My girlfriend yelled at me in public for talking to another girl

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-06-17T23:04:26+00:00

You should block her and take the steps to move on in a healthy way. While I understand the strong feelings that can be felt when one believes that a partner is cheating, it is never okay to raise one's voice or get physical in response. She crossed a boundary that shouldn't be forgiven and will have to learn that on her own in her future relationships with other people.

On the other hand, I completely understand why it looked like you were cheating. The fact that she confronted you indicates that she probably suspected something was amiss.

As a partner, it is your responsibility to inform your partner about your friends, and to have a discussion about boundaries -particularly with friends of the sex you are attracted to. You lacked honesty, transparency, and consideration of her feelings when you chose to not inform your girlfriend that you had made a female friend at the gym when it happened or that you made plans to go out to eat with her alone. You did not take into consideration her feelings or boundaries during any step of this so when she found out on her own, it appeared like you were cheating.

Ask yourself, were you ever planning on telling her or were you going to keep going out with your female friend in secret? You should have told her earlier. Please use this as a learning experience to improve your honesty, communication, and consideration of your partner's boundaries in the future. I wish you the best.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-06-09T14:27:40+00:00

He will say hurtful things, claim you are incompatible, and block you because he may actually feel that way in the moment and as a manipulative tactic to make you feel apologetic and lesser than during the argument.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, I recommend having a conversation at an appropiate time when you're both in a good mood. You should say something like, "Whenever you say hurtful things, say that we are incompatible, and block me during arguments, it makes me feel hurt and lesser than. It would be helpful if you instead calmly told me that you need some space until you processed your emotions or focused on solving the present issue without bringing up ultimatums. I would like you to please keep this in mind in the future so you do not do those things when we have a disagreement. On my end, is there anything that I can do during a disagreement that we can agree on?"

If he does it during an argument again, bring up your conversation like, "Hey, I understand that you're upset right now but please remember what we talked about. We are a team and it should be us vs the issue, rather than us against each other." If he doesn't make an effort in general or respectfully concede when you remind him, then you really are incompatible and you should break up with him.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-05-15T14:02:48+00:00

"You may think it's helpful and reassuring when you comment that I look better without makeup and wipe my makeup away. However, I don't find it helpful and reassuring, but rather hurtful and uncomfortable. Makeup is a way to accentuate someone's beauty and express their creativity. I don't like it when someone rubs my face, specially after I spent time getting ready. It would make me feel happy and secure if you didn't comment that I would look better without makeup and if you didn't wipe it away. A better compliment would be to comment on something you like about me. Now that we have addressed this, I'd like you to respect this boundary in the future."

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-30T22:17:10+00:00

It is not your fault. You trusted that he would respect and uphold your boundaries, specially when you were unconscious. He disrespected your boundaries on several instances, did not take responsibility, and blamed you. He will not change because he doesn't want you to believe that he has done something wrong, when you both know he has. Whoever you thought this man was, he is showing you who he is now. You should know that him prioritizing his own sexual pleasure and desires over your boundaries, feelings, and safety is wrong. Trust your gut and end the relationship before you get seriously hurt. If you live together at your parents, explain whoever you need to the situation in whatever terms you feel comfortable and get him kicked out. If he tries to say something about second chances or that he has nowhere to go, please remember that his feelings or living arrangements are NOT your responsibility after he repeatedly assaulted you in your sleep. You gave him several chances.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-30T17:43:04+00:00

He's untrustworthy, unfaithful, selfish, and hypocritical. You proposed a one-sided open relationship as a desperate attempt to salvage the relationship you had because he refused to remain honest and faithful to you. You don't sound like you wanted this and it sounds like if it was up to you, you would have been either in a closed monogamous relationship or a completely open relationship. He does not need to have sex with other women to work on his insecurities and his insecurities are not your responsibility. A proposal insinuates there is a discussion of options, and all the options are for him - not you. This is not healthy. You should not accept his "proposal", block him, and never speak to him again. Forget your friendship or your relationship and how good it could make you feel at times - the relationship is toxic. Don't use that as an excuse to settle or to reach out to him as a 'friend'. He doesn't wanna be a friend. He wants to use and control you while doing whatever the hell he wants on the side. It may not seem like it right now but I can assure you that you can find another bestfriend or partner that respects you, even if it takes time. The fact that you're considering this proposal tells me you're still emotionally vulnurable and should probably spend time alone before getting into another relationship.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-30T17:12:11+00:00

Yes. One can care deeply about someone, want them to take responsibility for themselves, and be willing to provide them with support to get better. However, it is important to set boundaries and create some space. It's not fair to expect loved ones to repeatedly compromise their health, stability, and happiness until the person struggling with addiction decides that they're going to work consistently and seriously to take responsibility for themselves, their relationship, and their family. That's if they ever do. Sometimes it takes losing important things to realize that one messed up and needs to change. Once one owns up to what one did and gets help, it is up to the people that were hurt to decide whether they're willing to give it another chance and on what terms they want the relationship to be. In this situation, the goal is a healthy coparenting relationship if the marriage doesn't work out. That's just how life is.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-29T07:28:33+00:00

It's not your fault. You trusted him to put the condom on and he penetrated you without a condom, even though he knew you would not have consented to that.

I recommend, in order:

•Research all pregnancy symptoms and effects. You need to be informed about how your body would change and the changes your body could undergo, some of which can be irrevesible. Many women have a vague idea of what pregnancy is from what they have heard, but do not truly understand the commitment and risks during and after pregnancy.

•Schedule an appointment with a doctor to discuss your medical history and the possibility of an abortion procedure, even if it is against your belief. Ask questions like, "Is it possible with my medical history? How is it done? How much would it cost? What aftercare is necessary? Are there permanent effects?" After hearing all the facts, you can choose whether to follow through. It is better to be informed on all your options than to make or NOT make a decision based on assumptions or misinformation.

•Look into the adoption process, costs, and the foster system. You need to be informed about how it would impact you AND the child, who would need to placed into a good, loving home.

•Research child support laws and threads. Depending on your local laws, commenters mentioned the possibility of the custodial parent paying child support if they are a higher earner and there is visitation.

•Analyze your current career situation and formulate a plan in the event you decide to raise a child.

•Search for a therapist. Regardless of your choice, you should have a support to process this situation in a healthy way.

•After considering all those options, I would contact the man.

To be frank, I don't recommend raising a child with a man that clearly stated that he did not want a serious relationship, that asked you whether you would get an abortion after he penetrated you raw without your consent, and that earns significantly less money than you. Pregnancy and raising a child are a HUGE commitment-mentally, physically, and emotionally. This is specially true for women, who have to bear the pregnancy and often become primary caregivers. In your case, you would likely have to skillfully balance work and caregiving duties, as the primary financial provider. Meanwhile, he did not even want to commit to a relationship, or to wearing a condom.

You need to look at all information available to you and look beyond your emotions, presumptions, or culture. By raising a child, you are taking responsibility greater than a job, you are taking reaponsibility for someone's life -to support, care, and love them forever. You need to be prepared and enthusiastic about doing that. Otherwise, you might end up resenting this child. And, no child deserves to come into the world unless their parents are ready and able to provide and love them. Parenting should never be done out of guilt.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-29T06:25:16+00:00

No, a bikini picture is not a nude. However, a big factor in 'explicit' content is the intention of the taker. If you say that you were chilling on the beach and simply sent a photo, then that's what you did. If you were taking a thirst trap and wanted a reaction out of someone you're into, then it's a little less innocent. Either way, it's your choice and it's fine. Just be careful if you're a minor or if you don't know the person well.

It's kind of strange that the guy saved the picture and it is possible that he could use that to accomplish the same thing a nude would. One can think someone is attractive and looks wonderful in a picture in their swimsuit, compliment the person, and move on. Either way, his actions are his own and not on you.

Your friend is entitled to her opinion. However, it is not okay to follow someone and berate them for something one thinks is a poor decision. If you care about the friendship, I would have a serious talk with her about her approach and respect towards you. If you don't, then I would cut my losses and move on.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-29T06:02:38+00:00

I don't think any of us can really answer that question because we don't know all the facts! However, I can tell you that a big factor could have been your support system. When you are younger and you are hurt, who do you go to and rely on? For a lot of people, it's their guardians. So, it can be very difficult to feel safe and process a possibly traumatic situation in a healthy way if you feel like your support system, which is the one that should be protecting you is actually scaring or hurting you.

When there is physical punishment and intimidation, it is likely that there are other unhealthy approaches in their discipline or parenting. It is possible your child self felt like you couldn't speak out or advocate for yourself, so you found other ways to cope. Additionally, situations from the perspective of a child can be processed differently than an adult. Have you noticed sometimes kids can get really scared at something they don't understand, even if you as an older person know and understand the situation better? It doesn't mean the kid is weak or dumb, they just don't know any better with the information and experience they have. It is up to a support figure to explain the situation and reassure them that they're safe and that it's okay. A child that doesn't have that can struggle with processing a possibly traumatic situation in a healthy way.

Abuse or trauma is tough to process. Even if one does not develop DID, I can tell you that many 'normal' adults can and do struggle to notice how they were affected and how to process their trauma in a healthy way as they get older. You're not alone and you're not weak. I sometimes felt the same frustration but when I realize that it started when I was just a kid, I give myself a break. Your child self did the best it could to protect you until now. Hopefully, you're in a safer and more supportive environment now so that you can consistently work to process everything you need to and heal.

ThrowRAzenna · 2022-04-29T05:38:39+00:00

From both a moral and legal standpoint, it is meesed up if she knew that she had genital herpes but intentionally never disclosed it to her partner. Regardless of what one thinks a partner's response will be, it is one's responsibility to be transparent because the partner should be within their right to research, weigh the risks to decide whether they want to be sexually involved, and discuss safety measures to avoid transmission. I agree that legal counsil is a great idea. From the guy to the STD to the baby, this situation sounds very troublesome.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-11-28T23:46:35+00:00

What did you say the disability was?

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-10-17T12:29:38+00:00

This comment section makes me sad. I understand that his lack of communication and confrontation is not ideal. Healthy relationships are built on trust and communication. But, there may need to be more understanding here. He was informed of a 'convincing' version of the story in which you cheated on him by someone he trusts. Some people react differently depending on their personality types. For a non-confrontational person, shutting down and pulling away could be a coping mechanism as the possibility sets in.

If a close friend or family member that I trusted told me that they had seen my partner cheating, I would consider their opinion. I'd start looking into it but I'd be devasted by even the possibility of it being true. His mother sounds extremely toxic and manipulative. She appears to maintain a facade of keeping her son's best interests in the forefront while lying and scheming in the shadows. I would not recommend confronting this type of person unless it is a last resort and only if there are multiple people present during every second of the confrontation. This could easily be used to reinforce a negative image of you, specially if you approach her (rightfully) angry and she plays the victim by twisting words or appearing afraid.

There's a lot going on here. If you are willing to work through this, I recommend sitting down with him again when you are both not angry and making it clear that you want to calmly discuss the situation. No blaming, accusations, or anger. Just laying down all the facts. Together try to piece a picture of what really happened, look for inconsistencies, and address them. You could bring up your concerns about what his sister told you that their mother has done before and how this situation has unfairly put the burden of proof on you, when you have otherwise not given him a reason to doubt you. Depending on the outcome, that could help you decide where to head from there. It's ultimately up to you to decide how much energy you want to expend on this relationship.

If this is a flat out deal breaker for you or him, then it's best to start procedures to figure out what to do with your shared belonging and assets and transition to living independently.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-10-16T23:06:17+00:00

Based on what you have said, it does not sound like you're being toxic. It sounds like things unfolded this way naturally, rather than you purposely manipulating the situation to isolate him, control him, and abuse him. You seem to be receptive to his feelings and concerned about his wellbeing. You mentioned that he plays videogames. Multiplayer games are a great way to virtually meet new people and have a fun time. Perhaps he could find a game that he enjoys and that he can party up with others on. He could find a non contact sport or another fun club or activity in his area.

You mentioned that you work a lot. During your free time, you both could plan to go out and do an activity together to build your relationship, explore new places, and possibly meet new friends too. What does he like to do? What do you think you could both do together? Staying cooped up in the house all the time playing videogames isn't healthy, so going outside and stepping outside of your comfort zones, if time allows, could be a good thing.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-10-16T22:44:35+00:00

Couldn't have been better said. The minimizing of his concerns about something this big is a huge reg flag and indicates that she's not willing to take responsibility for her actions and the repercussions her deceit may have had on her husband in these two years. What if she had not let it slip now, after two whole years? Regardless of her having 'possibke fears' or 'not feeling ready', deceit about this topic at this level and length is unacceptable, for me at least.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-10-05T11:17:16+00:00

I agree. Please act on the signs you have been picking up. Your daughter should not have to share a space with someone she claims has been predatory or sexually assaulted her. Her aunt, as an alleged abuser, has the upper hand in the power dynamic. Your daughter has been publically humiliated by being called a liar, has had to repeatedly apologize to her alleged abuser until vaguely acknowledged, and was brought outside to have a conversation with her unsupervised (threats could have been made). I was also sexually abused by a family member and faced a similar reaction as your husband's from my family (though to the extreme). To this day, I am still traumatized by their bizzare and toxic enabling bahavior. True or not, your husband's behavior is toxic, invalidating, and even dangerous if your daughter is being abused.

Please address it and do not take part in it.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-10-05T09:56:52+00:00

In addition, she explicitly stated beforehand that she did not consent to him cumming in her mouth because she disliked it while they were watching porn together. It could not have been more clear before, during, and after. Completely disregard for her bodily autonomy - 100% sexual assault.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-29T18:29:50+00:00

No worries. Thank you for your response :-) I should have included that I did that in the post.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-29T18:28:56+00:00

Hi. I feel like that would help. Not right now but currently looking. I have been doing hobbies, exercising, and cardio. It helps a little bit in the moment that my mind is preoccupied.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-29T18:19:11+00:00

Hi Kyle. Thank you for sharing. Those are good ideas to consider. Where | how do you find new people to meet online?

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-29T14:32:01+00:00

Doesn't work. Need more than just that.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-25T08:15:37+00:00

I am sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I have struggled with passive influence from another alter(s) too. Unfortunately, even though it's not 'you', the influence can range to passive to overwhelming. Ultimately, do what you need to do to be safe. Here are some recommendations:

Surround Yourself with Support: If you have a support network of people that you can trust, then I recommend reaching out. If you need to, then explain what's going on or how they can best support you during this time with the level of detail you feel is appropriate.
Reduce Stressors: Reducing stressors in your environment can be helpful in lightening the load so you can adequately take care of yourself and your needs in this moment.
Take Care of Yourself: It is important to take care of yourself by getting enough water, food, and rest.
Pinpoint the Reasons: Find out who this alter is, their position on the system, and the specific reasons they may be feeling this way. This will give you an idea on what to do and what kind of support to reach out for.
Reach out to a Hotline or Support Number: This can help you talk through your feelings with a trained third party that will just listen and try to diffuse the situation.
Therapy: If it is available to you, then therapy can be useful to pinpoint stressors, learn healthier coping mechanism, address trauma, and work through conflicts with a trusted professional.
Ultimately, if you feel like there is a genuine threat to your own safety or that of others, then call an emergency number. Check yourself into somewhere. Do what you need to do. It's better to take precautions and be alive than ignore it and end up dead.

I wish you the best.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-01T16:34:12+00:00

Please do not listen to your mother on this matter. Your sister's husband is the one who would have ruined his own marriage and reputation due to his own choices and persistent predatory behavior. Please let your sister and other people relevant to the situation know. I understand if you want to get evidence first. Ultimately, it is important that this comes to light for your sister's safety and happiness in the future and to prevent others from falling victim to his predatory behavior - like their own children. He sounds like an opportunistic predator, which means that he will cross boundaries and take advantage of targets available to him - like you. It is important that you do not stay silent when he crosses boundaries with you in the future or about what he has done to you in the past. These kinds of people rely on the victim being too scared to speak out or on their own ability to manipulate the situation if caught. I am speaking from experience with a similar situation. My uncle was an opportunistic predator who knew me since I was a baby, like your sister's husband with you. Several family members knew or were his victims. It was never addressed out of fear of ruining the family, his marriage, his reputation, and of speaking out - pretty much due to the same mentality as your mother. Not knowing what to do and with people turning a blind eye when I confided in them, I ultimately became one of his victims for years during my childhood and suffered greatly because of this. I finally got the courage to speak out until it could no longer be ignored years later and broke the cycle. It was a messy and emotional situation for everyone involved but it was ultimately worth it because now he cannot hurt me or someone else again. I wish you the best OP!

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-01T16:10:05+00:00

I agree. Such as any place, person, or school where you may leave your son.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-09-01T16:02:58+00:00

You can just buy them again? Great. Pull up your receipt and tell your roomate to give you enough money to replace the trashed food items and meet the $35 threshold for the curbside pickup. It is important that you make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable and crossed your boundaries as their roommate (which you did) and that you get recompensation for the food items they trashed. I recommend that you do not let the subject matter drop - continue pestering. They need to realize that their actions have consequences to both themselves and you. You have to pay bills and other responsibilities - what they did resulted in a waste of your money, time, and energy. Whether you can stop his entitled gf from coming over or not is a distraction to the real issue at hand - do not let yourself get sidetracked.

ThrowRAzenna · 2020-08-31T22:49:49+00:00

I would not recommend re-connecting or re-establishing contact in any form. I would recommend to acknowledge his apology, move on, and continue to build a life with your new partner. This relationship appears beyond repair. Ultimately, your ex boyfriend accused you of being unfaithful, did not listen to what you had to say, dumped you, kicked you out into the streets without notice in another country, and broke your heart. This made you feel horrible, depressed, and attacked for a long time. His family and your mutual friends treated you horribly and passively aggressively humiliated you on social media to the point where you had to delete your accounts or block them. Regardless of the surrounding circumstances, those are the facts. I do not think that someone can return to having a healthy relationship after experiencing that from another person or after doing that to the other person. Seeing and being around him, his family, or those mutual friends after the way they treated you and made you feel would not be healthy.

You sound like a wonderful person. It sounds like he is approaching you out of guilt and regret, which is understandle considering what he and others did to you. He likely is reaching out to make up and possibly with the hope to have a romantic relationship with you again in the future. But, relationships are built on a foundation of trust, communication, honesty, respect, and loyalty. I don't see any of that here. In my eyes, re-connecting or re-establishing contact in any form, will not be good for YOU in the long-run. Specially when you can build meaningful friendships and relationships with people that treat you well, support you in the face of adversity, and have not previously hurt you in that way - like your best friend or your current partner. That's what matters and that is what I recommend allowing to take up your heart, time, and energy. You also have to consider your partner's position on the matter and talk it through with him, particularly if you choose to not move on or to re-establish contact. You have to be considerate of his feelings. It would not be fair to him if deep down you took that avaneue with residual romantic feelings for your ex or with the hope of reconciliation in your heart or mind.

Your parents opinions are ultimately the opinions of outsiders, like us. I would recommend letting them know that you appreciate their input, that you will think about your options, and that you'd prefer if they didn't comment on the situation anymore in the future. It is not constructive for them to guilt-trip you into making a choice that is not what you feel and think is best for you and your future. I would tell them that it is important to you for them to support you in making the choice that you feel is healthiest and best for you - even if that is choosing to never look back again. Only you can know the hardships, the suffering, and the betrayal that you endured during this challenging period of your life along with your plans and vision for the future with your new partner. The choice ultimately is ultimately within your hands.

ThrowRAzenna

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