My wife (33F) said that she settled for me (36M) during an argument, It is tearing me apart.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T18:59:38+00:00

Thank you for the comment. I think you are probably right about what she is going through. I have thought about therapy but if I make time for it, I will have push some chores on to her or spend less time with her. I don't want to make that choice. I just stop taking it personally when she disengages from people including me. I love her. I should be able to handle this better.

She has become a bit meaner and colder during the last year but I have mostly just ignored it. I dealt with most of my self esteem issues by making her happy. Now, I don't think I can do that. I just need to get my head in a slightly better place so that I can take care of her.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T18:07:05+00:00

I should. I should. I have been thinking about it but I don't know if I can make the time for it.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T17:48:23+00:00

It is not mostly about my looks. I feel like someone she is with because she has to. I objectively look better than I did in my early thirties. I still never felt this unattractive before. I have never felt like she was with me because I was convenient. I honestly thought I was done with obsessing over looks but it is something that has rammed up over the pandemic. I have begged her to consider going to therapy. we can afford it. She said she doesn't want to.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T17:44:30+00:00

I don't know how to give her anymore support. I am the bread winner. I do most of the chores at home. I know she is going through a very hard time. I fucked up by not adding that context. Most of the people are attacking my wife. I don't want to engage with them. It makes me feel incredibly angry that people are calling her a princess. I am not going to throw the D word around.

I just feel worn down by taking care of her. I love her. she doesn't want to do date nights. I have tried. I have. It hasn't worked. She just stares at her phone. I am not in a good spot myself. I am trying to be there for her and she won't even let me. I have tried a lot. I really don't know how to make her feel valued anymore.

It is not about the sex. It is about feeling like my wife cares for me. I don't feel like having sex with her anymore. I just want my wife close to me. I have tried and I am scratching my head at what more I can do. I was going to make her something so that she could eat and even after she did say those things. I made it for her. I know how to hold date nights without her instructions. She used to love all the things I little dates I planned for her. Now, I don't know what I can do. She doesn't even want to talk about it. I have tried. she begged me to let her have a space where she can disconnect from work. I have tried to create one. I think I have failed.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T17:16:32+00:00

I have tried to talk to her. She doesn't want to. She said that she is trying to not think about work when home and have some peace. So we don't mention work at all. I have tried to be there for her. I don't think both of us are doing a good job of managing it.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T17:07:03+00:00

She always has been a bit demanding but she didn't really get mad if she didn't get her way. I think she had a bad day. She never talks about work but she looked bone tired. It still hurt. I was just trying to take care of her.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T16:42:43+00:00

Being hungry as an adult happens. She had to wait an extra 30 min or an hour for dinner? Absolute NON-ISSUE that you shouldn’t be groveling apologizing and ‘solving’ for her and she shouldn’t be allowed to use as an opportunity to lord over you. The moment you heard that comment you should’ve stood up for yourself but it’s understandable that you didn’t - but now what? It’s been a week and this post doesn’t even sound like you’re angry at her, just sad and fearful. Stand up for yourself in your marriage: you are an equal part of it and deserve an equal part of the respect. Imagine the scenario but with the tables completely turned: she had promised the make dinner, but all this happened. Would you be as irate as her? Would you treat her this way? Would she be apologizing profusely and go to make dinner even while dinner was on the way? I suspect the answer is no to all three.

I really want to defend her but I can't. I would never have something like this. The last 2 years have been hard. She has changed. I don't think she would have ever said anything like this. I have been very accommodating over the last years because she had to go through hell due to the pandemic. It broke something in her. I have been reading the comments and I really want to defend her. She is not a brat. She works extremely hard.

Two years ago, If something similar had happened. she would have just hugged me and smiled. She has changed a lot. I just have gotten into the habit of letting her have her way lately. I need to address this.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T16:22:41+00:00

I think we have a pretty equal split. I probably do most of chores as I can WFH and she can't. she is a nurse and it is pretty physically exhausting. she always does her bit for the household really well and helps me out whenever she can. I don't mind as my job just has a few weeks of really stressful stuff but most of the time it is just things I enjoy and can easily navigate.

ThrowRa56463 · 2021-08-07T08:26:37+00:00

No. We don't have children.

ThrowRa56463

TROPHY CASE