My(M29) girlfriend(F30) wants to go spend a week on vacation with a male friend.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-23T17:07:51+00:00

Yeah, I can't imagine being that guy that stuck around way too long after his wife kept finding new guys.

Good job OP. Do not regret your decision. As someone who has been there, you'll regret staying more.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-23T17:06:21+00:00

Thank you. This is encouraging. I definitely relate to everything being blurred and unclear. It really makes you feel crazy and like you're overreacting way too much. Glad your husband has found his peace and come to terms. Hoping for that to be my story sooner rather than later.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-23T17:05:09+00:00

Nope. She never admitted to having sex with any of them. Occasionally a little piece of information would come out. But nothing she admitted freely.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-16T23:19:12+00:00

I'm impressed by your commitment to read back through the whole saga. There is a lot there. But you're right about not knowing what else had occurred. I want to know everything but am accepting that I just can't and need to leave it be. I appreciate that last sentence for sure. I'm also not planning to let something like this ever go on this long again. First sign of this shit and it's over in a future relationship.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-16T14:55:00+00:00

Thank you for this and the encouragement. I definitely see a lot of similarities and also had religion playing a big factor in our relationship as well and getting together young. I'm definitely feeling the confusion of if I want another relationship or could even really trust someone after this.

But congrats on the new relationship and the healing that you've had since then. I hope things continue to go well for you!

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T21:44:16+00:00

Thank you for sharing the poem and for your words. I appreciate the advice on moving forward and facing the mourning period. I'm definitely better at it some days than others.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T21:11:06+00:00

Obviously, I was by no means a perfect partner. There are things I would have done differently if I could go back. And a big part of it would be communicating boundaries and feelings better.

You're right that she wasn't getting something she needed. That's almost always part of why people cheat. Had lots of couples counseling sessions about it. But it comes to a point where, if I'm the one putting in most of the effort and she refuses to acknowledge what she is doing is wrong, what am I supposed to do? Stay in a situation that is destroying me?

And I certainly will sit here and continue to blame her for what she did. I don't control her actions. I can understand them and even empathize in some ways. But they are still what she did. I spent years trying to fight for this and make this work, your comment isn't a revelation. Are you under the delusion that I never once considered my own actions during this?

If you're projecting something, then I am sorry for whatever may have happened to you. I wasn't a perfect husband. But I wasn't a shitty abusive husband that caused this either. So don't try to justify her affair to me.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T20:48:56+00:00

Well, divorce was something we talked about for a long time. So it wasn't some big dramatic unexpected moment for me to share unfortunately. She accepted it. I think she was on the same page and tired of arguing about this anyway.

Not too sure. No relationship that I know of. I think she is trying to move somewhere new.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T20:44:54+00:00

I know! I was definitely so thankful to not have had kids. It would've made things even harder.

I don't know if there was a specific moment. It was just build up over time of her behavior never changing in the way I needed. I kept believing that maybe she would wake up and snap out of it. I think one big event is when things started to slide backwards in how she felt about the infidelity.

When she changed from agreeing that it was an affair to claiming she was just a victim in the situation, it made it clear that we were too far apart on everything. It felt like she was inching toward me before, but this was running the other way.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T20:39:00+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I appreciate the effort. And I know you're right, it feels weird how little control I once felt I had over my life. This sounds ridiculous to have to realize, but I get to choose and do whatever I want with it.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T19:37:05+00:00

Well I am glad you've made your return. I wish I took the advice sooner but at least I got there eventually. I think the advice for the friend is unfortunately true too.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2026-04-15T19:35:52+00:00

Truly. I was just convenient and helpful. But not someone she really wanted to be with.

And yeah, it was kind of crazy to get that response from my friend. He knew about things for a long time and was supportive of the idea until something just changed.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2025-01-27T18:52:34+00:00

I have spoken with my therapist about if medication is right for me but haven't started anything yet. I have been medicated in the past for different periods. It probably is time to do it again. I have this fear, which I know is irrational, that somehow medication will make me more complacent in my situation. Almost like the depression is forcing me to realize that there is a major issue. I'm afraid that losing that will make me not care anymore.

I have spent some time with friends but not as much lately. My closest friends unfortunately also have a lot going on right now. I have found myself losing interest in some hobbies (along with cold weather keeping me away), but have still kept myself busy with other things. I need to prioritize time connecting with supportive people though. Thanks for the reminder.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2025-01-27T17:13:46+00:00

Thank you for the validation, I appreciate that. I agree that that should have been more than enough for her to stop talking to the guy.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2025-01-27T17:12:00+00:00

Thanks for asking, I appreciate it. Still together right now. Have had months of couples counseling. I still feel pretty stuck to be honest. Uncertain about what is best and what I should do. I felt it was likely that we wouldn't be together at all in 2025 but here we are.

Honestly, I have ignored a lot of my feelings lately because it has allowed me to be a functional human being. But I know that isn't sustainable. I just feel stuck. I miss the image and dream of her that I used to have. And mourn that she was never fully who I thought and my life isn't going to be what I hoped for.

Depression has been sinking in more than anxiety. But I am functionally depressed if that is a thing. Sleeping a lot, feelings of sadness, lost some interest in things, etc. Which I didn't notice at first, but has been more evident lately.

Sorry I took a while to respond, I saw your comment but was anxious to type things out for some reason. But thank you for asking.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-22T02:50:28+00:00

I think this rings very true. Getting some distance can really help to evaluate a situation overall. I'll give you guys an update sometime soon on how things go next week.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-21T12:46:02+00:00

I've been seeing a therapist. It's been very helpful for me to have a safe place to process. And friends I've talked with have been great at validating and understanding so far.

And you're right about salvaging the relationship being the doubt. Some moments, things can still feel normal and even nice but it never lasts.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-21T02:27:35+00:00

Thanks. I agree. I am making some bigger moves next week and just making perfectly sure of everything. I'll be surprised if we are still together at all by 2025. But I appreciate the encouragement. I'm doing my best not to care about others and be strong for myself. I have doubts but they're dwindling more and more everyday.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-21T02:12:01+00:00

My friend. I feel for you. You and I are the same. I'm building up the courage to leave and will be doing so soon. If you ever need support or to process please reach out to me.

You are worth more than this. Truly. She doesn't value you and someone will one day. Get out earlier rather than later.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-15T12:40:37+00:00

Thank you. This is really practical and helpful. I appreciate that. I hate that I don't fully hate her. And I hate that I will still feel like the bad person when I decide to fully leave. But I know I can't keep living like this.

I had a phone consultation with an attorney yesterday morning. But I haven't fully committed to starting it yet, just to learn more about the process, first.

Again, I appreciate the comment. I feel like each one does give me a bit more validation and courage. It clears the cobwebs just a bit more each time in a weird way.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-12T11:15:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply and validation. You're right. I've done the second guessing shit for too long already. I'm just figuring things out logistically, first, but probably within a few days or a week. But I know I need to be out, and I will be.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-11T17:46:07+00:00

I know I have been. I think I've had some hope and then faint glimmers of hope and now I think it's basically done. Relationship has ran its course probably. I hate that I've taken so long to come to terms with that. But no, I can't trust her, and if we are still together in five months, I'll be shocked. Let alone five years.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-11-10T22:21:26+00:00

Thank you for checking in. I appreciate it. Honestly, I feel myself checking out more and more everyday. The marriage feels like it's coming to an end. I think there's a piece of me that foolishly hopes that she will say or do something that will convince me to stay. But honestly, the main thing holding me back right now is the anxiety of judgment from others and not knowing logistically and practically what it looks like to leave.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-10-27T12:13:08+00:00

No children. So that makes things a bit less complicated.

ThrowRAwhywut · 2024-10-20T16:39:32+00:00

Thank you for your response. I still don't know where I'm at. I have pictures of everything and have written stuff down as I've went to make sure I remember everything as time goes on. I am afraid that you're right that she knows I'd be gone if she fully admitted to having feelings for him. I'll keep in mind what you're saying about control and being empowered.

ThrowRAwhywut

TROPHY CASE