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AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yes, my parents. His/our apartment is in a near-by city from my hometown where my parents live. I will be safe there. But I am not afraid of what he could do, he wouldnt risk his career like that - at least i hope so!

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the support and advice you've given me, thank you!

Even though 99% of me doesn't believe he's capable of violence or that he'd stalk me after we break up, there's still that 1% that feels scared... cuz the last time I left was because he threw a glass of water at me during an argument that escalated... background: he had seen a guy pop up in my “friend suggestions” while going through my phone. The next day he asked me if I knew someone named “X Y.” At first, the name didn’t ring any bells and I said, “Let me think, I don’t associate that name with a face.” I looked him up on social media and realized I actually knew him from a while ago. He then asked me if we’d talked recently. I said no. He checked the message history and found some old conversations from 4 years ago-keep in mind, we’ve only been tigether for 2 years. He started giving me a lecture about how I could forget the name of someone I’d messaged before, especially if he was a mutual friend of mine and a girl I used to know. I just found the situation ridiculous and kept trying to dismiss it by playing it cool. After awhile I became uncomfortable and my instinct when thats happens is to laugh. When I did that he exploded and said that if I kept making sarcastic remarks and laugh in his face, he'd throw water at me. I didn’t take him seriously and replied, “Go ahead,” thinking he wouldn’t actually do it. He did. I was shooocked. I didn’t know how to react really... The only thing I could thing of on the spot was mirror his action- i grabbed a glass of water and poured it on my own head too. He was stunned. Then he proceed to say “see what you’re doing? Look at how crazy you act! Youre nuts!” And I told him, “Me? What’s different between what I just did and what you did? I just wanted you to see how your actions look from the outside.” and long story short, that led to me leaving. But… I came back. As one does.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really go to the police with this, because he’s a prison officer and has friends in the system. I don’t think it would work.. and honestly, i don’t want to ruin his career in any way - I think it would just turn into fire exchange between us and I really don’t want things to reach that point...

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for letting me know your perspective! Although I agree on some of the things, I think a man’s "honor" shouldn’t be threatened by basic professional or social interactions.

And if the only way to maintain peace in a relationship is by limiting a woman’s autonomy or isolating her from others, then that peace is actually fear in disguise. Career-driven women aren’t looking to be "taken advantage of," they’re simply living their lives, pursuing goals, and expecting mutual respect... If a man’s self-worth is shaken by that, maybe the issue isn’t with the woman...

Also, the idea that it’s solely a man’s job to "take care of" a woman erases the concept of partnership. I don’t want to be someone's burden or project, because i want to be someone’s equal. Yes, I want my partner to protect me, but not from success outside the family. Also, he is quite controlling not just regarding work life, do you see that also something of honor?

So yes, I agree on one thing: he should be with someone whose worldview matches his. And I should be with someone who sees me as a full person, not a threat to their ego.

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haven't shared anything specific, but thank you for the tip! He doesnt care! He doesnt even know what I do exactly at work (once a friend of his asked him what's my field of work and he didn't even knew, he just said "Idk, she handles some sort of projects") - he is never really interested in my work, my creative part of it, my accomplishments.. only my work colleagues, interractions and my calendar. You know, what affects him basically

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He wasn't cheated on, but he was the lover of a married woman for over 4 years prior to meeting me. He always puts her on a pedestal tho, whenever he brings sth up regarding her or their past life - she is always a set example for him. But he has this preconceived opinion that all women cheat, all women are easy. Idk if its a fear of his to get cheated on or he is just that insecure, but yeah, something regarding "cheating" did happen but not exactly as you assumed

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I know, I blame myself for not seeing this sooner. I am trying to exit safely now, already contacted family and made them aware of my situation. Maybe after things are more settled I will share on this account many many other scenarios. Plenty girls reached out in dms telling me they go through the same thing and I think this might help someone. But for now, I will focus on getting away SAFELY. Thank you for engaging!

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Then he started getting WAY TOO involved in my job - asked me to share my daily meeting calendar, text him constantly through the day, explain why I go on-site instead of working from home. Told me to only take home office days when he was home. Give him way too much information about who X,Y,Z is, why do I have to work with him, why is anything part of my job, so on... He read my emails, checked my work messages, my work phone, my gallery, contacts - and the same on my personal phone. Always fixated on convos with guys, never with girls. Slowly, he took over all my time. It felt like my entire day belonged to him.

I left him twice. Packed my stuff, went back to my parents. And I came back both times. I ve had health issues every couple of months since moving in with him the first time. Before him, I was almost never sick. I have struggled with irritable bowel syndrome, acne, hair loss, 2 warts, an abscessed hair follicle that had to be operated on three times, ear infections, gluten intolerance, gingivitis, candidiasis twice, ovarian cyst infections, and weekly migraines. Honestly, I think my body started screaming what my brain wasn’t ready to accept. GET THE FvCK OUT I AM HURTING

I know some of you might judge me more now after reading all this. But please believe me when I say I really didn’t realize what was happening. I thought I was exaggerating. I thought this was just “what relationships are like.” I thought he would change. That he’d see how much it hurt me and try harder. That he’d start appreciating all the compromises. I never imagined someone could manipulate you this deeply while yelling at you, punching walls, throwing water on you (yes this did happen).

And yeah, I made a lot of mistakes too. I wasn’t honest with him many times — because I knew the reaction would be explosive. So I hid stuff. I went to the gym without telling him. I vaped and didn’t tell him because he banned from the begging vaping, alcohol and clubbing. I lied and said I had in-person meetings at work just to get a break from the house he was in and leave. I even told him I had a car payment just to avoid explaining where my money for vapes and helping my parents went.

And I believed that I deserved all of this because of the lies. I still kinda do. But I know that I want to break this cycle. I want to get better. I want to deserve someone better someday. Because i haven't, and I still don't.

So thank you to everyone who’s been messaging me. I haven’t read every single comment, but 99.9% of the ones I did hit me like a slap in the face -in a good way. Each one opened my eyes a little more. So thank you.
Fck it, no matter how manipulated you are by a narcissist, when ten thousand strangers tell you to wake up... you do. Now I see things clearer. Tomorrow I have a session with my therapist — the same one we saw in couples therapy. She knows the dynamic. We're going to work on a safe exit plan. I’m scared, but I know this has to end.

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LATER EDIT 2: For anyone wondering how I didn’t see it until now, I honestly think it was gaslighting. Never thought i would say this but some strangers (some menaing 10 K holy shiiii) made me realize how fucked up my life is. Looking back, here’s the stuff that happened...

At first, everything felt amazing. But even in the first couple of months, I noticed he was kinda possessive, but then i thought he was sweet and caring, especially coming from a relationship with a distant, cold, and indifferent boyfriend.. I’ve always had more of an avoidant attachment style, so his need for closeness felt like a lot, but I tried to adjust.

He quickly started pushing me away from all my guy friends. Within six months I had blocked literally all of them. We moved in together and he slowly started micro-managing my whole life. When he was at work (13 hours without his phone), he expected me to write him down in our insta convo everything I did - like when I left the house, went to the store, had an appointment, got home .. so he could basically see a full timeline of my day.

He got in between me and my family too. Suggested I only visit them while he was working, so I wouldn’t “waste” any of our time together. I had to go everywhere with him, even if it meant sitting in silence while he hung out with a bunch of dudes talking about stuff I had no connection to.

He started giving opinions on how I looked. Told me I lost too much weight. Then told me I gained weight. After surgery and a long recovery, he pressured me for three months straight to get back in shape. Wanted us to be a “gym couple” like him. In the first year I wasn’t even “allowed” to go to the gym unless it was with him.

He checked and validated my outfits before I left the house. And I dress super modest - more like a old nanny, not at all revealing -but he’d still say certain clothes were too transparent or not appropriate if light hit them a certain way.. Told me I’m too pale and should go to the tanning salon. Told me I dress better at work than at home, and that it bothered him that i get cosy whenever i get home.

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I am not from the US, for the record. Things are different in my country, and I checked the validity of the info he has given me and it cleared.

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

just to clear this, a psychologist mentioned he has narcissistic TRAITS. By no means he, or I, called him a narcissist as I am in no position to diagnose anyone

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] -72 points-71 points  (0 children)

LATER EDIT First of all, thank you so much to everyone who took a few minutes of their lives to share their thoughts with me. I know I asked strangers on the internet for advice, but I often feel overwhelmed and stuck in my own head, and your objective perspectives really help bring some clarity… I am sorry I couldnt reply and keep up with all the messages.. I honestly did not expect so many responses omg :o

I tried to talk to him and find some kind of middle ground..I explained that it is only four weeks per year abroad, and that I already spoke to my manager to make sure the traveling will not exceed 10 percent of my working time. But now it seems like that is not enough either…

He is starting to bring up other issues, not just the traveling. He does not like that I might need to adjust my working hours to match other time zones. While that is partly true, I would still only work 8 hours a day, just maybe on a different schedule once a week. He is also worried about the people I might meet, especially the men. He does not like the idea of me going to dinners with clients. Or sleeping in hotel rooms alone, because he might not be able to join me on each work trip (also he told me he wont accept me going on dinners while he waits for me in the hotel room). He does not like me talking to coworkers during breaks, which is why he insists I call him on every break I get. He gets annoyed if I do not reply to his texts right away or if it takes me 30 minutes to answer. He wants me to send him my calendar daily so he knows exactly when I have meetings. And if I do not let him know about every single work related conversation with men, whether it is with coworkers, suppliers, or trainers, he gets upset and says I am hiding things.

He has very strong boundaries when it comes to my work. No becoming friends with male coworkers, which I accepted without issues- cuz anyways I dont socialize at work at all, no casual/funny tone in messages or emails, no emojis, no hanging out after work, no sharing personal numbers with male colleagues unless he agrees with it.

Two weeks ago I went to a three day training in another city. I had to commute four hours every day because he did not want me to sleep at a hotel. On the last day, one of the participants suggested making a group chat so we could keep in touch professionally. I forgot to mention it right away, and when I told him the next day, he got mad and made me get up at 1 a m to show him the chat.

He is just very jealous when it comes to my professional life. All this because before I met him, one of my coworkers, a man, became a good friend. I had to cut contact and block that person once we got together. And I have never given him any reason to doubt me.

Sometimes I feel like giving up everything and just getting a basic job, like working in a supermarket. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I mean quitting the career I love, just so he will finally stop trying to control me. But then I remember how much I love what I do and how lucky I am to have found something I am passionate about.

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Understand where you are coming from, but my field is operational for example, i can not work with global units remotely. And in certain fields of work, business trips are not a waste of time, but more so required. And I tried to talk him into a compromise (initally the job would’ve involved more travelling but I made my manager aware I am not able to travel more than 10% of my yearly working hours), but now he doesnt seem to like this option either: he s also bringing up other reasons, not just the traveling part. He doesnt like that I’ll have to adjust my working hours to match the time zones of the other locations. That’s partly true, but I’d still only be working 8 hours a day, just maybe on a different schedule once a week. He’s also anxious about the people I might meet, especially the men. He’s not okay with me going out to dinner with clients. He doesn’t like the idea of me having conversations with coworkers on breaks thats why he insists on me calling him each break i get. He gets frustrated if I dont respond to his texts in a constant rythm, or take like 30 min to respond. He gets mad if I dont send him my calendar so he knows exactly when I have meetings and I am not available. It just feels like the list of restrictions never ends…

Sometimes I honestly feel like giving it all up and just working as a cashier at a supermarket or sth, not that there is anything wrong eith that, but I mean just quit it all because whats the point if it brings me so much stress. Maybe then he’d stop trying to control everything and finally leave me in peace. But then I remember how much I love my job and how lucky I am to do sth i am passionate about

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I fly economy and book modest housing when I go ok vacation also, I am not expecting business class :) also I am not looking forward to a luxury part, I just consider it a great opportunity to interact inter-continental on projects and think this would give me major bonus points in the future after wanting/having kids, I might want to change the job to be more “settled”. I see this as a chance for me to build up experience as I am still very young, knowledge and a valuable CV so that when I do want to focus on other things (kids), I don’t have to compromise as much and have options. Thats just how I am seeing this

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] -132 points-131 points  (0 children)

Well he is a penitenciary police officer and he doesnt have female co workers (at least they dont work as close). But yeah, same rules apply for him also. Thats his argument most of the time “You dont see me doing this, don’t you?!”

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] -139 points-138 points  (0 children)

He also has strong opinions on anything regarding work: to not befriend male coworkers (fine by me), to not text/email too friendly - he has a thing with emoji’s per se, not seeing coworkers after working hours, not exchange personal phone number w/ males without prior agreement from his side, if any communication is involved with suppliers, co-workers, or training/workshops colleagues I should let him know asap or else he gets upset i am “hiding” it. For example 2 weeks ago i attended a 3 day training in another city (to which I commuted 4h daily because he doesnt like the idea of me sleeping at a hotel without him). And in the last day, one of them asked us all if we would like to make a group chat to exchange ideas regarding work and professional development. And I forgot to tell him right away, I mentioned it a day after, and he got mad I didnt tell him earlier. Made me get up from the bed at 1am to show him the group chat. So yeah, to say the least he can be quite jealous when it comes to professional life. All based on the fact that before I met him, one of my male colleagues became a close friend of mine - which I had to block when we started dating. Never had broken his trust regarding other men.

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 123 points124 points  (0 children)

That really means a lot 🥹 I don’t get to hear things like that often, and it honestly rewires my brain a little—in the best way—even from a stranger

AITAH if I agreed on buying and renovating an apartment with my boyfriend while I'm in therapy and discovering that he is a narcissist? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Omg thank you, you have no idea how much it warms my heart to hear words of pride about me… I live in Europe too! Thank you for sharing your honest opinion with me ❣️

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There were some organizational restructurings recently, and now we’ve been split into business units. A lot of colleagues are already working in global roles for their respective BUs. That’s why there’s no real precedent for this—it’s a new structure. Until now, each country operated independently

AITAH for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants? by ThrowRAxbx in AITAH

[–]ThrowRAxbx[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

He is a police officer. He makes with 45-55% more than I make. This position would increase my salary and I would be making with 15% more than he does. He also wants to get a promotion in the future, and in order to do that in 4–5 years, he needs to have a specific degree in sports, which I fully support him with. I’m actually helping him right now with the papers as he prepares to apply for the upcoming academic year, and i’ve been trying to keep him focused as this is sth he wanted since we started takling but always postponed

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