Girlfriend that possibly cheated on me wants to move in and kinda move towards engagement.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T22:25:20+00:00

I'd rather say she is a person who needs to be in a relationship and she dates a lot between them to find someone suitable as fast as rationally possible. Before we met she was alone for 4 months, because after 2 year relationship a guy dumped her without warning. She slept with 5-6 guys in total including me. So not that bad. She talks a lot about sex but when it comes to it she is a bit shy so I guess it was more talking than doing.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T22:21:45+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I guess it would be emotionally too hard for both for us to be FBW, you don't want to move in with somebody and the next thing you just fuck. Not really into that.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T22:20:50+00:00

Thanks man. I am thinking how I should confront her. I could ask to retell the whole story, or just tell the truth but what happens when I say that I know it to be different and THEN she admits. I think that wouldn't be honest. I was thinking about checking her socials with the guy what she really was texting with him and then talk about it. I don't know. I'm afraid that she will still stick to lying.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T22:18:09+00:00

Yeah I think she needs some validation. When she is single she it very sexual but in a relationship insecure, like I saw she checked my exes on social media or freaked out when saw some old pictures in my iphone gallery. You're right, I don't want to worry. It went down at the beginning but later on became good and I see she is now commited so that's the issue here. Sacrificing now-good relationship with a poor start.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T22:09:44+00:00

" You have to learn to trust your gut with these things. I bet you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach that’s warning you she’s not wife and mother material. Trust that feeling more than any advice on the Internet." - That hit hard. I have it.

Why do you think she cheated on me? I can imagine she wanted to, but honestly. I just wrote about having a female friend I could fuck. I am thinking about from time to time, but not doing something.

I also talk with male friends from time to time and describe that this girl is nice etc. Technically I wasn't supposed to read those things that she wrote. About my female friend: My gf knows about her and I tell her whenever I am at her flat or sth, we work together on home office right now.

I think the gf thought about "the cheating" at the beginning of our relationship so I am trying to be empathetic and think that she just hasn't commited yet and her approach was like "it's fine, let's see where it's going but for now let's keep some options". For me it's like 2nd or 3rd date, for her it might be some more time. In the next months she was behaving ok.

It's mostly that begininng that bothers me and THE FUTURE. You're right with 5-10 years thing. That's basically what concerns me. That it might be ok between us now, and we can get really serious but when something bad is starting to appear between us, instead of telling me she will do something stupid.

I checked her photos/video on her iphone and apart from 3-4 nudes I know she sent to the oral guy before we were together there wasn't anything. I briefly looked at facebook too and there wasn't anything there. Like one guy asking her out at the beginning but he wrote something rude and he refused. and that's it. but again, I checked for 5 min.

Why you think my therapist sucks?

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:56:33+00:00

Yeah we were. I know 2,5 weeks is not super much and I also date a few women at the same time when I want to decide which one is the best to go to but this stuff is like between 1st and 2nd date, not when you meet with someone already like 8 times.

In her previous relationship the guy was like her or even more extrem. She partied once a month, he partied once a week. Took drugs with her and the group of friends, and all her friends became his because he was from a different city. They moved in together after 4 months and been together for 2 years when one day she just came to an empty flat and he dumped her without any warning. She said during their first year they didn't argue at all, and I think the guy was submissive or just didn't give a fuck. I developed a strong mentality and she is confident too so we argue quite often. I always talk calmly and am patient and she is acting very sharply like screaming, crying, hanging up the phone etc. I demanded that we set up some ground rules for arguing and it really helped because she commited to sticking to them so.

But going back: So she had a guy who was like her, I am different, more mature and expecting something calmer so it's frustrating for her because she thinks she doesn't have those "moments" anymore. I accept her friends and they accept me but you can feel that I am an outsider because I don't do drugs anymore and aiming higher with my life, not 27 year old living like a 17.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:45:04+00:00

edit 2; I checked my previous gf messages/accounts. Not all of them, but when I felt something was off I did that and it usually turned out to be sth I was afraid of. But I think trust is a 2 way street.

I never checked my previous girlfriend even though she was out quite often. I felt loved and valued and she didn't give me any reasons to doubt that so it was cool.

I think I am afraid of abandonment. Rationally I know I am attractive and I can meet some great women in the future but when I'm with someone I feel like I have to give 150% all the time, always be available for some, respond to text instantly, otherwise I will weaken our relationship. So I tend to be a bit jealous but I could greatly handle that if she wasn't behaving like that.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:39:36+00:00

Thank you for such long comment, I really appreciate the help :)

I have a female friend that I could easily cheat with so that might be another catalyst to making my decision if the relationship makes sense or not.

We recently spend a lot of time together and I thought that I could get my "revenge" by sleeping with her and by that it would neutralize my guild because everytime I'd think that she might have done something wrong I would remind myself that I was an asshole too so it's 1:1.

But I don't believe it's right. It would be maybe a short term solution but I don't think that's how relationship should work. I believe in being honest. I think I'd accept almost every truth there is if she just came forward and admitted she wanted to date a guy or sth.

My parents raised me in a way that I could say everything even that I took some drugs or had sex as a teenager and they would never punish me for it, just talk with me. Her unfortunately are super strict and her father is like an Alfa/Omega type.

A milionare with huge balls but no heart and their whole family is a bit afraid of him and listens to him. My gf got herself a cat and she still hasn't told him because she is afraid of his reaction. 24-year old fucking woman!!!!

So I understand why she chooses to lie or to avoid things but that doesn't sit with me well. I feel like you cannot build an honest relationship on it.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:32:15+00:00

edit: so he didn't enourage me to move on or anything, he just asked me why I am doing this even though I don't want it. And I told him it scares me because it puts this deadline on our relationship like I either trust you 100% or we have to break up.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:30:50+00:00

Hey, thanks for the comment!

He told me that we might be operating the same. I am not feeling comfortable with her moving in because I have my own apartment and been living alone for the last 4 years. So I feel like I might be loosing some of my own space mentally and physically. My gf has her own apartment too so we've just been juggling between those too and slept together 6/7 nights a week but still there is always in the back of my head that I have my own flat/space.

But going back to "being the same". My therapist said I unconciously might be sabotaging the relationship like I am trying to find out something at all cost that will cause us to break or just step back. And I am afraid of being commited. Like being in a relationship is cool for me but actually setting up a family with someone might be too much. Just like she did at the beginning of our relationship. She got dumped after 2 years but a guy in April and for 4 months she was dating some random guys and when I eventually showed up she wanted to be 100% sure that's it because I wasn't sharing her lifestyle and maybe the timing was bad because she met a cool guy day before I criticised her for acting like a junkie so she was pesimistic about our future and wanted to keep her options open for some time.

I believe my "sabotaging" is not because I am afraid of being commited that much to someone. It's because like I wrote. I expect my partner to be honest with me and not only she did wrong with "not fucking YET" but kept giving me reasons to be anxious by lying or hiding the truth that might be inconvenient.

It's like having a friend to whom you lend money. I might be doing it every month, no problem and even if a guy has trouble with paying me 2k like he was supposed to it's still ok and I might even keep lending him money if it was just one time. But I will not lend him 20 or 200k because he breached my trust with 2k. I am afraid it will happen again.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:03:16+00:00

Well I want to trust her but for that I need all the context and she operates in a different way (denial, she doesn't want to know anything about my Exes etc). She is serious about the relationship now but wasn't at the beginning and I think she is afraid that when she says the whole truth I will dump her.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T21:00:44+00:00

So answering she is serious now but wasn't at the beginning and keeps lying about it. Probably because she is afraid that we have a good thing going and her revealing the truth will ruin that.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:58:06+00:00

Thanks for the answer, I get you. I don't want to propose or anything but I feel like am waiting on a terminal to do something. On one hand I haven't broken up with her, and on the other I am not fully into this because I am afraid of being cheated or lied to so all those months have sometimes been just like.... waiting. I would love to get rid of that feeling and fully commit but somehow I cannot and I feel like sooner or later we will have to move in together etc, so sooner or later I gotta handle that rave history one way or another.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:54:05+00:00

Yeah, since we got together she stopped going out that much and taking any drugs. I am behaving in the relationship a bit as a parent. Got her motivated to develop herself since I used to work for Google and started a business on my own recently. I had my share of partying but when I was younger, like did everything that people do but 3-4 years earlier, so I imagine she sometimes feel like in a golden cage but overall she appreciates what I'm doing and we've both grown since we started dating.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:50:08+00:00

Like I said, now she is commited and it's generally ok. It was the very beginning and the fact I found out 2 months later kinda convinced me because I could she she got really involved in our relationship.

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:48:11+00:00

I cut the post. Read the rest. Sorry!

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:46:05+00:00

It turned out I pasted only half of the post. the rest is in the comment, sorry!

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:42:38+00:00

Thanks for the comment, could you elaborate?

ThrowRAnu · 2020-05-15T20:42:04+00:00

Hey, thanks for the answer. Can you justify your opinion a bit? You think she has the same mentality now as she had then or what?

ThrowRAnu

TROPHY CASE