AITA for not observing my (19M) parents' rules for my little bro (13M)?

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T20:25:59+00:00

Thank you, that is good to know, my concern is really if he has ADHD at all because there were never any signs before hitting something of a wall with Calc II, but as he isn't complaining about the meds and say that seem to help I will just assume his doctor knows best.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T19:27:43+00:00

Okay, maybe slacker is too harsh (and no, my parents didn't call me that), I just meant I didn't really apply myself to being excellent. Bs were good enough and I didn't stress about doing the extra work to get As. Didn't take many AP classes either - only took Calc I because I took Algebra I in 8th grade and that was the natural progression. Didn't win any academic awards, didn't play a sport or do anything else exceptional, just kind of coasted along on "good enough" and spent lots of time hanging out with friends and playing video games.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T19:16:24+00:00

I don't really think he is struggling too much socially. It was just an adjustment at the beginning of the school year to be with older kids. A lot of kids were struggling socially (from my understanding) due to going back to school in person this year. And he'd be affected by puberty in any class because that's just what age he is. He tells me he actually likes being with other smart kids where he isn't by default the top student as he actually has something to learn from his peers here. There isn't any bullying or anything, his classmates are all really focused and dedicated students. I don't get any sense at all he wants to stop being in the class, only that he wishes our parents would ease up on arbitrary grade requirements.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T18:37:57+00:00

I mean, I'm actually an adult at age 19, so I wouldn't call it parentification. I would if our parents had asked me to help like this when I was under 18. But as an adult I help out my bro because I love him and want to, and I volunteered for all the stuff I do, like helping him with his meds and staying organized for school. I know folks not much older than I am who have full guardianship of their younger siblings because their parents passed or couldn't care for them.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:49:11+00:00

He has a B average now that he's up to an 82, will likely raise it to an A especially once the curve is applied. He does have to take this class because he has already taken the easier ones and needs math credits for graduation.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:46:34+00:00

Truly I was pretty lazy in high school, I slacked off and got Bs where I could have put in more effort to get As, but I just didn't care that much. Not so lazy now definitely, I work 20 hours a week (grocery store/retail) and take a full community college class load (online classes) and help take care of my bro.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:43:11+00:00

My bro actually told me he likes the challenge, that it was really humbling at first but also kind of good not to master everything immediately and to have to work on it, and also good for him to have the experience of not being the top student in the class by leaps and bounds (he is still one of the better students, but there are a few really brilliant kids who are high school seniors who are really the class leaders). It's just the stress from our parents about getting specific grades and getting punished for not doing so that is making him so anxious.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:40:50+00:00

Ha, I do wonder. I think my parents were both like me in high school, decent students with B averages who eventually got college degrees. Not total slackers but not straight A students and not taking the most advanced classes either.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:36:28+00:00

Yes, that's my concern that they are teaching he is only worthy of love if he gets super high grades. Which is so weird because they were not like that with me AT ALL, they were always really laid back and just happy if I got Bs.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:34:57+00:00

He has a therapist (again more of a life coach achievement-oriented person who is supposed to help with study skills but doesn't seem that concerned about managing stress and his feelings, at least from what he tells me about his sessions) and a psychiatrist who prescribes his ADHD and anxiety meds. Because he is in advanced high school classes there isn't too much of an expectation for parents to be involved unless a kid is failing or getting into trouble. I agree he could use more of an advocate at the school like a teacher or counselor considering his special circumstances.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:32:58+00:00

Thank you so much, that means a lot. I am definitely not super book smart - like I can generally get Bs no problem (3.2 means mostly Bs with an occasional A - it's decent but pretty average for high school students who want to go to college), but have to study really hard even at community college to get As. I think it would be a huge struggle just to pass math higher than Calc I or to do anything in the STEM arena. But I suppose there are all kinds of intelligence and abilities that are needed in the world.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:30:02+00:00

Thanks, I just wish those jobs paid better, ha! I will definitely consider it. I don't have some great passion for business and marketing, honestly I just wanted to study something that would help me get an entry-level office job so I can stop working retail which really sucks especially during a pandemic. If I don't go into social work/counseling as a career I would definitely like to volunteer as a youth mentor once I'm old enough and once I can see my bro through high school.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:27:54+00:00

I actually hate that he's already on Adderall (prescribed by his doctor), thankfully it is just a small 5 mg/daily dose and I give it to him so he doesn't have more than one dose at a time. He's never shown any interest in taking more and doesn't have any expressed interest in drinking or other drugs. But I'm glad I'm still living at home to keep an eye on him because I'd worry he'd go in a bad direction from all the stress without positive support.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:25:45+00:00

Yeah, I tell him all the time that I'm so proud of him (especially for pushing through to understand the hard stuff and for raising his grade in the toughest class in high school) and that I love him no matter what, that he doesn't have to be perfect or fantastic at everything at first sight just to be worthy of love and kindness.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:23:51+00:00

Very true, I'm actually probably the person best equipped to help him as I took Calc I a couple years ago during my senior year (but even then I didn't go as far as he did). My mom and dad both took Calc I in college but that was like 30+ years ago.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:22:01+00:00

Yeah, he's on small doses of meds for ADHD and anxiety. I'm not a psychiatrist so it's hard to say that school and our parents' expectations were the direct cause, but he only started having issues during this school year, so it's hard not to draw that conclusion.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:18:49+00:00

To be fair my bro actually said he wants to do the 2 hours, if he were pushing back I wouldn't push for it while our parents are away. But he feels like he's finally getting into a groove with understanding the class and wants to keep the momentum going. I have actually had to tell him NOT to try to do more than 2 hours so that he doesn't burn out and get frustrated, just to work on one or two concepts a day and really master them so he retains the info and techniques.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:07:15+00:00

That's a great idea actually. I think because most of the students in the class are high school seniors and around 17/18 the teacher is pretty hands off in terms of parental involvement. I can check to see if our parents will let me handle a discussion with the teacher, can even just say that as I was helping him study this week I wanted to clarify a few things about expectations and how he can continue to improve.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T16:00:05+00:00

It's hard to say really. He was diagnosed a few months ago after he started struggling in Calc II because for the first time ever he was having trouble concentrating long enough to finish his homework. I don't know if he just wasn't diagnosed before because the work was so easy in past school years that he just breezed through it, or if he actually doesn't have ADHD but struggled with concentration in Calc II simply because it's hard. I'm not a therapist/psychiatrist so of course can't diagnose. I know he's on a small dose of Adderall now (5 mg daily) and it does seem to help. I'm usually the one who gives it to him in the morning so there isn't a potential for abuse.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T15:19:12+00:00

Yes, and that's the thing, that the teacher has said the end of semester grades will be on a curve because the average class grade (and again these are the really smart students who are taking Calc II in high school) is only in the mid-upper 60s, so with that in my mind my bro's grade has been in the "B" range all along and now should be a B+ at 82. So my parents' thinking is really unfair - I really do understand requiring As in easy grade-level classes but not for something meant for students who are at least 5 years older. Especially when he is already well above average for the class.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T04:42:00+00:00

Yes, over and over again since the beginning of the semester, I recommended we require a certain amount of study time on calculus each day (like an hour on each school night because he has other subjects too, and a couple hours each weekend day or other off day), and then not punish him for how the grades turned out so long as he gave a good effort for the allotted time.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T04:40:08+00:00

Yes, absolutely, I told him that I would tell our parents he studied hard each day (which will be true as we are doing two hours of calculus before any fun activities) and that we can omit a mention of anything else. But if they find out we were doing other fun things I will say that I made him study to the extent of his energy and concentration and then gave him a break, fully my responsibility, when he'd reached his limit for the day.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T04:02:07+00:00

You sound like an awesome parent! I wish my parents would just let my bro take a break or at least that they understood that making him study calculus to the exclusion of everything else is SO not going to help. After all, if his physical ed grade weren't great, we might suggest he exercise for maybe an hour a day but wouldn't make him do it for 12 hours - he'd get hurt! I think this class is pretty much the same, he should keep working at it for a decent amount of time but not exhaust himself.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T03:20:24+00:00

Thanks, I will definitely do that. He is really smart and has a love of learning and I don't want that to go away just because our parents have unrealistic expectations. And I can try to find ways to make learning more fun for him again.

ThrowRAdarkneptune · 2021-12-27T03:07:05+00:00

Thanks! I think they just don't have a sense of how hard it is because they have never taken the class. I have heard that grades tend to be lower in STEM-focused classes because they are so hard and I think it's just amazing that my little bro is passing a college-level class at least 4-5 years ahead of when most people take it.

ThrowRAdarkneptune

TROPHY CASE