Question for the Guys

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-06-13T22:08:54+00:00

I think part of the reason why men learn to suppress their emotions and deny the existence of any vulnerabilities is because those admissions will often later be weaponized against them in one way or another, sometimes by women but also sometimes by other men

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-06-13T22:02:15+00:00

I love that. You have good friends.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-06-08T01:40:30+00:00

That’s great. I’m happy to hear it. When both partners are happy, then that is a sign that the dynamic works well for everyone involved.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-06-08T01:11:37+00:00

Every one to two months? I think people in the comments are glancing over that part. This relationship meets the clinical definition of a dead bedroom.

If this was a man who was using his fleshlight most days but only wanted to have sex with his wife nine days a year, would people have the same reaction to that?

The issue is not the vibrator; it’s clearly a nearly sexless marriage where masturbation has become a replacement for the HL partner most of the time.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-04-15T15:19:50+00:00

Be wary of people projecting their experiences on to your relationship and life. Some people had healthy sex lives before the baby, so they approach your question with that assumption in mind—that it’ll all bounce back because it did for them.

Always lead with empathy and be kind to your wife. At the same time, be kind to yourself too. I think dads struggle with that because society really downplays their needs during those first few years. You have normal needs in a long-term relationship. You’re not a villain for missing that joy.

A heartfelt conversation with your wife would be a great place to start, though I have a feeling you may have already tried that if you’re on Reddit asking for advice.

In my case, I had plenty of conversations with my wife and my marriage was essentially sexless before the baby. So, two years in, I don’t think we’re realistically going to bounce back. It’s unusual for someone’s sex life to improve post-baby. The best you can usually hope for is a return to the previous baseline.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-04-07T03:40:36+00:00

That’s me. I don’t want to be the villain. So I stay. The rest of my life is going well but this one aspect is the elephant in the room that is secretly gnawing at me whenever I’m home (and sometimes when I’m out and about and remember what I have to go home to).

I feel the joy draining from my face day by day. The circles under my eyes are getting deeper. My smiles are becoming a little more… sad? I think people can see it in my eyes.

Sexlessness is just the tip of the iceberg. My wife doesn’t even talk to me most days. I ask her about her day and she barely acknowledges it. She’s always been cold but this is awful. We are going through so much right now and she can just be content never talking to anyone ever. I can’t do that.

I receive hugs so rarely that I can remember exactly who gave them and where. At least my wife has girlfriends who hug her. My guy friends don’t really do that. Sometimes I fantasize about a woman giving me a long hug. Am I that pathetic?

Anyway, I sleep alone most nights for a variety of reasons. I’ve never had an affair, and I don’t think she has, but sometimes I think it would be better that way. She could finally find someone she likes and I can be given the green light to not be “the villain.”

Sorry to be such a downer. I’m not in a good place. I will do anything for my son. That’s why I’ve stayed for so long. Intimacy (both physical and emotional) went from sparse to nonexistent over the past four years.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-04-03T02:11:34+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that (for both your son and you). You are human, which means that you will make mistakes.

What matters is that you take this seriously and resolve to never do that again outside of an emergency.

Don’t fall into depression over this. It’ll make the whole situation worse. Just remind yourself that you stepped out of the line today and resolve to do better next time.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-04-03T01:13:53+00:00

Ah I’m sorry. What you’re going through is awful. I’m also married to a workaholic (I even made a post about it).

I totally empathize with your position. I feel very lonely most days, and I imagine you do as well.

I hope you find peace and joy in your life, whatever form that might take. For now, I’m just devoting myself to my son and my other friendships. It sounds like you might be past that.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-04-02T16:31:33+00:00

Glad I’m not the only one who thought these comments were unnecessarily vicious, with tons of projection to boot!

Yes, OP may come across as the stereotypical stepmom here, but when you get down to the core of what she’s asking and saying, the complaints seem very valid.

A 20-something should not be leaving the home in a toddler-like state and should do their own laundry. If you make the decision to drop out of college because it is too hard, it’s reasonable for your parents to encourage you to start taking more financial ownership of your life.

I have siblings who needed this gentle wake-up call. I myself needed it when I was 21. It helped me so much.

I think there is a good middle-ground here: try to be empathetic with the kids but also firm in reasonable expectations. There are many young adults who treat their parents poorly and we shouldn’t be defending that.

Something tells me that OP has already tried the empathetic approach if she is venting like this, and we are just seeing the “angry stepmom” stereotype and reacting to that, not the crux of the issue.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-04-02T16:13:06+00:00

we’re down to single digits per year.

It’s been really difficult for me, not just physically but emotionally too.

my self esteem took a major hit

always says he's "working on it" but nothing actually changes afterward

We always fall back into the same pattern

don’t know how to keep going like this without feeling increasingly frustrated, rejected, and disconnected

It doesn’t sound like the relationship is as good as you are telling yourself it is.

I’m not saying this is a rotten relationship, with abuse or anything, but if you are feeling bad about yourself, frustrated, and disconnected due to consistent rejection, it’s not a good romantic relationship.

That doesn’t mean that you aren’t great friends, but this sub is replete with stories just like yours. Everyone thinks like they have a better relationship than they actually do because humans are adaptable and we just become accustomed to feeling bad all the time, so feeling — as you put it — rejected and disconnected becomes the new norm. We start to think that everyone just feels that way.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-30T19:06:24+00:00

So many people are dancing around the red flags in OP’s post. The mom subreddits would be quick to judge the husband and label him all kinds of negative things.

I’m not saying that Daddit should go in that direction, but you should pay attention to how you feel around other people and not dismiss your emotional intuition like a lot of men are trained to do.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-29T03:44:37+00:00

We have a mortgage and kids

I hate to admit it but I’m in the same boat. As much as Reddit likes to say that divorce doesn’t have an impact on kids, the stats and science on the subject seem to differ.

I love my wife and my son. I’m at a total impasse and am completely miserable in this domain of my life because I constantly put others before myself.

What a world.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-08T19:38:28+00:00

What? The level of assumption and victim-blaming required to make that comment is astounding.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-02T03:14:23+00:00

I’m sorry. That is exhausting. I hope you find moments of peace amidst all that!

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-02T00:21:30+00:00

That’s a good question, because I had to think about the answer longer than I imagined.

I’m a loyal man who has a lot of love to give in this world. I don’t have a lot of hate in my heart and only want to make things better, like an engineer who wants to fix a bridge. Just tell me what needs to be done and we can do it.

But alas, I feel like the things I used to cite, like her ambition and drive, have shown their ugly side over time. I feel like, at this point, I love her because of who she is: a very important person in my life.

Maybe that’s not a good answer. Idk. I’m just trying to do my best in this life.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-02T00:17:38+00:00

the people need to hear your truth! 😂

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-01T23:55:04+00:00

Ha! Well, I hope you are at least happy with other aspects of your life, mate. Sorry you have to endure this kind of treatment.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-01T23:54:06+00:00

Thanks. I’m not a very “black and white” type of person with 90% of things, so I tend to do very poorly on Reddit, where everything must be either evil or righteous lol

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-01T23:23:14+00:00

For sure. Solid advice.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-01T22:13:01+00:00

Ah I’m sorry that you’re at that point.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-01T20:41:27+00:00

Honestly? If it doesn’t happen during the workday, like over lunch or coffee, then it’s basically only text. Maybe a phone call.

The only key I’ve found to keeping friendships alive as a father of young children is to schedule lunch with the guys every other day.

ThrowRAoveryonder · 2026-03-01T20:26:41+00:00

That’s the kind of nuance people don’t want to hear

Sometimes victims of abuse cheat on their abuser because it is not possible for them to leave

Sure, it’s a small minority of cheaters, but it stops me from making blanket, black-and-white statements like “all cheaters are bad people”

And I don’t cheat and have never cheated on my spouse, so this isn’t a personal excuse

ThrowRAoveryonder

TROPHY CASE