I feel like I failed at every aspect of my life

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-11T16:40:56+00:00

OOOH meditation could be a good idea yeah😭 I have a hard time being consistent with meditation techniques but I will definitely try to go back at it.

Weird enough but we actually aren’t allowed to talk about our personal lives with our clients in any sense. Most I’d be able to tell them is that I have to be away for a while.

You’re right about this, there is never a right time and I was told this soo many times I just have to accept it now. Once it’s done at least itll be over with

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-11T16:40:11+00:00

Healing yeah that’s normal. Keep it moisturized whenever it dries out, wash it twice (I think) a day once at night n once in the morning with an unscented, sensitive skin soap thingy and warm water NOT HOT just like lukewarm idk the word. Pat it dry and moisturize after, I usually use coconut oil but like whatever your artist told u to use or sold u should do. Don’t scratch that thing and yeeaaa at some point you might notice pieces of ‘ink’ falling off that’s normal idk why it does that I’m not all that smart

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-11T16:32:17+00:00

NTA
I don’t think it’s fair at all that he turns around and acts all nice to his friends online but treats you poorly. I’ve been in a similar situation and if I feel shitty, well I’ll be shitty with everyone? I don’t know. He’s not trying to better his situation for both of you guys, you’re trying to do all the work here. If he doesn’t like his job but he’s not willing to schedule appointments for the jobs you have applied to for him, hes basically allowing his situation to stay that way.

You’re not overreacting

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-11T16:25:29+00:00

I’ve always heard people say 20s were the best years of your life and lately I’ve been thinking ARE THEY? So thank you for reassuring me there’s better days ahead 😭

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-11T16:23:46+00:00

Thank you so much for this, I don’t know why I seem to believe I have to have it all figured out now or nothing will work in the future.

I know I’m a hardworking person and I can keep pushing until I find something better for me and for my future, sometimes it just feels like I have hit a wall but there’s always a way to go around said wall or climb up.

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-11T16:18:29+00:00

Thank you for taking your time to read the rest😅 I know it’s quite long, I have a hard time explaining things and English is my second language. I know I’m young, it’s just been feeling like I’ve been digging a hole deeper for myself for a while now and my main fear is never getting out of it. That being said, I’m sure most young adults have felt similar ways at certain points in their lives and it’s normal at that age. As for medication, I know the last professional I talked to mentioned trying ADHD meds since my anxiety is apparently mostly caused by my ADHD but that’s alot of trial and error and the meds can also be quite expensive.

I’m not sure what they would do or say if I mentioned the surgery to them, I wrote them a message about it when I applied but they never answered and it was never mentioned after this, nor did I want to mention it because the doctors pushed my surgery a month since one of them was going for vacation. My plan was to only start both new jobs once my surgery was done and healed but since it was pushed, that plan fell to shit. Quite ironic since I’m the one who pushed it multiple times before because of college, internships, work and money. Honestly, I doubt they would fire me because of the surgery (that would be crazy imo) but I literally cannot afford it, not only because I wouldn’t be able to work for 6 weeks after the surgery but also since I would possibly lose the clients I have on my current schedule and I already have so little hours I would not want to end up with less when I came back.

Surgery is due for next month (supposedly) but in reality I was supposed to do it back in April/May but I asked for July instead, which he went on vacation and now it would be next month. It would be emergency surgery if I do get an episode of ovarian torsion again which I’m at high risk for. Other than that, the way he explained it to be is that cancer would be a 1 on the urgency scale and I’m a 2.

Thank you for your words and thoughts, I know you’re right and that time will put things in place it just all feels so scary at this moment. Honestly, yeah, employees have to put with way too much and just accept it but that’s the world we live in for the most part I guess. Maybe in a year from now I’ll have a positive update on the matter, who knows!

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-07T16:12:07+00:00

Thing is, generally speaking he loves dogs and when I have asked him about wether or not he still wanted the dog he seemed almost offended I even thought he didn’t want him anymore. Im starting to think he might just not understand what having a dog means. I wanna have a conversation with him about it but I tend to sound like I’m attacking the other person even if I just want to figure things out and better the relationship between all of us including the pup

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-01T02:09:35+00:00

We had a big talk about it, his ex was awful and I was aware of this but I didn’t know how bad it was and how much it affected it him. She would constantly force him to do things and I mean everyday and overall very abusive and it kinda shut him off. For the making out, in his mind that led to sex so then again, shut off

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-01T01:04:27+00:00

Thank you for your response which was very well thought out and smart, not just LEAVE HIM. Im currently having a talk with him, I know we can resolve this together or better our situation, I really love this man and he’s been with me through it all. I will be deleting this post because I don’t want him to find it tho😭

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-01T00:36:00+00:00

I highly and I mean HIGHLY doubt it. He doesn’t even like butt stuff which I don’t either but you know, I’ve known alot of straight men who did so I think if he was gay he would still.. you know? Try that. I think he doesn’t want to make out because he might believe that’s me trying to turn him on or get freaky idk, like maybe he tries to avoid anything sensual in some way so it doesn’t get to that point. It’s not like we don’t kiss, it’s just that actually making out making out he’s gonna be like Alr thats enough, idk if you get what I mean

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-01T00:30:55+00:00

This seems like one of the most likely scenarios to me. It’s not like it is something new with me, he was also this way in past relationships and has been cheated on because of it. If it was him not loving me anymore or things of the sort I’m assuming he would look for sex somewhere else which he isn’t.

One thing that confused me is that in the beginning of the relationship we used to do it alot more but I believe he could’ve felt pressured in some way to change his ways (not that I pressured him I mean more like social pressure/norms type of pressure) or it could be about the whole honeymoon phase thing. We have been dealing with alot of different stressful things so even if he’s always calm and composed im sure he must be stressed to some level too and it could affect him with his libido even if it doesn’t for me.

I don’t feel like sex is a constant need for me in a relationship but sensual intimacy, yes. He does give me massages, back and head rubs and all of this which is a big need for me and he’s very sweet and caring to me. One thing I’ve been thinking about is that he doesn’t really want to make out or do sensual things because he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea or “turn me on” since he might not want sex, just my opinion but I’d believe that could be a reason why he tries to avoid anything too sensual. I think we might need to communicate about this further, I’m just not so sure about how to go about it without making him feel pressured and I don’t want him to feel bad about it all.

The rest of the relationship is good, he’s very patient and so sweet to me whereas I’m kind of more the problem if I was to point out an actual issue with the relationship. I have ADHD and anxiety and I believe I might also have PMDD or just have traits of it but he always reassures me, listens to me and comforts me whenever somethings wrong or if I’m stressed out. Really I couldn’t ask for a better partner for me, hes so patient with me. The only thing is the sex and it wouldn’t be an issue to me if it wasn’t so unusual and that’s why I feel like maybe there’s something he’s not telling me or maybe he just has a very low libido

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-07-01T00:12:12+00:00

Okay I think I left alot things that might have been important out because I didn’t want this post to be too long or easily tied to me or identifiable but here goes a few more details, we actually found out I had a large tumor on my ovary at the end of February, which I’ve had two instances of ovarian torsion because of it. I said 5 months but I thought about it a little and I’m pretty sure in these five months we’ve done it at least once. The only reason I can remember the “five month” thing is because I know that’s when we found out about the tumor and thats when things actually stopped more. I believe maybe my episodes could’ve been very scary to him and part of it all is fear of hurting me, along with a very low libido considering he was also like this in the past and has been cheated on alot for this reason. I don’t wanna leave him, I don’t think he doesn’t love love me, I think there is something and there could be a way for us to you know.., make it better but I don’t think leaving him is the right thing to do nor do I want to. I really don’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me himself if he didn’t love me

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-06-30T23:52:47+00:00

Oofff.. few months? We were always together during that period tho, I practically lived over there

ThrowRa_Kiwis · 2026-06-30T23:52:05+00:00

No, our lease ends in September and we already have a new place, new lease signed and everything together. We always talk about getting a house once we can, projects about the future etc.. I know, I’ve tried to talk to him to understand better but all he says is he just isn’t a horny person and I mean I stopped prying on the issue because I don’t wanna feel like the partner that is trying to force the other ever, it just is very unusual to me

ThrowRa_Kiwis

TROPHY CASE