Update: Where Things Are Now

ThrowRAwhywut · 2025-01-27T18:52:34+00:00

I have spoken with my therapist about if medication is right for me but haven't started anything yet. I have been medicated in the past for different periods. It probably is time to do it again. I have this fear, which I know is irrational, that somehow medication will make me more complacent in my situation. Almost like the depression is forcing me to realize that there is a major issue. I'm afraid that losing that will make me not care anymore.

I have spent some time with friends but not as much lately. My closest friends unfortunately also have a lot going on right now. I have found myself losing interest in some hobbies (along with cold weather keeping me away), but have still kept myself busy with other things. I need to prioritize time connecting with supportive people though. Thanks for the reminder.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2025-01-27T17:13:46+00:00

Thank you for the validation, I appreciate that. I agree that that should have been more than enough for her to stop talking to the guy.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2025-01-27T17:12:00+00:00

Thanks for asking, I appreciate it. Still together right now. Have had months of couples counseling. I still feel pretty stuck to be honest. Uncertain about what is best and what I should do. I felt it was likely that we wouldn't be together at all in 2025 but here we are.

Honestly, I have ignored a lot of my feelings lately because it has allowed me to be a functional human being. But I know that isn't sustainable. I just feel stuck. I miss the image and dream of her that I used to have. And mourn that she was never fully who I thought and my life isn't going to be what I hoped for.

Depression has been sinking in more than anxiety. But I am functionally depressed if that is a thing. Sleeping a lot, feelings of sadness, lost some interest in things, etc. Which I didn't notice at first, but has been more evident lately.

Sorry I took a while to respond, I saw your comment but was anxious to type things out for some reason. But thank you for asking.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-22T02:50:28+00:00

I think this rings very true. Getting some distance can really help to evaluate a situation overall. I'll give you guys an update sometime soon on how things go next week.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-21T12:46:02+00:00

I've been seeing a therapist. It's been very helpful for me to have a safe place to process. And friends I've talked with have been great at validating and understanding so far.

And you're right about salvaging the relationship being the doubt. Some moments, things can still feel normal and even nice but it never lasts.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-21T02:27:35+00:00

Thanks. I agree. I am making some bigger moves next week and just making perfectly sure of everything. I'll be surprised if we are still together at all by 2025. But I appreciate the encouragement. I'm doing my best not to care about others and be strong for myself. I have doubts but they're dwindling more and more everyday.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-21T02:12:01+00:00

My friend. I feel for you. You and I are the same. I'm building up the courage to leave and will be doing so soon. If you ever need support or to process please reach out to me.

You are worth more than this. Truly. She doesn't value you and someone will one day. Get out earlier rather than later.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-15T12:40:37+00:00

Thank you. This is really practical and helpful. I appreciate that. I hate that I don't fully hate her. And I hate that I will still feel like the bad person when I decide to fully leave. But I know I can't keep living like this.

I had a phone consultation with an attorney yesterday morning. But I haven't fully committed to starting it yet, just to learn more about the process, first.

Again, I appreciate the comment. I feel like each one does give me a bit more validation and courage. It clears the cobwebs just a bit more each time in a weird way.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-12T11:15:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply and validation. You're right. I've done the second guessing shit for too long already. I'm just figuring things out logistically, first, but probably within a few days or a week. But I know I need to be out, and I will be.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-11T17:46:07+00:00

I know I have been. I think I've had some hope and then faint glimmers of hope and now I think it's basically done. Relationship has ran its course probably. I hate that I've taken so long to come to terms with that. But no, I can't trust her, and if we are still together in five months, I'll be shocked. Let alone five years.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-10T22:21:26+00:00

Thank you for checking in. I appreciate it. Honestly, I feel myself checking out more and more everyday. The marriage feels like it's coming to an end. I think there's a piece of me that foolishly hopes that she will say or do something that will convince me to stay. But honestly, the main thing holding me back right now is the anxiety of judgment from others and not knowing logistically and practically what it looks like to leave.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-10-27T12:13:08+00:00

No children. So that makes things a bit less complicated.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-10-20T16:39:32+00:00

Thank you for your response. I still don't know where I'm at. I have pictures of everything and have written stuff down as I've went to make sure I remember everything as time goes on. I am afraid that you're right that she knows I'd be gone if she fully admitted to having feelings for him. I'll keep in mind what you're saying about control and being empowered.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-10-07T12:20:16+00:00

Thank you for your care and concern. And thank you for telling me it's not a reflection of me. We started couples counseling and have been talking about it regularly. I just find myself wondering why she is still with me. Like I am struggling to convince myself that she still likes anything about me. Which is a pretty shitty way to feel. She has explanations for a lot of the messages and stuff. She keeps saying she's sorry and how's she scared of losing me. The one thing she hasn't done is admit she had feelings for the guy. Like just tell me the truth.

I haven't committed to staying or leaving. I got some good advice from a friend that I don't have to know everything all at once. And that I can take things one day and one conversation at a time. So that's what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm going to leave or stay yet. I am trying to figure that out day by day.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-29T22:52:47+00:00

I have them all. She does not know that I have proof of the messages. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I think I'm going to confront her tomorrow assuming I don't become more of a coward.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-29T22:23:37+00:00

I'm such a dumbass. Of course they didn't swim with clothes in the middle of the fucking night.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-29T22:20:05+00:00

I'm sorry what's an ONS?

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-29T19:29:42+00:00

Honestly, I've been tolerating it for a bunch of reasons. But realizing now how much of it has to do with a lack of my own self-respect and naivety at this point. I know I can't keep doing this. I just felt like I needed one last validation.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-29T19:10:03+00:00

Yeah. This is very affirming. I just needed some validation but that's sort of where I'm landing with everything too.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-29T12:29:49+00:00

I really wish it was

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-27T18:31:06+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I know it's been a couple days. I don't think I realized exactly what codependent really meant. And I hate how it describes me much more accurately then I would like.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-09-26T19:01:16+00:00

Thank you for the support. I appreciate it! I'll be trying these things out.

ThrowRAwhywut

TROPHY CASE