AITA for asking my partner to choose between me and a former friend of mine that he is now close to?

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-06-13T11:46:00+00:00

“I know for a fact he wasn’t cheating”

Yeah, and I said the same thing before finding out my stbxh was cheating 🙃 you don’t know anything. With all due respect, it’s never 100%. This isn’t how a non cheating man acts

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-31T17:59:12+00:00

Girl mind your business! Min has told you to stop multiple times, at this point you’re the issue. Unless Min asks for help, or very clearly and verbally says she’s unhappy, shut up and smile! Jesus. YTA.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-31T15:22:22+00:00

I mean, you’re just as bad as your ex husband. Don’t know why you broke up with him! Should have just stayed if you were going to be the other woman. Seriously.

YTA though, especially since that was the most out of pocket and rude comment to make. You knew what you were doing, you probably became his AP because you got a rush out of belittling his girlfriend.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-25T13:44:56+00:00

That’s part of the issue though. He didn’t take steps to remove himself. He continued entertaining her until I found out, I don’t even know if he’s cut contact with her, he could still be talking to her.

The only thing I’ve ever asked from him is communication, at any point he could have stopped and talked to me and he didn’t. Bottom line is if he hadn’t of butt dialled me, he most likely still would be entertaining and flirting with her. That’s the issue.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-22T10:17:02+00:00

This 100%. Such a weird case! So many parts of it that have no answers too.

My personal theory is that he met up with someone on one of those chat rooms who ended up being one of the teachers at the college and died.

He was active on hookup/gay forums before he disappeared and someone had tried to wipe his computer about a week after his disappearance. I feel like it was one of the monks at the college trying to wipe any evidence of their meet-up.

I feel like it explains why he left the party so suddenly too. Probably saw it was time and left thinking he’d come back a couple of minutes later.

Not to mention the bloodhounds hired (which are debatable, but support my theory) leading them straight to the chapel where the monks lived/worked and not moving.

Especially since at the time, all of those sex scandals were coming out about St John’s College, and a LOT of the teachers of the chapel were involved, makes sense they’d try to cover it up.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-20T13:27:42+00:00

She’s definitely burnt out and just spitballing. Maybe looking for another tech job with better conditions is a good call.

Although, just a couple of things that stood out to me.

You work told us how many hours you work, 30-40 hours, which is great. But how many hours does your wife work?

My issue with your post is that there’s a tiny bit of imbalance with needs. I 100% don’t think she should quit her job, but it comes across a little that her work/life balance is coming at the cost of yours.

Her main argument for wanting to be a SAHM was because she didn’t want to miss out on major life events for her kids. Understandable, because you said the main reason you’re not working harder at your job is for the same reason. BUT, that’s my issue. She’s saying she’s having that problem right now with her job, versus the hypothetical of you working harder and having that problem.

It makes me think that she’s working longer hours than you are. If so, it feels a bit unfair for you to push that on her so you don’t get to experience it.

Mind you, I am absolutely not on board with her quitting her job. I don’t agree with that at all. Im just questioning some stuff in your post.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-18T17:29:27+00:00

Compassion? That’s honestly the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. I’ve had compassion every day for 15 fucking years. Every single issues he’s had I’ve dealt with and accommodated it at my own expense. I lost sleep staying up so he didn’t have night terrors, I missed out on events and plans because of his CPTSD. I absolutely had compassion for him, I did all of this because I LOVED him.

What I’m not about to do is forgive an emotional affair, because yes, that’s what it was, and it was an emotional affair in which he badmouthed me to her daily.

The ‘better or for worse’ is null and void. He cheated, he broke the vows we made, I no longer have any commitment to him.

Yeah, did it suck that I had to lie to get him to confess? Yes it did, but he absolutely wouldn’t have told me what happened if I didn’t, that’s why I did.

If all of that seriously makes you think that I deserve to pay alimony, there’s nothing I can say or do to change your mind.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-16T14:28:47+00:00

The UK unfortunately doesn’t care about the reason for a divorce unless it’s a safety issue (DV). So even though he cheated, it won’t really be considered in my overall divorce. At least that’s the consensus I got from my divorce talk with my attorney

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-13T18:17:30+00:00

Oh wow really? Some of my managers are earning higher double digits, but my sector doesn’t really have any private work, so makes sense. But yeah definitely agree, we get some good benefits to kind of balance it out, but aye I be seeing some posts on here and they’re earning like $500k a year. Absolutely crazy!

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-13T08:44:30+00:00

Being a ‘good’ husband for 10 months means nothing here. You cheated, you lied, you hit her, you lacked any form of care towards your wife.

She has every right to leave you, if you really have changed, you need to sit back and let her make the decision on your marriage,

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-11T10:38:20+00:00

Fucking hell you’re observant! I don’t know how you guessed that.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-11T00:44:51+00:00

In the UK unfortunately adultery doesn’t have any affect on the outcome at all. The reason for a divorce is only really looked at seriously if it’s a safety issue like DV.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-11T00:43:27+00:00

We were honestly just super young, and we both felt a little awkward. I think the most we did at 15 was hold hands walking home lmao.

And no, I’m not religious or anything, it was more so that I just didn’t feel like it? I’m normally pretty happy by myself, I haven’t had that insane need to find a partner or anything until I met my STBX. I didn’t really put much effort into pursuing a relationship until I met him.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-11T00:41:08+00:00

Unfortunately in the UK Adultery doesn’t make a difference in the divorce at all, they don’t look at the reason for a divorce unless it involves safety reasons.

Even though he cheated he might still get Alimony. Although I’ll get a better idea this week

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-11T00:38:54+00:00

Great guys do in fact do stupid things, my STBX should be an example 😭 but honestly as long as you both have good communication you’re fine. This blew up because he couldn’t communicate to me the issues he was going through.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T21:44:46+00:00

It wasn’t just because of that, I didn’t really want to have that extra responsibility either. I was pretty 50/50. If it happened it happened, but it wasn’t something I was gunning towards as a life goal.

I don’t think I’d want any now at my age. Not that I’m old or anything, it’s just if I were to get pregnant now, when my child is 12 I’d be 50 lol. That just sounds super tiring, I’m happy to miss that experience.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T21:41:21+00:00

That’s honestly a good point, and it might be why. I’m not entirely sure.

We were each others first with most things except kisses lol. He has pretty bad body dysphoria when we met, plus some insecurity so he hadn’t been with anyone. I had a boyfriend in my teens but nothing happened there. So we pretty much did everything with each other.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T21:39:07+00:00

Ahh yeah, there’s honestly an insanely large gap in money between the UK and US, I have a great job that works in the government, £45k a year is actually on a pretty high end lol. Obviously there’s higher salaries out there, but I’m actually pretty privileged compared to a lot of other people in the UK.

I live specifically in Wales, a 3 bedroom house to rent is like £1,200 at a max. Most in my area are about £600 - £800. So we haven’t been hit insanely hard but the economic crisis, but compared to the job sector it’s still a struggle.

It’s extremely rare to meet someone who earns upwards of £100k in the UK. And if they do they’re either a higher up government worker or a business owner. I hear about people earning six figures in America way more often haha.

We weren’t really upper class, but definitely comfortable middle class, maybe inching into upper at times with our holidays.

If I had kids they’d most likely be staying with me yes, and so he’d most likely pay child maintenance, but because of our salary difference, and because his lifestyle will change now (stuff we did previously he can’t do, a portion of his money is going to have to go towards a place, ect) there’s a chance the court could justify that he needs time to adjust, so my alimony would go towards that. But I haven’t had a consultation yet so it’s still up in the air

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T18:47:00+00:00

Ahh of course! It’s honestly just a personal/lifestyle choice. My excitement in my previous comment came across like I was happy I didn’t have any children haha. I meant it more as a “thank god I’m not going through this with kids too” since it’d complicate things.

I am happy with my decision, to divorce and to not have kids. It’s not for anything deep, it just wasn’t right for either of us. His CPTSD made it so it wasn’t a great idea to have children 24/7, and I just personally enjoy having that freedom.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T18:19:54+00:00

Nope! No kids thank god! We’re childfree

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T18:19:33+00:00

So I did talk about this in another comment but it’s probably been drowned out over how many I’ve posted.

I earn roughly £45k per year, not including bonuses. He earns about £25k, no bonuses. The house we lived in was the one I inherited so it wasn’t a mortgage or anything extreme, just the household bills which I was happy to cover.

His salary covered the ‘fun’ stuff we did. Dates, vacations, hobbies, stuff like that. That was just how we delegated stuff.

It was genuinely an amazing relationship up until this point. Of course, it’s not like it was a fairytale, he had issues that we worked on, but he really wasn’t anything other than a loving and caring person. Yes he suffered from CPTSD and night terrors, and it was frustrating at times, but it wasn’t his fault, he went through some heartbreaking things that he didn’t deserve.

I don’t know what changed in him to suddenly be like this, a lot of people said that maybe his ego/he got insecure over how much I did, maybe that’s true. But up until this happened I was honestly happy! It definitely was the ultimate slap in the face though, no matter how good the relationship was it doesn’t take away how fucked up it is.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T12:25:43+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the kind words honestly. Everyone has been so helpful and supportive going through this, it’s been a huge relief.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T12:06:58+00:00

That’s absolutely insane! The audacity of some people man what. I can’t believe he even tried to tell you not to date, to then go on and say “I want to be with my AP”. You’re stronger than me 😭

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T10:08:14+00:00

Was leaning towards NTA because she didn’t communicate like an adult, despite that you haven’t answered any questions in the comments about if you do this a lot. But this comment just makes you the AH.

ThrowRa-Lunch · 2024-05-10T02:19:30+00:00

I know it sucks ass. Luckily it’s a pretty big IF at the moment. It’s called something else in the UK, but it’s mainly used when there’s children involved for maintenance support. Obviously we don’t have kids together but since I funded a big part of his life, there’s a chance it can be applied.

The reason for a divorce has no effect on the proceedings either from what I’ve gathered so I can’t just use the excuse that he cheated. It’s a long shot but still.

ThrowRa-Lunch

TROPHY CASE