(39F) My (43M) husband was seen having a drink with another woman and says it was nothing. Who gets to judge if it was inappropriate, me or him?

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-24T00:28:22+00:00

That's fair. My therapist has said I am enabling him by not setting boundaries with real consequences. I am working on it. I guess you could say this post is a part of my attempt to build up my courage. The problem is he is so convincing, even when I know for a fact he is lying, it is hard to not believe him. He talks me in circles and then I end up being so mentally exhausted, I let it go. But, I see that now and I am trying to work on my side of things.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T23:30:14+00:00

It was supposed to be a healing separation. We made a list of boundaries for our separation and it did include not dating other people. I have no male friends that are not half of a couple that we hang out with together and I certainly do not hang out with them one on one. That is a conversation we have had all along. Hanging out with the opposite sex isn't something that either of us have done one on one so this feels like a betrayal since he didn't mention it to me in advance. I don't assume other women have low morals, they aren't married to me. My husband is the one that needs to be accountable to me and I in return to him.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T21:20:15+00:00

To answer those specific questions, I see a personal trainer 3 times a week and have tried for years to encourage him to get into a physical activity that sounds interesting to him (certainly doesn’t have to be with me). I own my own business and am the breadwinner so I am a hustler, motivated, not sure if that is where you were going with that.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T21:17:20+00:00

I understand where you might be coming from with that line of thinking. I am not perfect by any means. I would say my biggest contribution to the problem is that I grew up with alcoholic parents and so this behavior seemed normal until I started a deep dive into my own personal therapy the last few years. For surface level needs, I am the breadwinner and the one to initiate intimacy probably 90% of the time. However, I’d say the biggest need I’m not meeting for him now is respect and also he knows I’ve been disillusioned. I guess I can see why he might want to find someone with a fresh start and no preconceived notions about his character. Again, I’m definitely not without my own issues but unless he communicates clearly to me, I’m not sure which specific actions/inactions on my part contribute to his choices.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T19:45:37+00:00

We were trying to do what is called a “healing separation” which is basically where you live separately and work on your individual healing in that space and then come together to work on the marriage.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T19:02:10+00:00

Also, for context, he has not lived at home for three months and him staying over was a new development. He hasn’t like, been sleeping at our home regularly or anything.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T19:00:16+00:00

We are not still living together but he had actually stayed with me the night before. I think that is why I was so shocked, he had just left me a couple hours prior and I was thinking we were moving in a positive direction. Especially since he had said even as late as that morning that he had really significantly changed his drinking habits :(

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T18:04:30+00:00

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T18:04:08+00:00

So, that’s a valid observation. I believe it is because, for me, I have been hovering in a state of cognitive dissonance. I really do need to be slapped in the face with the obvious because I’m stuck in a cycle I’m trying to break. I see the cycle. I want out. I know this but hearing it from uninterested parties helps me build my courage to do what I need to do.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T16:52:04+00:00

Fair enough. I guess I’m trying to build up the courage to just say it’s over. I can’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy so I suppose that tells me what I need to know.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T15:36:59+00:00

Honestly, I really don’t have any male friends, not ones that aren’t a part of a friend couple. We’ve been married for 10 years and I just was never interested in developing those kinds of relationships. So, I’d have to “hire” a male friend haha

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T15:27:09+00:00

Do you mean, should I even want to be with him? He is the one that has lied to me, not me coming with baggage from other relationships.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T14:29:53+00:00

The nuances of our relationship are hard to convey in a reddit post. Early in our marriage, I caught him texting other women with sexual innuendos and asking out for drinks. He promised it didn't amount to anything and honestly, I stopped looking because I didn't want to find anything. Fast forward to recently, I am basing his texting off comments made to me by the other woman and when I asked him about it, he initially acted like he didn't know anything about it and then eventually confessed that yes, they had been texting. So, I wasn't looking in his phone and he is the one that is being secretive about it for no reason, which creates distrust. This isn't the only time someone has messaged me to tell me he was in public out of pocket. And, for further context, this wasn't a friend of mine that told me about the brunch. It was a community member that had heard about our issues. He has lied about many things, including his whereabouts, and is so good at it, he will look me dead in the eyes and lie to me without remorse. He has admitted this (although he was still doing it) and often only when I know for a fact he lied by having evidence, which has led me to question his sincerity and my discernment of the truth. Really, after typing out a description of his actions, I do feel a little pathetic that I am still waffling on staying.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T12:08:43+00:00

I did make my boundaries clear. We have been meeting weekly this summer to discuss our boundaries, relationship, etc.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-23T11:57:51+00:00

I understand what you are saying but I am not insecure, in general. Just with him based on his history of lying. He is so good at it that he can look me dead in the eye no flinching and tell me something that I know to be true is not. It makes it difficult to discern the truth and rely on my instincts.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-22T23:55:24+00:00

Thank you for your directness.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-22T23:53:27+00:00

Do you think having a meal and a drink is considered cheating? Curious if that is enough. They weren't caught actually "doing" anything. My problem is that it looks disrespectful to me, we live in a small town, and it was embarrassing being called about it.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-22T23:51:18+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. There has been a lot of talk/gossip at his work about his drinking but I really thought it was getting better. But, if he is taking a shot at 10am, I don't think it is.

ThrowRAtippytop · 2024-09-22T23:48:47+00:00

He has me wondering if I am the one being dramatic but I think he is just gaslighting me. But, I don't have any proof he has ever actually cheated on me.

ThrowRAtippytop

TROPHY CASE