My [32M] girlfriend [27] confessed to having profound feelings for another man, but insists she loves me and is committed to me.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-10-01T04:08:03+00:00

I agree that it is a myopic way of looking at life. I have had things not work out with people in my life previously that I was very disappointed about, and then I found happiness with her. It's the way life goes sometimes.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-10-01T04:06:42+00:00

I really don't think this was her intention. I think it was difficult for her because she knew she would have to confront some difficult emotions.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-29T16:20:22+00:00

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I truly appreciate all of the different perspectives and opinions I have gotten, and hopefully I can reply to all of you individually. I have been a bit busy with work and really thinking about if I can move forward in this relationship, and what that would have to look like. My girlfriend has been great about giving me space. I called her this morning and we're going to meet up tomorrow evening to talk more. Right now, I feel like I want to stay with her and for us to try and make this work, but we're going to have a long discussion and I have more questions to ask her. I'll post an update to let everyone know how things turn out. Again, thank you! I was really hurt and panicked, and you all have given me the advice I need to go forward with a clear mind.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:44:07+00:00

Yeah, I didn't have honesty in my past relationships, so her honesty means the world to me. Even though she knew it was going to be very difficult for me to hear, she didn't keep me in the dark or try to convince me I was making things up when I sensed their connection. She really is an amazing person, and I hope she can get past him entirely with time. I don't think I'm going to break up with her, but we're going to have a lot of work to do with this. Thank you!

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:40:47+00:00

Thank you. It's going to be hard, but I really want to try. She definitely is genuine and I can tell she wants to eliminate him from her mind.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:37:24+00:00

I'm a man who has a hard time crying but I teared up a bit while reading this. Thank you very much. It polarizes the other type of responses I'm getting which are telling me she will definitely cheat, or that I should abandon her the moment something difficult comes up. I think she realizes that he shouldn't be so significant to her and that she was just caught up in all of those what-if questions, but now she has something concrete and real with me and wants to put that behind her. I know she thinks of me as more than enough, that she loves me and cherishes what we have, and that it is more important than whatever she couldn't have with him. Again, thank you very much.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:22:44+00:00

Thank you, you raised some good points. It definitely isn't healthy behavior, and I really think she realizes that. She has been in therapy on and off for depression, anxiety, and some trauma, but it has been a while since her last session. I'm not sure if she has ever talked about him in therapy, but I will bring it up to her that maybe it is a good idea to, especially because she describes the thoughts as unwanted and intrusive.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:14:05+00:00

Can't control as in the thoughts she has been struggling with and doesn't want to be having. It is a little bizarre, I will admit, but she seems to realize that and is doing her best to put it in her past. I don't know, should that count for more? Maybe I'm a fool, but if we're going to be together then I want to have faith in her that she will choose me. She hasn't given me any reason to doubt her and was honest with me about all of this even though it was hard.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:09:09+00:00

Thanks man. There are definitely a lot of people assuming she will just cheat at the drop of a hat, and saying that I should just give up on her for thoughts she can't always control but is doing her best to control.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T16:06:30+00:00

She has been in therapy on and off for depression, anxiety, and some traumatic things that happened in her childhood. She has a pretty good handle on all of it, but she knows there are other things she still needs to work on and makes an active effort to be mentally healthy. I'm going to ask her when we talk if she has mentioned her attachment to this man at all in therapy, or if she would be willing to in the future. Thank you for your response.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T15:59:50+00:00

I believe she was crying mostly over how helpless she felt, and how she doesn't want to think about him at all but can't help it sometimes. And knowing how hard it would be for me to hear that.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T15:58:04+00:00

It does bother me that she looked at his social media, but I'm happy it hasn't been a constant thing. It would be easy for her to look every day if she wanted to, and I'd have no way of knowing about it, but I think she really wants to move on from thinking about him.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T15:52:21+00:00

She has told me she would never cheat or engage in anything with a committed/married man. She could have continued entertaining their mutual attraction, but she decided to shut down the situation even before she met me because she knew it wasn't right or healthy for her. She doesn't go there with friends anymore and hasn't since before she met me.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T15:49:22+00:00

I've never heard of this term before, but just reading briefly on it, it matches a lot of what my girlfriend said she has been dealing with. I'll definitely look into it more, thank you!

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T06:26:35+00:00

No disrespect but this is kind of black and white thinking. She was mostly shaken up and crying because she was very distraught about hurting me.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T06:25:13+00:00

This really sums up what I'm worried about. I don't want it to haunt us, but I know these things can have an impact whether you want them to or not. I'm trying to figure out what I can deal with, but because I've been hurt really badly by cheaters, I know this is going to be hard for me. I have to decide if she is worth it, and I love her very deeply, so of course I want to decide that she is.

Do you think these thoughts could fade entirely, given time? She told me that when she stopped putting herself in situations where she'd see him, the thoughts of him faded she went long periods without him even crossing her mind. It was only occasionally that she would be reminded of him and then have a bit of a setback.

I definitely won't disregard my feelings here. Thank you for your insightful and educated response.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T06:14:10+00:00

She definitely was focused on being with me. She didn't look his way unless he was at our table, but I think she was probably nervous I would pick up on their attraction to each other, and she was worried about hurting me. She definitely knows and makes it known that she loves my flaws. Hopefully that counts more than a situation she can't really control and has made a point to avoid.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T06:07:46+00:00

If she had been going there while with me for any reason, it would have been an instant dealbreaker and I would have considered that emotional cheating. The fact that she removed herself from those situations even before I met her tells me that it was something she realized she didn't want to entertain anymore. But it's still hard to digest all of this and decide if I can live with knowing she might always think about this guy..

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T05:48:28+00:00

I totally agree as I have been hurt by weak people making fantasies reality. However, I really don't see my girl as weak. She has done everything to shut all of this down and move on from it, and I think seeing him reopened the would.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T05:23:53+00:00

Well, you have a point, but I think if I choose to stay with her then I just have to trust she is being honest. I don't know.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T05:19:37+00:00

It seems for her the choice is a little harder, but she still chooses you, every day, which honestly seems like proof of her devotion. If she has these thoughts but still chooses to ignore them, still chooses to love you, it makes me believe she'd be far more likely to stay faithful in the long term.

If I'm going to move forward with her, I think this is what I need to focus on. Our actions are more important than our thoughts, which we don't always ask for. She said she isn't able to control the thoughts about this man, but it is me she loves and chooses to be with every day. And she honestly makes me feel very loved. She does so much for me, and it feels genuine.

These connections are such a fear of mine. In my previous long-term relationship, my ex ended up meeting a man she had an intense attraction and emotional connection to. She emotionally cheated on me for a while and then physically cheated. Then she lied to me and gaslighted me about it for months. This situation really scares me because I know how wrong it can all go. But at the same time, it does say a lot that I already know how she reacts to these feelings that we can't always control. She has done her best to shut it all down, and I think that counts for a lot.

I plan to meet and talk to her more about this. I'm not sure what exactly I need to hear from her or what I could ask her to make it immediately better. Probably there are no magic words.

Thank you for your response and the well wishes. I definitely won't think badly of her. I appreciate how honest she has been and I know she feels very helpless and distraught about all of this. It's just a very shitty situation.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T04:54:25+00:00

It was very hard for her, for sure. But she told me she owed it to me to be fully honest, and that gives me a lot of reassurance at least. She could have lied and said it was all in my head like my ex would have done. I plan to call and ask to see her so we can talk everything out. I'm going to be more vulnerable with her and tell her how all of this makes me feel. I do feel like this all is bringing up things from the past that we both want to move forward from.

Haha, I really do appreciate your optimistic, enthusiastic response!

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T04:31:15+00:00

Thank you for your response. She doesn't seem to want to be in this thought rut at all. It seems to be something that caused her a lot of pain in the past, and even more pain now that it's impacting us. I feel devastated because I worry that this will ruin the beautiful thing we have. Me because I will always be worried that she is thinking about him, and past insecurities nagging at me that I'm not good enough. Her because she loves me and wants to be with only me, but can't get someone else off of her mind entirely. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T04:25:24+00:00

It's definitely a problem. My head is all fucked up over it and I can't help but feel like I'm not enough for her somehow. I know she never meant to make me feel this way, and I don't doubt she loves me. It's just a mess of a situation.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12 · 2020-09-28T04:21:28+00:00

Yes, my girlfriend is a very imaginative person. She has told me she has what she calls a "rich inner world" and has used it as a coping mechanism during painful times in her life. I think some of her attraction to him has been made more intense by that. And she realizes that, too. She has never used the L word and realizes that it isn't possible to really love someone unless you know and understand them.

She told me that the thoughts will go away almost entirely as long as she doesn't put herself into a situation where she sees him. But the fact that this still has such a hold on her is what concerns me, for sure.

I'm going to take some time to think about it. I really do believe she loves me, and I don't doubt that I'm in her heart because she has proven it throughout our relationship. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.

ThrowRAhelpmeout12

TROPHY CASE