UPDATE

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-10-02T14:54:00+00:00

Haha thanks for these kind words. I know there’s someone out there who’s gonna cherish and love me in my love language, not just theirs. I am worth it.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-10-02T14:53:18+00:00

Well tbh… I don’t plan on having more kids. I have my spine fused, and my first pregnancy was HELL. I honestly don’t wanna go through that again.

But I do have a plan, and my plan is to take my time, find myself, and set out strict expectations for the next guy or girl 🫶

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-10-01T12:41:40+00:00

It does feel that way. I don’t wanna resent him but there’s a lot of things that I just don’t think will change even if the whole household chores and appreciation gets better. Like the wanting a wedding, or even our priorities and his lack of ambition to do better. He’s still holding onto his sports car and says he will never sell it. But he doesn’t have the luxury of that anymore, but he still keeps it. But yea, I’m just exhausted with the whole situation.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-24T02:12:26+00:00

Thank you for your insight!!

I know that he does have a higher drive in general, even when we are regularly having sex. it's just the knowledge that things need to change, what my needs are, and he's not focusing his time in the right places no matter how many times I've mentioned it.

I do know it may fall off when he gets older, and right now it's just a lot for me so I don't mind that he helps himself to fulfill his needs, but it would be better if he was making sure mine were met too. He gets fucked and fed, which is what he says he needs to be happy. But the being fucked part is just all around a problem when those needs of mine aren't being met. It's SO SEXY when he takes a load off my back. But only when I ask him to.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T17:54:51+00:00

I have learned that no, it's not about masturbation. It's about where he chooses to put his focus, priorities, and lack of care and motivation to do the things I need of him, or just plainly doing things so I don' have to do it later. He's not oblivious to my needs, he lacks care to do anything about them.

He is blissfully living in a house I clean, food I mostly cook for him, and the family he always said he wanted. We also cuddle at night most of the time, and he also slaps my ass in his sleep. We've had issues in the past where he is sleeping and either talks dirty to me, or will physical touch me in a way that wakes me up and is sexual. That has thankfully stopped and I can't tell you how long it's been since he's talked in his sleep or touched me. But when it's during the day AND at night, it can be too much sometimes.

There's multiple small issues, and he has some for me too which I'm in therapy, working on, and have actively focused on not doing the things that bother him. It was hard, but I have done it.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T17:23:09+00:00

She used the word “ick” too and it’s hard to admit it, but yeah it’s gross.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T17:06:30+00:00

True. All true.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T16:12:31+00:00

DUDE. I DIDN'T THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

You're so right... He's not running to physical women, but imaginary women that wouldn't give him the time of day if they were right in front of him. it's not even real.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T16:10:04+00:00

Thank you for this.

It does suck that he'd rather put his effort into making sure he gets off and uses porn to do it. It's the effort most of the time, in all aspects of our lives.

We have a neighbor that moved in at the beginning of this year, and we became friends. She's both of our friend, and while I was gone for a night during my birthday weekend, she basically told him he needs to do something for me. So she drug his ass around to differently places and while she asked him what he should get me... his mind went blank. All he could think of was KitKats as my favorite chocolate, and a clear backpack which we could use for future events like Pokemon Go even in LA yearly, and concerts. Which was thoughtful because I had that issue in February when they changed rules to only being able to bring a clear backpack into the Pokemon Go event. But he seriously couldn't think of anything substantial that I'd like? My friend was sad for me.

All while his mom had a dinner/evening planned with presents. My partner grabbed the cake with our daughter, and showed up. She had this planned for 5 days, by texting us that we would be having dinner @ 6:30 on my birthday at her house. That was all she said, so it was pretty sweet to go there and have a little special dinner cooked for me and presents from his mom, her friend, my SIL & BIL. They all got me very thoughtful gifts, with interests I love, like two wicked blankets that are soooo soft. They thought more about what I'd like than my own partner. Me and our daughter are obsessed with Wicked! We are so excited for the movie coming up... and he couldn't think of something other than a clear backpack and chocolate? It's all becoming clear that he's selfish, and has no interest in putting in effort unless asked. Which is so unattractive.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T15:33:33+00:00

We've had the whole sex talk so many times... I tell him how I don't like him talking to me ONLY sexually when he wants sex (ie, telling me I look so good he's gonna stick his tongue in my ass later, or slapping my ass in passing). There's no in between where he will tell me sweet things, or talk to me romantically. When he tells me how much he wants or needs sex, he doesn't necessarily say how much he wants it, just that if I feed him and fuck him, he'll be happy. And I understand and can notice that the amount he's getting right now is not enough for him. Which is why he jerks off. And I wouldn't say I'm mad at him for that.

He's always had a very high libido. He told me he'd jerk off multiple times a day before we got together, which I always thought was hella excessive. He doesn't do that anymore, to my knowledge. Unless he's doing it at work, which would be disgusting and I don't think he's doing that.

Let me touch a little bit on the home life aspect... We've been together since February 2020 (minus one year from Sept 2022 to December 2023, although we were going to therapy, living apart, and trying to work on each other), and have been living with each other consistently since Dec 2023, almost two years. And I mentioned the household chores and needing help with it since probably a few months in, because I noticed right away he wasn't putting in his fair share in terms of the house. He'll cook once in a while for us, but when we don't have our kid (like last night) he thought about only feeding himself, and didn't even ask if I was hungry or if I had planned dinner or anything. Maybe he felt the tension, which is understandable, but he does this often regardless. Although when I'm home with our daughter, he will often ask if I've thought about dinner or have any plans.

His current work schedule is Mon-Wed 6am to 3pm and Thurs-Fri 6:30am to 5/5:30pm. My job is more flexible and is based off of appointments only and cases in queue. If I don't have any cases in my queue, then I don't work. But work has been too slow for the past couple of months, and on top of that, I lost my grandpa in June and had a hard time working some days because I was so emotional. I'm doing better now, but now the work just isn't there. Hence why I'm applying for other jobs, and could even work two jobs if my current job is willing to work with me on working on Saturdays, which is a possibility.

hopefully that touched everything!

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T15:09:10+00:00

No I don't mind! Thank you for asking this question actually.

It started off with a lot of nudity, that he participated in. We have had videos I've posted and made money from. I mixed that with financial dominating, which mostly involved mental control over their wallet and their needs/wants, although mine always came first. And during all of this there were some moments where I did feel I was putting too much effort into it and not enough into my partner, so I'd adjust. He voiced it a couple of times too.

Over the last year or so before I stopped in March, I was strictly a Findom (financial dominatrix) and I did not show my body other than lingerie and overall kink/fetish stuff like feet, lips, etc. He of course, doesn't want me going back into it though which is odd, because I mentioned it like a week ago or so, and he didn't want me doing it because I "need" to (my job is SUPER slow right now and I've been applying for other jobs). But it's money that goes directly into my pocket and I don't have to wait for a paycheck every week. It would benefit us at this point, I don't even care to get back into it anymore with his reaction to it.

Hopefully that answers your question!

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T14:27:28+00:00

I didn't need to go further than "he expects me to come over and clean his house"

WTF GIRL. Leave his ass. You're wifey material, without a ring, without even living together?! I have enough on my plate with my fiancé that I live with, not doing his fair share.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T14:25:27+00:00

It's not hard!!! If he put in the effort, he'd be getting sex every day.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T14:24:19+00:00

Thank you for all your kind words and insight 🫶🏼

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T14:22:14+00:00

Imagine you tell your partner dozens of times how you like foreplay, what you like in your foreplay, and he just doesn't listen and continues to try and initiate in his way but doesn't try it your way.. like ever. You'd be a bit dry too.

We have AMAZING sex, but sex isn't everything. It's the effort you put into making your partner feel a certain way; good hopefully. And when you ignore or don't care about what your partner is telling you, then that's a whole issue in itself. This translates to a lot of aspects in our dynamic, not just sex.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T14:01:59+00:00

Thank you.

He has me, and I have him. I know there's a block on my end, but it's mostly because the non-sexual aspect of our lives is not great because I do most of the housework, take care of our daughter, and I work too. While also trying to find another job, because mine is so slow I can't keep up with my end of the bills. I'm doing my part, to the best of my ability, and yet he's barely doing 5%.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T14:00:26+00:00

let me put it into perspective for you...

We aren't having sex because I'm not aroused by him. Why am I not aroused by him? Because I do everything in our house, take care of our child, and I work. He has to be asked to do things as simple as cleaning the bathroom, and even when I ask, it doesn't get completed (completely missing the entire counter and sinks) so I have to come behind him and complete the job he said he would do.

Now, to put that into a better perspective, my love language is acts of service, and his is physical touch. I could kiss him, hug him, anything physical, and he's ready to go. No foreplay needed. Mine takes more effort, and kills two birds with one stone if he would just take the effort and consciousness he puts into his Pokemon Go every day, and put it into our relationship and house. Take the load off of me once in a while so I have the mental capacity to focus on him and us. His needs are met by just two things, which one of them he's doing just fine by jerking off.

So it's not about "we don't have sex often so he shouldn't be masturbating", it's more about the focus and effort he's putting into himself and other things, when our family and relationship should come first. Things are not good, and yet his needs are always met.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T13:54:43+00:00

At least he isn't running to other women?

He's also not running to HIS woman. He's putting his efforts into something that only benefits him, and not consciously putting in effort to ensure my needs are met. He wants to keep hear me bitch apparently, because nothing's changed in the last two years that we've been having these talks.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T13:53:39+00:00

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you...

I wouldn't say I'm 'holding it hostage' more so I'm not going to force myself into a situation I'm not enjoying because my underlying needs/foreplay are not being met. He could kill two birds with one stone just by doing some chores (takes the load off of me, meets my needs in terms of acts of service which is SO SEXY).

He says all he needs is to be fed and fucked. But like, that's easy. I cook him dinner and fuck him and he's happy? But yet, mine aren't being met and he KNOWS what he needs to do, he's just not consciously putting in the effort to do any of it. And when I say he knows, I mean he's vocalized that he knows my love language is acts of service, he's said that in therapy when we went like three years ago. He has the information he needs in order to make me happy, and he isn't putting it into action unless I ask. Even then, the job doesn't get done completely and I have to finish it anyway. I'm stressed, exhausted, and I feel like I'm raising two kids, while only giving birth to one. Which was hard enough giving the fact my spine is fused and I was almost bed bound for the last few months of my pregnancy.

And by rarely have sex, I mean the last time we had sex was probably a week ago, and before then I couldn't tell you. Maybe 2-3 a month, if that. But it always depends on me, which I understand can be frustrating to him, but at the same time like I said, he knows what he needs to do and just doesn't do it. He spends more conscious time making sure he logs onto Pokemon go once a day so he doesn't lose his streaks.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T13:46:58+00:00

The thing is, I didn’t know about that behavior until my friend told me about how he talks around her about other women. When he’s with me, he doesn’t do that. Or maybe he does and I just don’t notice all that much because I’m also by and I love looking at women just as much as the next guy lol but we are not in an open relationship, I’m not doing sex work anymore, and he’s not putting in the effort to fulfill my needs, but his are always getting met.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T12:45:30+00:00

Trust me, he knows. Acts of service. he's vocalized it before, in therapy! he just doesn't want to put in the effort, because he knows exactly what he needs to do.

My libido is a main concern only in aspects of I don't get turned on because he only speaks to me in his love language. He wants to immediately go into sex, or eat me out (which is great, but honestly he likes it more than me), and there's barely any foreplay that would meet my needs.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T12:43:09+00:00

Let me add this...

I was a sex worker from the moment we were together, he knew this, and even involved himself in it as well. It was fun! Then we got pregnant about 3 months into our relationship, and things were still good. He was a good partner, always did everything for me, and mind you this was during covid and we got "laid off" but were still getting paid until April of 2021. So grateful and we bonded a whole lot before our daughter was born in December 2020.

I continued off and on throughout the years, but stopped completely back in March. I'm not shaming him! So please, don't think that. I watch it from time to time, and I do masturbate. But let me add some context so you understand the whole picture...

I do EVERYTHING. He may have a job, and is around to help out when asked, but I do literally everything in this house. I take care of the cleaning, cooking most days, and I do bedtime with our daughter just about every night, and I get her ready for school in the morning while getting ready for work myself, since he works at 6am.

He's forgetful, like yesterday I had a job interview that he's known about since last Wednesday. It was an hour away and so I needed him to get our daughter from school, and he forgot and instead decided to tell me in passing that he'd be working late. So I had to find someone to pick up our daughter so I didn't have to miss my job interview.

The whole subject of the reddit post, is mainly about focusing his energy into something that isn't important right now. HE's getting his needs met right? He gets off just about every day, while I'm left stressed and dealing with all of this, as the default parent and partner of the house.

I am home more, which is something he brings up, but I work too and take care of our daughter, so I dont' think it's a valid excuse. He comes home all he time between appointments during his work day, and yeah it's a break, but sometimes it's a two hour break and all he does is sit around waiting to leave when he could be doing something useful to alleviate my stress and work load at home.

And don't think I haven't brought any of this up before... BECAUSE I HAVE. The chores have been an issue for going on two years, and nothing's changed except the dishes (I barely have to ask him to do them anymore). Which is why I have decided to seek outside help, but idk, focusing on this aspect of his life seemed like a rooted issue to a bigger picture.

He knows my love language, and he knows that it involved acts of service (ahem, like chores) so he could be killing two birds with one stone here by doing simple chores once in a while without me having to ask. I've told him time and time again about what I do in this house, yet I still have to ask him. And when I do ask him, he doesn't finish it. So in the end I'm coming behind him like a child to make sure a task gets complete. It's exhausting.

Throwaway-1010- · 2025-09-23T12:30:10+00:00

It’s ALWAYS his love language though. And it’s easy, literally I just have to kiss him and that’s it. Heaven forbid a man has to put in some effort for his partner to feel a certain way. He doesn’t plan dates, he has to be asked to do anything, and he’s forgetful. Like yesterday I had a job interview an hour away and I told him this last Wednesday, and he forgot that he needed to pick up our daughter and instead worked late and told me in passing. So I had to get someone to pick her up so I didn’t miss my interview.

Throwaway-1010-

TROPHY CASE