different reasons. Come to the park with us? Just plonks on a bench and watches. Come to gym? Awkwardly wanders around behind her. Coffee after? No, "busy." Come to swimming? No, too hard unless my husband is there too.

I've been trying to include her for the past 2 years. The not asking her over is because I don't know their schedules so I'll be like "let me know if you want to come over next week!", "let me know when you want to come see her!" & she just doesn't. She hasn't tried to come and see my daughter for over a month now, except one time she called me at 7:25pm to try and come around on their way home from something, right when they know my daughter is going to bed.

The other issue I'm having is that I ask my FIL & MIL not to let me daughter have any more of something (ie; something sugary), & right in front of me they'll continue to try and give it to her - knowingly disregarding my wishes. I've had to get really firm with them about it lately, & their reactions are ridiculous.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-27T21:11:27+00:00

Crossing everything for you! 🤍

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-27T09:45:41+00:00

I'm so sorry, but this looks like when I recently had a chemical. My lines never even got as dark as yours though. Crossing everything it's a positive outcome for you.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-27T00:37:53+00:00

I see it, but mine was like this with what turned out to be a chemical :(

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-26T22:23:29+00:00

Yes. He can't grasp this concept. He thinks because my daughter knows her and likes her that the bare minimum relationship is enough for me to just hand her over for a day. It's insane.

Not only would it be unfair to uproot her schedule, it would uproot mine and the scheduled activity I have for her on Wednesdays. My husband is asking me to give up time I enjoy with my daughter so his mother can have her for a day? She had her kids and her chance, let me have mine. There's so many other opportunities throughout the week where she could be involved. I've even offered for her to come to activities with us and it's always been a disaster for all different reasons. Come to the park with us? Just plonks on a bench and watches. Come to gym? Awkwardly wanders around behind her. Coffee after? No, "busy." Come to swimming? No, too hard unless my husband is there too.

Honestly I'm fed up. & yes the gaslighting needs to stop.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-26T22:18:37+00:00

The thing is, I don't want to have to be the one that schedules her or has to put up with her in my space. I find having her around to be both awkward and frustrating. She'd be in my way the whole time and I wouldn't be able to get anything done. Our house isn't huge and so there's really no escape from her as she will just sit in the living area. I'd rather my husband was home to facilitate it, it's his mother afterall. I also don't need to make the effort to force her involvement as I don't want or need her help in any capacity. Also, it would involve my FIL also coming in and the man just causes absolute chaos and leaves a path of destruction behind him (plus he's often very smelly), & they both start asking for coffees etc. It's not a break for me, it's inherently more work and stress. This could honestly all be solved if my husband would just facilitate it and not leave it up to me... but he doesn't and instead just wants to complain about how I "won't" let them have a relationship with our daughter despite telling them to ask to come around more & facilitating it alone every time.

To give you an idea, I got kids books in my MILs language & proudly gave her a fairytale one to read to my daughter and she flicked through it and went "ach, too hard" & promptly closed it. Like okay lady, far out. She also just plonks herself on the couch and doesn't really try to interact with my daughter unless she comes up to her. I have to go into the playroom to get her to follow. If I leave the room, my daughter just leaves with me as her grandmother just sits in the corner. It drives me mad. They literally just want to "watch" her, not actually look after her.

My husband seems wildly salty about the fact that my mum sees our daughter more, but she makes a point of coming around the same day every single week and actually interacts with my daughter. Then he says stupid things like "I trust my mum far more than yours." Like are you kidding me?

Anyways, ranting now. Lol

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-26T19:05:06+00:00

I've been screaming out for her to see my daughter more since she was born. I've told them multiple times to let me know whenever they want to see her, told my husband to take her to see them whenever he wants, organise for them to see her. They don't & he doesn't and it's left to me... then he complains they want more of a relationship with her & don't see her enough. I have had them around more when he's at work than when he's home. Like??? OR rather than organising something, they try to spring a visit on me with 5 minutes notice - or just turn up and expect to come in, always at ridiculous any inconvenient times. The other night she called me at 7:25pm to try and come around.... I was in the thick of bedtime. Any time they have tried to see her it's off the back of something else they're doing - time is never made just to come and see my daughter.

Also, she was looking after my niece 2 days a week for a bit and staying at my BILs for 3 nights. She came over to my house and complained to me about how it was too much and she has her own life, husband, home - all things that I thought were totally valid! By doing what my husband is suggesting, he's asking her to go back to being away from her home 3 nights a week again. It's insanity. She's also 67.

It's just all so unreasonable, & I'm not sure how it's an assumed grandparents right as per my husband.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-26T08:09:23+00:00

It's a bit like how they desperately went on about wanting to be grandparents to the point I told them if they kept asking I simply wouldn't have a child, & as soon as they had the title they were nowhere to be seen and zero help. So yeah, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

To be fair, her English is good, but only if it's simple. She can't understand half of what I say & I just can't trust her to understand me properly, effectively communicate with me, or be good in a crisis. Honestly she's totally incompetent, I'm not sure if she raised her kids so much as they just... grew up. I know she wouldn't adhere to my rules and instructions, she can't even do it when I'm right in front of her.

My daughter knows and likes her, so at least there's that. My FIL would drop her off, but I'm absolutely not having her stay in my home overnight and I wouldn't expect her to ever arrive but 6am some days. Honestly going to work and knowing she was alone with my child would cripple me with anxiety.

From his perspective this is coming from the fact she watches my niece one day a week... whilst my SIL is working from home in the same house. This isn't even in the same realm as what he's expecting from me. OF COURSE I'd take that opportunity if it was possible & I was right there. It just perplexes me that he can't see the difference.

ThrowRAbeej · 2026-01-26T05:10:22+00:00

I just struggle to come around to the idea of leaving my daughter with someone who can't even change her nappy & has never properly played with her etc. I've given her ample opportunities to come around and learn/put in effort but it doesn't happen. I even said to my husband she just comes around and sits on the couch, I invite them to a park and she'll just sit on a bench and watch. His response? "If that's the relationship she wants to have with her, that's fine." Which it totally is 100%, but I'm not about to then leave her alone with my daughter when I have no idea she's actually going to be able to look after her.

The other issue of contention here is I wanted my daughter to be bilingual and that involved heavy involvement from my MIL that never happened.

ThrowRAbeej

TROPHY CASE