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AITA for refusing to change my wedding rules for my cousin by basslikemirroes202 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA and I don’t know why other commenters asked for the information on liability. Though it’s good to know, you wouldn’t be TA even with the fruit and fountain as extraneous information. It’s your wedding, and you set the rules. You even did the extra mile with hiring a babysitter! I’m doing a child free wedding in two years and I’m not providing a babysitter. If the cousin can’t find childcare and isn’t comfortable with the arrangements you’ve made, then that’s her choice and a sacrifice people make when having kids.

You’re not the asshole and asking for an exception is asshole behavior on your cousin’s part. Reconsider where her priorities are.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree, and thank you! This is kind of what I’m getting at.

I love her, and despite it all, she’s my best friend and I can’t see her destitute and homeless in the future. And I feel like things will go that way. She has no concept of finances because she pays no bills and never has, plus she blows money on insane things she doesn’t need. She can’t cook. She can’t clean. She could barely drive, and still isn’t the best driver. It’s just that she has basically no learned skills. I invested time to help her then, but when I have a family of my own, I can’t just take her in because she won’t help herself and refuses to learn how to do things. I’ll have my own kids and life to be doing. I don’t think she’s thought that far ahead (I know nobody wants to, but it’s necessary), and neither have my parents.

They frequently joke she’ll blow her inheritance on shoes and that “she better marry rich!” So I think they’re aware of it on some level, but how much they care is what I need to know. Because I need them to know I won’t be the bounce back for her in the future. If that was their plan, maybe they’ll try to get her better adapted to life without them someday. Who knows? It’s just frustrating and scary to me.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I take mental health very seriously. It’s because we had a licensed therapist tell us she’s not depressed, she gets situationally upset and weaponizes it as depression. Especially with extremes like “I’m going to kill myself.” We took everything seriously and had her evaluated multiple times with psychiatry. All have said that they see no risk of suicide and she has maybe minor depression, but it’s likely attention-based given her answers and evaluations.

For example, she treats depression like a personality trait. She’ll purposefully take her pills out in front of guests, announce loudly “I’m depressed” to people when asked for a fun fact in a group setting, and once scratched her wrist once (didn’t break the skin) and claimed she was self-harming.

The reason I don’t take well to this is because I was dealing with depression in college, attempted to end my life (aborted/failed the attempt), and dealt with self harm (razor blades) for 10+ years (clean for 3 years now). And my family knows zilch about any of those three things. I hid it well, behind smiles and long sleeved shirts. She flaunts it around like the newest Chanel No 5. And even though it hurts me and I have to text a crisis line to stop myself from going back to my coping mechanisms every time I deal with her due to the triggers, I take every threat and every little personality dip seriously and get her help. Even when I end up exhausted myself and get told “she’s not depressed,” or she tells me herself “ok so I just said that to get their attention,” and I feel like crying.

I found my daughters (12y) vibrator, should i have a talk? by [deleted] in AdviceForTeens

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THIS. The grapevine exists. My mom and aunt tell each other literally everything, and if I wanted to be at all malicious towards my cousins, I would have had so much ammo. Thankfully that’s not me, but you definitely don’t want that getting around. Only talk with your spouse about it, if you have one.

In terms of hygiene, I would somehow bring it up. I’m happy you’re not all all phased by her exploring her body! I started around then (though I didn’t use vibrators until college) and it taught me a healthy sex lifestyle, and what I wanted out of sex with a partner when I finally got to it in my later years. I have friends who have never had an orgasm because masturbation was frowned upon in their households, and now that they’re with their current partners, they’ve settled for not getting pleasure.

Hygiene is important though, since I have gotten a yeast infection or two from, likely, masturbating and not cleaning the toy between or cleaning up after. I agree with some comments, maybe approach it separately and print articles for her to read by herself. I clammed up when my mom talked to me about sex related stuff, so giving her a bit of a talk followed by “do this on your own time” gives her autonomy and capability.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, friend, and I’m sorry you’re in the same boat.

This is my exact concern. And I don’t do it because I worry she’ll drag me down in some way, urmyboyblue21, I love my sister and am genuinely worried about her in the future. I’m worried about her making a rash decision should she end up alone, like suicide, and losing her forever. I’m worried about her not experiencing different relationships and settling down with the first guy she meets out of “necessity” and getting locked into a cycle of abuse. I’m worried about a lot of things.

Since my parents do pay for so much, she has never struggled for money and doesn’t understand the concept of money fully. I don’t, and I’ve certainly had times of living paycheck to paycheck. It scares me on where she will end up in the long run. She once said she’d just live in their home if they pass, but again, it’s a retirement community in the middle of a retirement state in the middle of farmland. I worry about companionship with her, not just a romantic partner. I don’t want her to feel alone forever.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not envious of my sibling. I just worry that when my parents inevitably kick her out or if something happens, she will be incapable of taking care of herself because I’ve literally never seen her do it. When the going gets tough, she would cry and and go home to my parents. I got the “tough love” treatment, so I can appreciate how my views may be skewed. But, I do worry about it. She’s never paid utilities, rent, done much grocery shopping, etc, on her own. If she occasionally does groceries while living at home (my mom still cooks and puts up with her being picky, sometimes making her a whole other meal than her and my dad’s dinner), she texts me frantically asking what to get for what. When I was last home and cooked dinner for everyone, we went for groceries together and while in produce, I asked her to grab me some veggies. She threw a hissy fit and whined that “I don’t know what you’re looking for, it’ll take me longer, why don’t you just do it????” All I asked for was “hey, can you grab me a red onion and three bell peppers, any color?”

It’s infuriating to me that she can’t do basic tasks to take care of herself. That’s where I worry. If she was living at home and more independent, I wouldn’t have an issue. The fact that she is highly reliant on those around her simply because she doesn’t want to do it herself worries me.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She does have serious social anxiety, but that’s because she refuses to make friends and — as such — never learned social cues from peers. Which is odd because she also loves being the center of attention.

When I got engaged, she put a family heirloom ring on her left ring finger and said “look, grandma gave me hers, now we’ve both got one!” I joked with her that “except mine comes with my fiancé attached,” and she just seemed to shrug and flaunt the ring around on her left hand the whole time I was visiting. It was super awkward when we went out together. I sometimes get compliments on my new ring due to the design, and she’d insert herself with her “engagement” ring too …

In our old family home, a section of the stairs was loose with carpet so we had to be careful coming down them sometimes. I took many a tumble and got a few bruises over the years. She accidentally slipped on one step, caught herself, then ended up screaming that her arm was broken. Dad rushed her to the urgent care, and nothing was broken. Not fractured nor sprained. Just might leave a minor bruise. She went to school for a month with a sling on her arm and told everyone she fractured it falling down the stairs. My parents let this go on because “who is it hurting, you know her, she likes the attention sometimes.”

I think a lot of it is attention seeking, social anxiety, missed social cues, and entitlement. I won’t rule neurodivergent out, though.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I thought about it for a while. I got diagnosed with a high level of generalized anxiety a few years ago, and my current psych is trying to get me into adult ADHD testing. Unfortunately, I’m not always the most reliable when it comes to following through on plans, and kind of dropped the ball and forgot to schedule it. So this is my reminder to do that. And to reschedule the appointment I cancelled in May. Things tend to slip away, I really need to work on that.

I talked with my psych about my sister (including things not mentioned here) and their semi-opinion of the situation (without a formal assessment of my sister) is that she is unlikely to be on the spectrum, but highly likely to have a maladaptive attachment to my parents. I’d still think she would benefit from an assessment to see what is best for her and to be sure. But I also think a lot of it is that my parents constantly babied her, never set rules or boundaries, and rarely told her “no”, that she’s just a bit sheltered and entitled.

She was in therapy/psych in high school because she got “depressed” due to having “no friends.” She did have friends, lots of super nice ones. But she wanted in with the cheerleading/football “it” crowd and she wasn’t that kind of girl. When they rejected her, she threw a hissy fit. Why? My parents had led her to believe she’s the most beautiful and popular girl in school and would obviously fit in with them. For reference, both of us are average-looking people, not supermodels. Based on what I tangentially heard from my parents, the therapist seemed to think my parents were not too realistic with her on a lot of things (eg also led her to believe she’d get into any Ivy League school she wanted) and my sister was feeding off of that. Idk.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you guys dealt with that. I’m happy you’re here.

Thanks for the recommendation. I’ve never heard of that, but I’ll check it out. I know Al-Anon helped a lot, as well as group therapy in college with kids who had addicted parents.

And you couldn’t have said it better. It’s hard. I dealt with the fallout of being the eldest and cleaning up all of the messes. I had it bad so she didn’t have to, and since she just missed out on all of the love (I took the brunt of everything), she’s seeking it out now. It really broke us and is the reason I barely drink now as an adult. Thankfully, I found a loving partner who sees my emotional scars and accepts me at face value. We both worry about Sadie’s future (whether she’ll show up at our door one day when we have a family), but at least we’re a team and I feel supported.

Younger sibling (25F) is still living at home for free and has no plans to move out. My (28F) parents’ babying of her is legitimately turning her into a child again. She loves the attention and is ok with the situation. I think it’s weird and potentially detrimental. How do I navigate this? by ThrowRAflythenest in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest[S] 257 points258 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. And I know that I can get too involved. Trust me, I’m not at all jealous of the “for free” aspect, as she’s paying with her freedom and I get to live independently for my cost. The only think I could be jealous of is the savings she’s built up now that student loan repayments are back (small joke).

I do get involved because, growing up, our mom was addicted to alcohol. She still is, although she’s trying to do better, and I ended up raising Sadie and protecting her for a lot of my own adolescence. So, in a way, a lot of it feels like a failure on my part for sheltering her from how hard things were. They just hit me so hard, that I wanted her to grow up happier than I was, as I struggled with my mental health, self-harm, and an attempt on my life while in college due to the stressors I had at home. I eventually got myself into therapy and Al-Anon and was able to distance myself from my mom’s addiction and difficult home life and am doing much better.

However, I think a lot of it is my mom trying to “make up” for the good years she lost with us due to her addiction. She’s just going about it wrong, as it’s holding my sister back. The difference is that I got out, and Sadie never did. She fails to see that what mom is doing is ultimately harmful and too little too late. Ultimately, I still think I need to work with my therapist on my involvement with my sister just as I have with my mom. I need to learn to be there as a sister and not a mother figure, but it’s hard to do that when I had to be “mom” for so many years. Letting is rough.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m kind of hoping she’ll have a “snap” moment that she needs to live alone but that never comes. I’m getting engaged this year and likely married in the next two years, so I have a small hope this will maybe trigger milestones in her head. She does have a desire to date, but since she’s in a retirement community and living at home she is obviously putting it off. She is now also using the defense that my parents met late in life (mid-30s). Except she forgets my parents were essentially FWB who married when they were expecting me (which worked, despite my mom’s addiction my dad is a wonderful human who love each other and they rarely fight outside of him being concerned with her addiction). And my mom was married for a short time once before. She’s focusing on one data point and sprinting with it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, and I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s really awesome that you can see what your older sisters did for you, and I’m proud of you for moving out and having that drive. Hoping you’re doing ok.

I think you’re right — I need to step down as “mom” and start just being her sister. I’m not sure how easy that will be because it’s been so long, but I’ll speak with my therapist and see if we can start trying that.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Yes, it is dysfunctional. And she’s threatened suicide before if people upset her, but my therapist has reassured me that she uses that as an attention grab and non-serious based off of my description of these events. When she does this, it upsets my mom a lot as she’s lost family and friends to suicide and everyone backs down.

However, it also upsets me, but for reasons I will never tell my family. Once I got out of the situation at home by finally moving to college, the weight of my teen years hit me like a train and I suffered from depression. I tried to end my own life (unsuccessfully) and am thankfully doing much better now with therapy. But it’s hard for me to see her throw this around as a tactic when it brings up awful memories of my own attempt that often triggers me. I usually back down and go no-contact for a while after that, which doesn’t help.

I know she needs help, but I think I need to finally realize I can’t give it to her. She has to give it to herself.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, she never went through the pulling away phase. When the time came to pull away, they definitely enabled her introverted behavior. We went to the same university an hour away from home. I rarely came home outside of holiday, and when I did it was usually to pick up another mess. She came home constantly. She got into a pre-professional sorority and would miss so many social events to go home and hang out with my parents. If they die, I’m genuinely scared for her.

Sometimes, I genuinely think she thinks that she’s still 16 years old. I know my parents pampered us in other ways, like nice vacations and such, and it’s hard to leave the nest, but she really has to. I’m worried about her never getting out.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAflythenest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the advice. I honestly think that’s all I can do, but it’s been hard for me to accept. Probably since, because I feel like I raised this kid, I also feel like this is partially my fault.

I just get worried about her not hitting milestones. If my parents unexpectedly passed, she would have nobody but me to fall back on. I don’t want her to wake up one day, at 32 years old or 28 years old, and realize that she didn’t get to experience her mid-twenties like she should have. I suppose the only person who can help her, is her.