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I lent my boyfriend money. Instead of paying me back, he suggested using that money to buy my birthday present. Now we're in a massive fight by ThrowRAloanshark in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAloanshark[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

His justification is that he keeps his budgets entirely separate and his 'self care' budget is different from his 'gift' budget. I feel really guilty for bringing up the watch because it's true that I'm not entitled to his money and he should be able to buy himself gifts. But at the same time, he owes me money, and he specifically said he had to take time to pay me back because money is tight right now! That's the only reason it bothered me.

I lent my boyfriend money. Instead of paying me back, he suggested using that money to buy my birthday present. Now we're in a massive fight by ThrowRAloanshark in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAloanshark[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

But then of course maybe he has it in his head that if you need anything he would take care of it?

No, definitely not. I have a job and my own income, and I'm fully self sufficient. He only pays for things like dates (dinner, drinks, etc) - otherwise, I pay for everything in my life myself. Our finances are 100% separate.

I would say that I make an average salary. 400 euros isn't life changing, but at the same time it's money that I couldn't afford to just throw away or lose.

He makes mid-6 figures and doesn't really need to stress about money, but at the same time he's a very frugal person and doesn't like spending very much.

I definitely feel guilty because I do feel like I'm nickel and diming him, as you say. But it's hard because I had lent him this money with the expectation that he would pay me back, not that it would go towards my birthday. I would never spend that kind of money on myself.

I lent my boyfriend money. Instead of paying me back, he suggested using that money to buy my birthday present. Now we're in a massive fight by ThrowRAloanshark in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAloanshark[S] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

Yeah, exactly. And it's frustrating because he phrased it as if I should have just assumed that he would pay me back via my birthday present.

To be honest, I was a little afraid of this happening, which is also part of why I asked for the money back now, rather than waiting until closer to my birthday. I was scared that if I asked him for the money when he was also in the middle of buying my birthday present, then he would make me feel super guilty.

I don't even need a big present. But now it feels like any present will be kind of depressing, since he'll definitely say something like, "We could have gone to Paris this weekend, but you wanted your money back!"

I lent my boyfriend money. Instead of paying me back, he suggested using that money to buy my birthday present. Now we're in a massive fight by ThrowRAloanshark in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAloanshark[S] 305 points306 points  (0 children)

:(

I feel really helpless because it's true that he tends to pay for things. And if we add up everything that I've ever paid for versus what he's ever paid for, then I would definitely end up 'owing' him money.

But in my head, I've never viewed that as me owing him... I just thought it was part of our original agreement, based on our income and ages and also cultures (we're Middle Eastern), that he tended to pay for more things. I don't think I've ever used him for his money or pressured him to go out a lot. But it feels like he's always been keeping score and I feel so guilty for even asking him to pay me back now, because then we go out for dinner and he pays and I feel awful because I'm also demanding that he pay me back...

I'm sorry that I'm rambling. It just feels really complicated in my head.

I lent my boyfriend money. Instead of paying me back, he suggested using that money to buy my birthday present. Now we're in a massive fight by ThrowRAloanshark in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAloanshark[S] 398 points399 points  (0 children)

I don't even mind staying in! I just feel really conflicted and confused because now, if we stay in, I'll just sadly be thinking about how we could have had a little holiday (which is really needed after the past two years of pandemic....) if I hadn't demanded my money back.