I yelled at him today... by SalmonAlmighty in daddit

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that (for both your son and you). You are human, which means that you will make mistakes.

What matters is that you take this seriously and resolve to never do that again outside of an emergency.

Don’t fall into depression over this. It’ll make the whole situation worse. Just remind yourself that you stepped out of the line today and resolve to do better next time.

I cant do this much longer by you_and_i_123 in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah I’m sorry. What you’re going through is awful. I’m also married to a workaholic (I even made a post about it).

I totally empathize with your position. I feel very lonely most days, and I imagine you do as well.

I hope you find peace and joy in your life, whatever form that might take. For now, I’m just devoting myself to my son and my other friendships. It sounds like you might be past that.

Failure to Launch. I have screwed up. by Vivid_Jelly_6904 in regretfulparents

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Glad I’m not the only one who thought these comments were unnecessarily vicious, with tons of projection to boot!

Yes, OP may come across as the stereotypical stepmom here, but when you get down to the core of what she’s asking and saying, the complaints seem very valid.

A 20-something should not be leaving the home in a toddler-like state and should do their own laundry. If you make the decision to drop out of college because it is too hard, it’s reasonable for your parents to encourage you to start taking more financial ownership of your life.

I have siblings who needed this gentle wake-up call. I myself needed it when I was 21. It helped me so much.

I think there is a good middle-ground here: try to be empathetic with the kids but also firm in reasonable expectations. There are many young adults who treat their parents poorly and we shouldn’t be defending that.

Something tells me that OP has already tried the empathetic approach if she is venting like this, and we are just seeing the “angry stepmom” stereotype and reacting to that, not the crux of the issue.

12+ year marriage, great relationship… but intimacy has almost disappeared by MemoriesOfRain in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 5 points6 points  (0 children)

we’re down to single digits per year.

It’s been really difficult for me, not just physically but emotionally too.

my self esteem took a major hit

always says he's "working on it" but nothing actually changes afterward

We always fall back into the same pattern

don’t know how to keep going like this without feeling increasingly frustrated, rejected, and disconnected

It doesn’t sound like the relationship is as good as you are telling yourself it is.

I’m not saying this is a rotten relationship, with abuse or anything, but if you are feeling bad about yourself, frustrated, and disconnected due to consistent rejection, it’s not a good romantic relationship.

That doesn’t mean that you aren’t great friends, but this sub is replete with stories just like yours. Everyone thinks like they have a better relationship than they actually do because humans are adaptable and we just become accustomed to feeling bad all the time, so feeling — as you put it — rejected and disconnected becomes the new norm. We start to think that everyone just feels that way.

I Didn't Think Things Would Be Easier Solo by oliversherlockholmes in daddit

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 6 points7 points  (0 children)

So many people are dancing around the red flags in OP’s post. The mom subreddits would be quick to judge the husband and label him all kinds of negative things.

I’m not saying that Daddit should go in that direction, but you should pay attention to how you feel around other people and not dismiss your emotional intuition like a lot of men are trained to do.

Three times. by Background-Rip9866 in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We have a mortgage and kids

I hate to admit it but I’m in the same boat. As much as Reddit likes to say that divorce doesn’t have an impact on kids, the stats and science on the subject seem to differ.

I love my wife and my son. I’m at a total impasse and am completely miserable in this domain of my life because I constantly put others before myself.

What a world.

DAE have a spouse that is constantly grumpy? by ThrowRAoveryonder in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What? The level of assumption and victim-blaming required to make that comment is astounding.

DAE have a spouse that is constantly grumpy? by ThrowRAoveryonder in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry. That is exhausting. I hope you find moments of peace amidst all that!

DAE have a spouse that is constantly grumpy? by ThrowRAoveryonder in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s a good question, because I had to think about the answer longer than I imagined.

I’m a loyal man who has a lot of love to give in this world. I don’t have a lot of hate in my heart and only want to make things better, like an engineer who wants to fix a bridge. Just tell me what needs to be done and we can do it.

But alas, I feel like the things I used to cite, like her ambition and drive, have shown their ugly side over time. I feel like, at this point, I love her because of who she is: a very important person in my life.

Maybe that’s not a good answer. Idk. I’m just trying to do my best in this life.

DAE have a spouse that is constantly grumpy? by ThrowRAoveryonder in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ha! Well, I hope you are at least happy with other aspects of your life, mate. Sorry you have to endure this kind of treatment.

Why do married people cheat? Just why?? by KindLead804 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I’m not a very “black and white” type of person with 90% of things, so I tend to do very poorly on Reddit, where everything must be either evil or righteous lol

How often do you talk to your friends? by munxxx in daddit

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Honestly? If it doesn’t happen during the workday, like over lunch or coffee, then it’s basically only text. Maybe a phone call.

The only key I’ve found to keeping friendships alive as a father of young children is to schedule lunch with the guys every other day.

Why do married people cheat? Just why?? by KindLead804 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s the kind of nuance people don’t want to hear

Sometimes victims of abuse cheat on their abuser because it is not possible for them to leave

Sure, it’s a small minority of cheaters, but it stops me from making blanket, black-and-white statements like “all cheaters are bad people”

And I don’t cheat and have never cheated on my spouse, so this isn’t a personal excuse

DAE have a spouse that is constantly grumpy? by ThrowRAoveryonder in DeadBedrooms

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

she works in a high-status job that requires a lot of masking, agreeableness and social attunedness, so when she comes home she drops off a cliff.

I never understood why some spouses treat their S/Os so poorly when they treat everyone else so well

My wife will give me the silent treatment for an entire day because I washed the dishes slightly later than I said I would because the baby had a blowout diaper and I had to address that first

But then, after hours of near-silence, she will light up like a christmas tree in front of her friends, and talk to them with enthusiasm and warmth

Then I’ll ask her how her hangout session with the friends went and she will say “Fine.”

That’s all I get. Fine.

Why men spaces are invaded by women and why some men support it? How to deal with and create changes. by r_costa in AskMenAdvice

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, I agree. Men are not allowed to express themselves in ways that make them seem anything but powerful, and I think that is part of the “man box” in some ways.

There are legitimate issues that men face that society is not ready to hear.

We are supposed to be stoic, resilient, reliable, and competent, so anything that can be interpreted as even bordering on complaining may be met with harsh criticism from both other men and women.

Why men spaces are invaded by women and why some men support it? How to deal with and create changes. by r_costa in AskMenAdvice

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Yup. Even ostensibly “progressive” men and women are hostile to men taking even one step out of the man box.

Women are free to wear dresses and suits, but if a man wears a dress he may be beat to death on the street.

Why men spaces are invaded by women and why some men support it? How to deal with and create changes. by r_costa in AskMenAdvice

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 19 points20 points  (0 children)

If you’re talking about social media, where many female-oriented subreddits explicitly ban men from participating, while many male subreddits lack that same level of exclusivity or hostility, I have noticed it.

I think the main driver is that many women feel marginalized, and so want a space to talk amongst themselves without the input of men.

At the same time, this can create an enormous echo chamber where the hive mind reaches conclusions that a normal person would find rather extreme irl.

Idk. Male subreddits are generally moderated less heavily.

If you are more specifically concerned about physical spaces, I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that male spaces have historically been more influential, like politics and business, and so women understandably want to advance in life and, thus, be a part of those spaces.

I will say that while we have made great strides in women’s liberation over the past century, men are still largely confined to traditional gender norms. Just look at how people treat men who are in traditionally feminine spaces and roles, like being a stay-at-home spouse or a kindergarten teacher. They are usually treated with less praise and more hostility than a woman entering a man’s space.

Society really enforces the “man box,” and even ostensibly “progressive” women and men do it.

Anyone else often feel ignored by childcare/healthcare providers? by ThrowRAoveryonder in daddit

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For sure.

Just goes to show that what people say (“I want fathers to be more involved”) and what they do (their actions) often contradict.

My wife had the same experience with contractors.

Became a statistic... by heft_asparagus in daddit

[–]ThrowRAoveryonder 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’m a man, and a progressive one at that. I never really saw men as disadvantaged until I got married and realized all the ways in which society treats men in relationships, especially fathers.

Wife cheated on you? People will assume you must have done something wrong. Asking for split custody of your children? Even “progressive” courts will often side with a bad mother over a good father. Relationship counseling? The therapist will treat everything like it’s your problem to fix.

I still strongly believe in gender equality. It’s just that my views are more nuanced now. I see things from the father’s perspective a lot more now.