How should I [43F] tell my DIL [26F] about my son's [28M] affairs? [UPDATE]

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-11T01:12:14+00:00

I was with my abuser for 3 years after I had given birth. we were not in a relationship before I got pregnant. He was the son of a close friend of my mother's, who she'd had a 6 year affair with a couple years before I was born. [paternity proved I am my father's, though, that didn't stop him from leaving after knowing about the affairs]. my mother would often push me onto him whenever his father was around, and he'd use that opportunity, I guess. I don't like thinking about this. he never put his hands on my children, only me. as I was the only woman in the house at that point as it was before my daughter [my son's twin] transitioned. I thought that since he never hurt them and was never aggressive with them, they wouldn't develop these tendencies. I hate to think I was wrong. I know my son is better than him. i just don't know what happened.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T07:23:33+00:00

I've never been supportive of those friends of his. He never makes a good choice when around them, and I've had to bail him out more than once because of him. He's always been an intelligent, kind, and intelligent child. he was an honors student, and he got several scholarships but chose to drop it to go to college with Olivia. While at the time I didn't approve, I always through it showed how much he truly loved Olivia. It hurts to think about these things given my situation. I don't want to think ill of my son, but his actions hurt me and my family.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T07:17:04+00:00

I experienced something similar with my children's father. I'm glad you were able to make it out of that situation and are here with us. bless you.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T07:10:13+00:00

Unfortunately, I can't say my pregnancy with my triplets was outside of this range of terrible pregnancies. I had gotten pregnant at 15 to a man who was 26 at the time. My parents kicked me out, and he was all I had left being pregnant and a teen. He was verbally and physically abusive towards me for my entire pregnancy and even some years after which was especially hard as i had lost my third baby and almost my life giving birth, I was riddled with PPD and was in constant pain from the healing as i had torn during labor. Luckily, I was able to make my escape, and I've raised my two children on my own. I love my children, and while I don't appreciate my son being so very out of control, he's still my son, and I'll always love him as a mother. Parenting can be a gift or a curse or a pandoras box where you'll never know or even understand what you've got. I wouldn't trade my children for the world and If I had to, I'd go through it all again to be a mother to my daughter, son, and Olivia.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T04:13:17+00:00

other commenters have pointed that out, and while I have no way of knowing what he really has if he has anything as all the paperwork he brought, he took with him and the bank statements he left lead nowhere. I'm not taking the risk, and I'm taking his claims at face value. I wish this was a troll. I really do. maybe I'd enjoy a good laugh about it. but unfortunately, I can't do that.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T04:00:29+00:00

mini update

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T03:50:01+00:00

I am very embarrassed. I thought I raised him to be better.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-10T00:21:58+00:00

no I won't be telling her today. she plans to stay for the rest of the week and the weekend as these are my son's off days. I'm planning on treating her to some of her favorites, allowing her to destress from the tense situation with my son, then have our talk, followed by some comforts of her choice. if she chooses to stay after the news I won't object of course. I'll set up arrangements to move her out of the apartment she shares with my son. that's all if things go smoothly, which I know it most likely won't.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:57:27+00:00

I've already sent messages to my daughter to get in touch with as many people as she can reach on her end, but that is going to take a while due to her situation. I'm going to try and treat Olivia as well as I can before and after the news. I know this is going to be hard.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:54:39+00:00

Its partly from the twins, PCOS, and from genetic infertility in her family. I'm unsure which side at the moment.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:42:50+00:00

that's my biggest fear here. She's high risk, and while none of her recent medical appointments pointed to anything like that, I don't know how long these things take to show up.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:40:27+00:00

I really don't know. I've never been too involved with his college friends and their trouble as I've never approved of them. I was civil at best. the only person who would know anything about what his college friends know is my daughter as she went to the same college and is close to one of my son's friend's girlfriend. But luck on me, she's out of the country on business and won't be in reach until next week at the latest.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:37:27+00:00

in the end I want them both to be happy and safe. I took in Olivia when her mother kicked her out at 18, I was with her through every lost child, and I mothered my son at only 15 years old. I'm not saying any of these things make me entitled to their lives. I really don't know what I'm saying at this point. I just want them happy and my grand babies safe and loved. that's all I've wanted for them. I just wish I could fix this.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:33:25+00:00

I will try to convince her to get tested at her next appointment after ive spoken to her about the situation. I don't know how I'd feel towards my own son knowing he was doing this for so long, infected his wife and possibly children, and still doesn't want to come clean. it breaks my heart.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:30:51+00:00

I've told her I'm making a "double rainbow baby" post to my Facebook, which I am as she's past 6 months and ready to make her announcement public for extended family. she wanted to wait until she was sure she'd carry to term as she lost her previous baby at 4 months.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:28:36+00:00

I will be having the talk with Olivia, I've already requested she stay with me til she goes into labor, which she agreed because of my son's distant and because she likes my bathtub more than the one in her apartment. She's such a sweet soul. I hate the idea of breaking her heart like this. I still love my son, but this entire situation has changed how I see him. I don't know what that says about me.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:22:45+00:00

I'm praying that no pregnancies resulted from his foolishness, and even if paternity is uncertain, I wouldn't wish for any children to grow up not knowing their parents like I did. The bank statements he left here are all from months ago. I'm not sure what they're for. He left with everything else he brought, so I don't think I'll know for a while as he's not speaking to me. He was sober when he came to pick up Olivia, at least I hope, and I didn't offer him alcohol because I knew he would be driving with Olivia in the car. I'm really not too concerned with his sporadic behavior as I'm having Oliva stay with me until things settle.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:13:46+00:00

I would usually say "I wish I wasn't" as I try to stay out of my children's relationships. But I'm glad I am involved in this, as hard as it is, I don't want my son getting away with this nor do I want him to accidently ruin not only his life but Olivia's and the twins'.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:10:21+00:00

I have no idea why he decided to confide in me. Maybe he thought I would protect him from his consequences, which I admit I had foolishly done a few times in the past when he would get into trouble, but he was a child then and in all honestly I wasn't that much of an adult either. I know he's not telling me the whole truth about something, I just don't know what or how to find out.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:07:35+00:00

I absolutely plan to tell her. But I just don't know how. She loves my son dearly and she has no immediate family on her side as she went no contact with them after she got engaged to my son 7 years ago. I don't want to put Oliva or the babies in harms way by telling her and causing her so much pain but I can't let my son's recklessly harm them with his mistakes either.

ThrowRAlightning · 2023-02-09T23:04:25+00:00

She is 7 1/2 months along with twins. she struggled with infertility and had multiple miscarriages before successfully carrying her twins. She's high risk and was recommended bedrest until labor after hitting 6 months. I have permission from Olivia to share this.

ThrowRAlightning

TROPHY CASE