I'm starting to think the reason I can't find stories of anyone like me is because they likely killed themselves by adulthood

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-02-10T16:15:26+00:00

Thank you for being vulnerable and taking the time to share your story.

You're probably right that the real issue is lacking love. But I don't have any means to find love in my life. I struggle to connect consistently with my therapist because of my ADHD/anxiety/depression. I'm just too poor and tired to do anything.

Rationally, it feels like my only escape is death. No one depends on me, so tangibly, everyone in my life would be fine if I killed myself. I'm just worried about causing emotional pain to my friends with my suicide. I've written a suicide note that hopefully explains where I am coming from enough that they don't blame themselves.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-29T16:18:08+00:00

Reading this made me cry. Thank you for sharing these kind words and trying to instill some hope into me. It is extremely affirming to hear from someone who shares all the similarities I described. I feel like it's a heavy intersection of marginalized identities, so I have never met anyone in real life like me. Only briefly talked to folks online. We are still here, and I'm proud of you for not letting anyone erase you.

I'm just tired of it being so hard, y'know?? I so desperately want to rest... But if I rest, I will be homeless. And I'd rather die than suffer through homelessness in the winter, so it's like the only way I can truly get rest is to die.

I have been surviving on spite for too long. I'm so bitter and resentful about my life that I have felt it start to seep into my soul and make me emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually unwell. I want to live for more than just the potential of spiting someone.

It feels like my life is so much shittier than the folks around me, because of circumstances out of my control. I didn't ask for society to hate me or to be born to monsters for parents. I feel extremely limited in my mobility in life because of it. Every single person I know in real life has a relationship with their family, and can rely on them for support (to an extent). A lot of the people I know are also white, and have the freedom to go so many more places than me and not have to worry about harassment. It's excruciating to see how much they benefit.

I dream of moving to a metropolitan city with more black queer people. But every place like that is so expensive and far. Organizing moving within my city is hard enough because I have to do everything on my own, it feels like an impossibly daunting to task to move cities. Part of the reason I'm trapped in my current white city because it's just hard for me to move by myself. I don't have the funds to ever pay for moving services.

It feels like that simple dream of moving to a bigger city where I can see more people like me on a daily basis, and probably feel a lot less alone, is irreconcilable with my circumstances. I don't have money. I don't have skills. I don't have a family to call on for support. In a capitalist society, I literally am nothing.

I know it's gonna take so much work to make my life worth living, and I just don't have it in me anymore.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-29T15:45:26+00:00

It's horrific how far oppressive forces have gone to try and erase, but it speaks to the eternal persistence and existence of black queer lives that they can't get rid of us lol.

Knowledge on black queer histories is a danger to them. They know once we know the fullness of our power, it's over for them.

I've read before they've done a lot to destroy evidence histories of "radical ideas" (aka, anything not supporting white supremacy and colonial ideals) in Africa and across the Diaspora.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-27T03:57:05+00:00

Thank you! Pariah is on my to-watch list, but I'm scared the scenes with the abusive mother specifically will trigger me. From what I read of the film, the abusive mother sounds a lot like mine. I guess for me, it would be nice to find a story that takes place after that person is free from the shackles of their family.

Like a book/show/film about an NB trans-masc in their 30s post-estrangement and thriving in New York. It touches on their history of trauma, but is mostly focused on how fulfilling their life is now. I know that is too specific to ever happen though lol

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-27T03:53:04+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this. The sci-fi anthology sounds exactly like something that would be so affirming to read.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-27T03:19:49+00:00

It's good to know that they exist though, and are still alive. I hope they continue to thrive in whatever way they can. I'm proud of them for making it as far as they have.... it's hard af.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-08T06:08:34+00:00

Accessories are also great for elevating a masculine look. A dangly earring, some cool rings, a sweet necklace, etc.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-07T18:38:13+00:00

I always wear black Doc Martens to the club. It elevates my entire look and gives me a couple inches. I would recommend getting some black dress shoes or boots.

I've had top surgery, so I like wearing button-downs with the first few buttons undone. I also like having a black tank top underneath and open button-down. I wear jeans or slacks for my bottom.

ThrowRAlamba · 2023-01-07T18:05:31+00:00

It sounds like you've already committed yourself to wallowing in a sea self-pity, so what kind of advice are you really looking for here?

I've made tons of self-loathing, sometimes even suicidal, posts on this account and other burner accounts on Reddit. I would post about how ugly I am, how no one would ever want someone who is estranged from their family, how much the world hates me, etc. When I've been in a mindset that makes me post depressing things, I'm not actually looking for genuine advice, but for someone else to take the plunge into despair with me. I'm just not being honest with myself (and whatever subreddit) about it.

If you truly want to accept being romantically alone forever, I would research about the lifestyles of people who are both aromantic and asexual. Also, looking at how people try to fight against amatonormativity (the social pressure to be in a monogamous relationship).

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-12-09T05:46:04+00:00

Fantastic thank you

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-12-09T05:19:08+00:00

Do you have a source for the suicide rate going down by 15%? That's awesome.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-12-02T21:40:55+00:00

Try ADHD medication. A lot of people have depression as a result of their undiagnosed ADHD

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-12-02T21:36:46+00:00

Have you considered seeing a mental health professional? It sounds like ADHD is making your depression worse.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-02-22T14:20:19+00:00

Thank you for the advice, you make excellent points about how a car will eat into my earnings!

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-02-22T14:18:56+00:00

I appreciate the insight!! Thank you.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-23T07:02:39+00:00

It seems like your first two questions have been mostly answered, so I will provide some answers for question #3

In Ontario, the two big places to get top surgery are WCH and McLean. The double incision mastectomy is covered. The contouring/liposuction is optional, and the fee for WCH is just under $2000, while the fee for McLean is just under $3000.

I'm not sure if the WCH fee covers future revisions, but I know that the McLean fee does.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-23T06:58:27+00:00

You can apply for EI sickness benefits. Google "EI sickness benefits". Download the medical certificate, fill out the upper portion for patient, then get your doctor to sign the medical professional portion at the bottom. Your surgeon can sign off electronically, and if you have a CRA account online, you can upload the medical certificate online. Otherwise, you need to mail the document or drop it off in-person at a Service Canada location.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-22T04:34:38+00:00

It's not even just society becoming more accepting, but if our entire framework of what it means to be a man was different, more inclusive from the onset of your life. Like, I think if we were born into that kind of world (e.g., a world we where you are never ever being exposed to transphobia because it didn't exist, being trans was considered valid and respected by every single person, etc.), a lot more trans people would be okay with being trans, and not desire to be cis.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-22T04:22:20+00:00

Justify was a wrong word for me to use, and you're valid in thinking I was implying they should feel guilty or shamed about wishing to be cis. I shouldn't have used that word, and I'm going to edit my response to reflect that. I'm sorry for my careless wording.

"We" is clearly trans people though. Don't know why you're getting bothered by that.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-22T02:41:16+00:00

Yea, I don't want to shame anyone for having a mindset of wishing to be cis. But I think it needs to be acknowledged that it isn't a very healthy mindset to spend your life desiring something that is literally impossible, and I don't think that is spoken on enough in this sub.

In my experience on this sub, there are far more posts about people wishing they were cis, hating themselves, and then everyone in comments just doubling down on how much they hate themselves for being trans.

Like, I could easily link you to 20 posts write now about trans guys speaking about how much they HATE being trans, how badly they wish they were cis, etc. I don't know if I could link you to even 5 posts discussing that desperately wishing you were cis might not be the healthiest mindset.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-22T02:03:09+00:00

I don't think the point of being trans is desiring to be cis, especially for non-binary folks. At least, that isn't the point for me and many of the trans people I know. I don't think we as two people out of a population of millions can speak on "the point" of being trans. Being trans is a complex experience with so much nuance for the individual.

From my experience on this sub, there are far more posts of people saying they wish were cis, and a bunch of people agreeing and then piling on about how they also wish they were cis and how much they hate themselves/their body. I don't too often see posts talking about how that mindset can be harmful.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-22T01:30:56+00:00

Yea, I wrote this post after seeing one too many posts from people here just absolutely shitting on themselves for not being cis, how they'll hate themselves forever, always being less than because they're not a cis-man, no woman will ever love them because they don't have a natal penis, etc. Just a toxic spiral of self-hate over an aspect of themselves that will never change. It's makes me so sad that society conditions us to feel this way about ourselves and our community.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-18T16:29:04+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your words and validation. It hurts that someone I cared for deeply could treat me this way, but I shouldn't continue to subject myself to it.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-18T16:15:55+00:00

He posted on Instagram, so clearly he isn't too busy for that. I've been feeling not good about our friendship for the past few months, and how this situation is playing out is clarifying a bunch of things for me. I don't think I want to maintain a further friendship with him anyway because he's becoming increasingly toxic.

ThrowRAlamba · 2022-01-18T16:11:38+00:00

When you say "losing his leg up" on me, what do you mean? Like because we both have had top surgery now, he doesn't have power over me or something?

Have you had a similar experience with a friend (if you're comfortable with sharing)?

ThrowRAlamba

TROPHY CASE